(no subject)
im at a crossroads in my life. i feel so lost, and i have no idea what direction i should go. i feel so dull and numb and i have no motivation to do anything. i want to do a lot of things, but i just dont muster up the energy to do it. its 215 am on a saturday night, i should be out having fun like i do in new paltz, instead im procrastinating trying to do my midterm paper for my african politics class. i wont sign up for work because i dont want to work, and i dont really do much as an alternative. damn.
i just feel so incredibly limited by plainview. the other day i was in the city seeing the new york philharmonic, and it felt like such a release and i liked the anonymity of the city. i like that too in new paltz. i think the biggest problem with me, is that i can project myself well superficially, and then when i get to know people, i get so self conscious that i somehow dont meet their expectations, and then thats where i faulter and begin to sever my friendships. im thinking of like, andrew and some other people from school right now. i feel like ive destroyed and made so awkward my relationship with him i dont know how i can honestly go back and see him in the fall without even having made a gesture to hang out with him all summer. i just feel like im so past the point with a lot of people at school and thats both bad and good. its bad, for obvious reasons. i lost a bunch of friends i feel like, maybe i didnt and maybe ill be able to get closer with them, but thats how it is right now. its good because i get the chance to open up to people i knew in the past but didnt get to know as well because of a lack of interest. theres also the incoming freshman, which is kind of cool because i hung out with a lot of upperclassmen this past year and i found it to be just as 'normal' as hanging out with other freshmen. so its like introducting an entire new set of people to become friends with? my beard is itchy.
i just feel so incredibly limited by plainview. the other day i was in the city seeing the new york philharmonic, and it felt like such a release and i liked the anonymity of the city. i like that too in new paltz. i think the biggest problem with me, is that i can project myself well superficially, and then when i get to know people, i get so self conscious that i somehow dont meet their expectations, and then thats where i faulter and begin to sever my friendships. im thinking of like, andrew and some other people from school right now. i feel like ive destroyed and made so awkward my relationship with him i dont know how i can honestly go back and see him in the fall without even having made a gesture to hang out with him all summer. i just feel like im so past the point with a lot of people at school and thats both bad and good. its bad, for obvious reasons. i lost a bunch of friends i feel like, maybe i didnt and maybe ill be able to get closer with them, but thats how it is right now. its good because i get the chance to open up to people i knew in the past but didnt get to know as well because of a lack of interest. theres also the incoming freshman, which is kind of cool because i hung out with a lot of upperclassmen this past year and i found it to be just as 'normal' as hanging out with other freshmen. so its like introducting an entire new set of people to become friends with? my beard is itchy.