Taste The Gasoline
This is dahlia's fault. Though it's not really blame, just an observation that she started the marble in my skull rolling.
I need to clear space. Both physical and mental.
I do meditate but it hasn't been nearly as useful or for as long as it was in days gone past. It seems I've let life take over my actions instead of taking over my life. So over the next week I'll be cleaning out some places and I think I need to pick up a small statue of a Bodhisattva to help regain the focus I've let slip.
Poison is seeping into my head, in various forms but the end result is a low pressure frustration leaking into the water. Unhappy.
When I lived in Albuquerue I had a very small space to live in, all my things fit into one very small room with a short ceiling. Living in such a compressed place both limited what I could have, and what I wanted. That and acute insomnia meant many hours spent with the music low sitting and thinking on nothing in particular, letting the monkey mind wind itself out to focus more narrowly on important aspects.
The poison has put me behind on many tasks in many places. Simple tasks that should take five minutes look like looming projects that are unpassable mountain ranges. It's a mental condition. Physical ailments are merely an excuse to slow down, but they aren't a very good one. I don't care if I have been mostly sick for two months, it's no excuse to collapse on all fronts.
I have to rekindle the spirit, regain focus, and reinvent a few ways I approach things. The current method isn't working.
must relax.