Reducing the Useless
I intensely dislike the feeling of not focusing in one moment because one is planning the next--the rush for the completion of things, the deadlines, the nextnextnextness. Yet at the same time I am painfully aware of my inability to come to do such things on my own; I sit in the library thinking a sort of ifonly I had the luxury of time I would relish the whole history of science fiction, revel in every work within it, absorb it as though tasting delicacies, but really, I would end up shuffling about my room, a little lost. So it seems the only real option, given the impossibility of even enjoyment-driven efficacy in liesure-time, and yet the inevitable utilatarianism perscribed by the timelines that push you, is to focus on complete enjoyment of that moment even as you wish to extend it--relish the tidbits of knowledge you gain in the process of a paper, and satisfy yourself that these are good; revel in what you have read instead of yearning for the completeness only expertise can bring. A life of tidbits and shards and bouncing, and one tiny fish in your mind nagging about the next moment, making sure you don't end up in the kitchen with five vats of half-made stew before opening time. Everything in moderation, sort of thing.
The weather is insane; Monday Ramya and I picnic-ed on the floor because one's thighs would peel painfully off of chairs in the heat; it's been all boxer shorts and tanktops, now it's suddenly gray and ice-streak-wind cold. Insane! Brilliant!
My father's visiting this weekend, which means, essentially, that I should not be writing this nor doing anything but vast amounts of research on Isaac Asimov and psychoanalysis, because I won't have time amid all the enjoyment. Yet--moderation--again--it is both true that the unexamined life is not worth living and that the unlived life is not worth examining. I tend to put personal questing on hold during the busiest times, because I feel that my axiomatic beliefs, well-reviewed, will hold up long enough for me to get through til a moment wherein I can give them my time.
I concern myself so much with waiting! With not-yets and need-to-nows and insertions of activities into slots. This is actually useful to me inasmuch as I use it--when I follow my perscriptions, I do well. But I do better when I begin to follow them and fail because of an impromptu tea party or a sudden diversion or at times a need to draw that I don't--and here's the catch--actually follow. What would make this all so much healthier is to retain the intention of efficiancy and the awareness of time, and yet to do away with the guilt or inflexible annoyance that keeps me from throwing myself into the tea party with heartiness or savoring the drawing. It would result, methinks, in exactly the same literal actions, but enjoyed.
This is my third-week resolution.
Also, everyone seemed to like the fudge Pelks and I made for Master's. I don't think anyone understands how unutterably happy it makes me when others enjoy something I can do for them.
The weather is insane; Monday Ramya and I picnic-ed on the floor because one's thighs would peel painfully off of chairs in the heat; it's been all boxer shorts and tanktops, now it's suddenly gray and ice-streak-wind cold. Insane! Brilliant!
My father's visiting this weekend, which means, essentially, that I should not be writing this nor doing anything but vast amounts of research on Isaac Asimov and psychoanalysis, because I won't have time amid all the enjoyment. Yet--moderation--again--it is both true that the unexamined life is not worth living and that the unlived life is not worth examining. I tend to put personal questing on hold during the busiest times, because I feel that my axiomatic beliefs, well-reviewed, will hold up long enough for me to get through til a moment wherein I can give them my time.
I concern myself so much with waiting! With not-yets and need-to-nows and insertions of activities into slots. This is actually useful to me inasmuch as I use it--when I follow my perscriptions, I do well. But I do better when I begin to follow them and fail because of an impromptu tea party or a sudden diversion or at times a need to draw that I don't--and here's the catch--actually follow. What would make this all so much healthier is to retain the intention of efficiancy and the awareness of time, and yet to do away with the guilt or inflexible annoyance that keeps me from throwing myself into the tea party with heartiness or savoring the drawing. It would result, methinks, in exactly the same literal actions, but enjoyed.
This is my third-week resolution.
Also, everyone seemed to like the fudge Pelks and I made for Master's. I don't think anyone understands how unutterably happy it makes me when others enjoy something I can do for them.