BASH WARS VI FINALS!
The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is the final round of the 6th annual Bash Wars Open Invitational Tournament o' Death! It is to determine the Two Thousand Eleven Bash Wars Superking, and it will be a THREE...WAY...DANCE!
Click to viewIntroducing first! Fighting on behalf of wiisp, from ancient Amphipolis, Greece! The Destroyer of Nations...the Warrior Princess...XENA!
For five years, no woman has yet held the coveted Superking crown. Beatrix Kiddo came agonizingly close, and to be quite honest if she had been facing anyone other than Count von Count I think she'd have taken the prize. The question today is, can Xena reach the promised land? I certaintly think it's probable. To get this far she bested Obelix the Gaul 36-17, Chewbacca 31-28, King Leonidas 46-19, and Princess Leia 36-27. Each of those opponents was favored to defeat her, and yet only Chewbacca got within nine points of victory.
Next, fighting for beraht! Representing the Scoobies, and residing near the Hellmouth of Sunnydale, California! The Chosen One! Buffyyyyyy theeee Vampire Slayerrrr!!
There is no denying the mental toughness and tenacity of the head cheerleader from Sunnydale High. To reach the finals she bested Medusa 42-15, Randy Savage 39-18, the Road Runner 42-17, and Merlin 47-17--she has yet to win by less than 20 votes. But I think against Xena she is definitely the underdog. Similar fighting styles, similar fan bases. But this is not a popularity contest--it's not about which fandom you pledge your allegiance to, it's about which of these ladies can whup the other, and Xena has the clear advantage in power, weaponry, and stamina. It'd be a dream match to see these two one-on-one, but the fates are against it, because this is the biggest Bash Wars ever, and we've got one more cog in this war machine.
And the final competitor, sponsored by zoline! Born in a cave in ancient Norway, now maintaining dual residence in Manhattan, New York and the kingdom of Asgard! The Odinson! The Thunderer! Jormungand's Fear! The Mightyyyyy THOR!
I believe that this is Thor's year. And by that I don't mean to say he'll definitely win this match--you can't count out Buffy or Xena--but this is as perfect a storm as he'll ever have. His movie just came out, and he'll be appearing in that blockbuster Avengers movie this coming summer. Victories over Comander Badass 54-5, Popeye 43-16, Superman 36-25, and finally knocking out overall #1 seed Bruce Lee 41-22. He's a handsome fella riding a wave of goodwill from his many admirers, and he's no slouch in a fight. But as I said, this is no popularity contest, and Thor's gotta do it one more time, against two of the asskickingest women Midgard has to offer. Yes, he already beat Superman, but that's why we have the tournament, to find out who the best of the best are, and then make 'em fight.
This is going to come down to a battle of melee weapons--the chakram, the wooden stake, and the Uru mallet. In the hands of their respective warriors, each tool can spell instant death, but against each other no one can say. If they stand and slug it out, I have to give it to the thunder god, but I think we know it won't go down like that. Xena is going to be jumping all over the place like a deadly pinball, and that spells trouble for Buffy, who is good with the sudden ninja-type flippy moves but can't hold a candle to her antecedent in the world of cheesy 1990s fantasy shows. Buffy might be able to run rings around Thor, but against Xena she needs to keep it toe-to-toe and work strong style. That won't be easy, especially with an immortal berzerker running around.
If everything feels chaotic and unpredictable, that's because it is. The triple-threat nature of this matchup makes it ten times more difficult to analyze, and all three participants will be far less prepared. Research into all three characters' experience with three-ways turned up some extremely provocative fan fiction, but no practical information relevant to, er, this particular scenario. I suspect circumstances will favor Xena the most--as the most morally ambiguous of the three, she's been in battle situations with shifting loyalties and multiple enemies. When it's "every man for himself," you're on no one's side but your own, and that's familiar territory for the warrior princess. Not so much for Thor or Buffy--however I think Thor can most easily focus by simply holding his ground and letting his opponents come at him, treating them as a single, disorganized unit.
There's only one way to settle this, and that's to let you decide! Only one will survive--there will be no teaming up and fighting Skeletor and Hordak at the end! Who will win? Who will lose? Who will play Ross Perot and cost somebody else the victory? We're about to find out!
Poll Bash Wars Finals! Xena vs. Buffy vs. Thor for all the marbles!
Remember, you can only vote if you're a member of gore_sports, and if you're not you can join right now! (This is the most important poll in the history of the internet, so bear with us while we screen for ballot-box stuffers and sockpuppets.) Voting will continue until 11:59 pm (Chicago time) on December 31--as soon as my computer says it's 2012, it's the end of the world for two of these competitors!
That's it for now! Check back soon for more action, including our high-stakes Bash Wars main event!