WHY
thoughts of the future bing an ill feeling to my flesh. this body is too damed weak to sustain this effort, and i wince to think failure. i love you but i feel all those i love are infected with my failure. i have been happy these past few months, but the count has begun and i feel lost, i feel like I'm losing myself and i feel as though im losing everyone else in my wake.. the future is upon me and it feels like i am unprepared , unable to choose and incapable to succeed , i was called the most depressing person in the world to day.. i took this as an insult as it was that person whom started telling me that with my life and work ill die by the age of thirty , she looks at death as an end to all the great things shes been given, but alas the few things I've been given seem to fall apart as i touch them, she feels sad that i accept death as a release form the strains of life and she thinks it hash of me to look longingly and laughingly at said release, with out considering the people i love , and the people who love me. i laugh because it is she who has been telling me that i need to be greedy for a change, she says that i am always pleasing other people and i find my joy in those i please,, be greedy she says, and i told her it would be a bad thing if i were to act greedy.. greedy.. its such a hard definition .. i feel i am the most greedy person in the world and the absolute to my greed is that end. i wait for that sweet nothingness where i have no pain, no worries, no debts no flaws, no need for amens. that is what being greedy is to me .. thinking so much of thine self as to take thy own life... "be greedy" is as much asking me to take my life as it is asking me to cast away those things i live for. so i sit and watch you people set up your camps and i watch as you try to tear me in every direction.
. . be greedy! means destroying everything and everyone as chaos dictates .. not from fear , not form discontent, but from pity, i pity that you can never know what the wounds i have suffered nor what world holds , you run form the simplest things i endure, you panic from the slightest flaws, your sheltered, your happy , and your a child, and that luxury was lost on me before i could have a single happy memory. depressing .. i look to all these things on tv that tell me im depressed, but the truth is like most people, i suffer from lack of happiness, i suffer from the idea that what i greedily want is unattainable, i am not depressed, i sse the commercials on tv that say , you need medication, i hear people saying that this generation of mine is simply self-medicating with drugs and booze because we are all depressed, i fear its the lack of balance to this life, the kind work and strive while the unkind reach and obtain more than ever imagined. this weighs heavy on my brow.
. . be greedy! means destroying everything and everyone as chaos dictates .. not from fear , not form discontent, but from pity, i pity that you can never know what the wounds i have suffered nor what world holds , you run form the simplest things i endure, you panic from the slightest flaws, your sheltered, your happy , and your a child, and that luxury was lost on me before i could have a single happy memory. depressing .. i look to all these things on tv that tell me im depressed, but the truth is like most people, i suffer from lack of happiness, i suffer from the idea that what i greedily want is unattainable, i am not depressed, i sse the commercials on tv that say , you need medication, i hear people saying that this generation of mine is simply self-medicating with drugs and booze because we are all depressed, i fear its the lack of balance to this life, the kind work and strive while the unkind reach and obtain more than ever imagined. this weighs heavy on my brow.