Simple Rules of Petiquette
For years people have been stopping me in the street begging for advice on how to be a better pet owner. In an effort to forestall this incessant whining, I've distilled countless pieces of advice into some fundamental principles:
1) Toilet train your pets from birth. A well trained animal should be able to sit patiently at the door waiting to be let out right until the moment it explodes. Once they're trained to only urinate on command, have your pet demonstrate friendliness by hopping onto the laps of door-knocking Mormons. Command.
2) Good relationships with the local community are important. If it's worth taking the time to teach your pet to fetch the newspaper, it's worth taking the time to teach them to do so only when the neighbours aren't home.
3) While your pets can be a valuable source of income through sporting engagements, you shouldn't overtax them. If you're going to enter any pet into the local cock-fighting circuit make sure its a Rottweiler.
4) Be sensitive to cultural mores when travelling, since different societies have different ideas about what animals make good pets and how you should treat them. Never let a puppy out of your sight in South Korea, and keep your humpback on a leash at all times when in Norway. Also, its often considered poor form to have a woman's collar on while touring America's Eastern seaboard.
5) If your pet savages a friend, you will have to put it down. Make sure you act quickly though - if your friend manages to alert the authorities the pet will almost certainly be destroyed. While it can sometimes be difficult to put down a friend, it helps to remember that there are 6 billion people who can take their place but only one Fluffles.
1) Toilet train your pets from birth. A well trained animal should be able to sit patiently at the door waiting to be let out right until the moment it explodes. Once they're trained to only urinate on command, have your pet demonstrate friendliness by hopping onto the laps of door-knocking Mormons. Command.
2) Good relationships with the local community are important. If it's worth taking the time to teach your pet to fetch the newspaper, it's worth taking the time to teach them to do so only when the neighbours aren't home.
3) While your pets can be a valuable source of income through sporting engagements, you shouldn't overtax them. If you're going to enter any pet into the local cock-fighting circuit make sure its a Rottweiler.
4) Be sensitive to cultural mores when travelling, since different societies have different ideas about what animals make good pets and how you should treat them. Never let a puppy out of your sight in South Korea, and keep your humpback on a leash at all times when in Norway. Also, its often considered poor form to have a woman's collar on while touring America's Eastern seaboard.
5) If your pet savages a friend, you will have to put it down. Make sure you act quickly though - if your friend manages to alert the authorities the pet will almost certainly be destroyed. While it can sometimes be difficult to put down a friend, it helps to remember that there are 6 billion people who can take their place but only one Fluffles.