Oh there you are lj
Oh sigh... Lj I always come to you when I'm feelin lowliest. Mostly because not many people read you still and it feels a little journal like. My sister had he second child today. A beautiful little Ginger haired darling named Ariel. I love her. I was so overcome with emotion when I held her that I burst into tears. I was crying my eyes out. My mom of course was kind of poking me trying to feel out whether I was going to have a child. Then after dropping her off, my gal friend and I continued the conversation after mild political bullshitting on our way to dinner. I got a few bites into my dinner and started to feel anxious and hot and food was pretty appaling anyways but I definitly was done there.. We left shortly after. I came home and made an amazing scarf done with probably a couple hundred knots which was great for calming me down. It took about 4 1/2 hrs to complete. You know what though? Even though I am calm I still mentally feel uneasy. I'm sure it's a whammy of my period, new baby, questioning my own issues with reproducing, the asshole code enforcement shit with my car, and believe it or not... my vacation! I always get this way when it's been a few years since I have been on an airplane. I've not addressed this in my own head until this moment. I've been avoiding it for about a week now. I know it will be fine but I guess it's the anticipation.. I don't know. My guy has had a cold and I've been dodging that too like a nutjob with vitamins and echinacea because of vacation. I can't wait to just relax.. I can't wait to get away from here and even though I'm gonna miss them to death I'm even glad to get away from the responsibility of our pets for a few days. That's not to say that good things are not happening lately too. I have a beautiful niece now and have been able to spend some quality time with my nephew and other members of my family lately. I have the best boyfriend I could ever imagine.I've been getting paid modeling gigs here and there I'm training on my silks for a show in December. Lots of fun burlesque coming up and I have been SUPER productive with making costume pieces and even some practical things. Life is really good. I guess because of that the little shit that isn't a big deal stresses me the fuck out now for some reason. Ziggy visited me in a dream last night. He was his usual wily little goofy self. He made me laugh. I miss him so much, it was really wonderful to see him even if it was in a dream and for a moment. I have had to deal with so much death this year that I'm actually really glad that it's almost a new year. Even though I think resolutions are pretty silly I do have some for the new year. I want to be a more positive person. I want to be a more forgiving person. I want to be more sensitive to the fact that people are flawed. I want to remember that it doesn't matter what people think not just of me because that stopped mattering some time ago but peoples opinions on anything from politics to how they live their lives too I care too much about stupid crap. I want to really get rid of all social networking sites minus this journal and never look back. I would like to instead really be in touch with friends and family. Facebook is a fucking copout. I want to travel. I want to feel good, and last but not least I want to stop worrying about what I'm gonna do or how I'm gonna feel when more wrinkles start showing up on my face. I'm pretty sure at this point in life that I'm always going to be a little eccentric. I am who my grandmother was of my generation. I'm a Vivienne Westwood, a Betsey Johnson, and I'm also a little bit of all the golden girls, Mae West,& Marlene Dietrich all wrapped up in one lady with a twist of Rosanne Barr. I'll probably have black hair till I die, as well as wear makeup and have a wardrobe that will
make the kids laugh at me and tell me to grow up which will make me cackle or wanna be my friend. Either one I'm ok with. Except maybe when they are on my lawn or put shit in my mailbox. Then it's game on you little shits!!! ;) if you got this far, again. Bless ya for reading all this.
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