Forever is just a beginning to an end.
You ever know the moment when you realized that nothing would be the same. That from that moment forward your world has changed and there was nothing you could do about it. I have reached that point. I can't take anything I have done in this year back. I can not change history I can only change the future. Its all about the tomorrow. I wanna believe it will be okay. I wanna know that tomorrow everything will change. That I will wake up and everything will be okay. I feel like all I am doing is leading my life into nowhere. I feel like I have been reliving the same day over and over again. My life feels meaningless and Im trying to find meaning to keep going. If I could say all the things I wanted to say things might just be different if I could feel how I want to feel maybe things would change.
All of this may just seem like a bunch of nonsense that is coming out, but to me it means something. I'm tired. I really am. Of everything. I miss my daughter and want her back. I miss her smile, her wIarmth. Why did it come to this for me to realize all the things that I have done wrong in these past 7 months? Why was my eyes shielded. And now I do see. I never put my daughter first. I was always too worried about some man in my life to care. And that is sad and pathetic. If I would have tried harder or stop caring what others thought and wanting to be young, I would still have her. But I didnt realize until later and that hurts.
On another level, I wish that one day would go by that Tony and I didnt fight. I never new things would be this hard. I love him, I know I do. I just want to stop and I know that most of it is my fault. I know that. And he is right I do have an attitude problem. I just hate being controlled and told no. I hate being told no. I want to be me and I just feel like everyone keeps changing me. I dont even feel like I know who I am. I really dont think I do. Everytime I think I know who I am, I am forced to change to be someone who I am not. I just want things to work. I sometimes feel like I am never going to change who I am. That I am always going to cheat and lie and hurt someone. I know that I hurt people, and I know that I am good at it. I just dont know how to change that. I do know how to push people's button's and sometimes I love doing it to see them hurt. Maybe it's because I want someone to hurt just as bad as I do. I know when he pushed me around the other night it was my fault. I was hitting him before. And I guess I would have understood if he would have pushed me around then. But he didn't. He waited until I pushed his buttons and hurt him where it hurt the most, and then pushed me. Trust me the bruises on my arm make me remember to watch myself around him. I do know in the few moments that it happened I will forever be scared to say something smart around him. Sometimes I just wish he would hit me, to make myself feel better. I should have never kissed Shawn, and I should have never went to Andrews. He keeps asking me why, and truthfully deep down I cant answer that because I really dont know. I have no clue why I went to Andrews. It was not because I was lonely. Because I wasn't. I knew Tony would be back. But I did and I dont know why. I just know that night changed me.
He wanted me to explain every detail of it. And it hurts to have to tell my boyfriend of how my ex raped me in my sleep. How do you do that. I have no clue why I went over there because I know deep down he would try to have sex with me. And maybe I did it becaue Tony and I did just get into a big fight and I was unsure. I dont have a reason, I just have a consequence. Well, we were there watching house in his bed and I grabbed my favorite pillow and cuddled up with it, and we talked for awhile, well he kept talking about how he wanted me back and I was just like...yeah okay. My BOYFRIEND is getting out of jail and we are still together and I crawled up to him and got up in his face and told him if you would have not waited so long you could of had this and I would not be with someone else. Then he got mad because I told him I was going to stay faithful which just pissed him off even more because I cheated on him plenty of times. I mean should I feel bad of course. But I really dont he deserved it. If your going to treat me like shit and desert me of course its going to happen. Well he pushed himself on me and kissed me and I admit I did kiss him for a minute but that was it. I asked him to get me something to drink and he did and I fell asleep. Well, he woke me up in the middle of the night trying to have sex with me and I told him no that I was sleeping and I was not in the mood. Well he left me alone. Well around 5 something in the morning I woke up to my pants being off and he was having sex with me. I told him to get off me, I pushed him off but it did nothing he grabbed me by my arms and held me down and just kept repeating how he loved me, and the he wanted to get back together. I just remember me crying and telling him no to just laying there taking it as every drop of sweat continued to drip on my body and hearing him repeat about how good I felt and that he loved me. I just stared at the ceiling and cried until he finished. Then he got off me and went to sleep, I got dressed snuck out and came home. The next day I got my boyfriend out of jail and didnt tell anyone. Until I had to. I filed a restraining order and all but I dont think its going to help. Why does it seem like everytime a man is raping a girl or rather me they always tell me how much they love me. I mean how is you telling me you love me making things better? I have began to hate sex. I really have. I use to always want it. And now I really stop asking for it so much because I feel disgusted. I hate that people have made me hate myself in a sexual way. I cant sleep anymore, I will wake up just remembering everything that has happened. I am getting more and more violent in my sleep because of it. I literally try and hit things. I dont know what to do. I just want to go back to normal. I want to feel again. I want to move past and stop hurting.
Now I have a feeling it wont be that much longer until April and Ryan kick us out because of Rent. I mean you can totally tell that she is now all buddy buddy with Rhianna just the way she was with me..Im just tired of drama and living here is just drama. I need to get my life in order and calm myself down. I feel like climbing under a rock and staying there for awhile. I mean I feel so down lately its sad. I just want to sleep and go to work. I have felt so disgusted with myself lately I really have wanted to cut myself. But I have started to realze that its not solving anything. So hey at least I progressed in one thing. I just really wish my boyfriend would understand that I dont know why I do the things I do..I really dont have an explaination. But I always feel like he is trying to change everything about me and that hurts more than anything. I just really dont know how to be in a relationship or a girlfriend. Im so use to being used that I dont know what a relationship is like. I just hope one day things get better and I will wake up from this nightmare. Hell there is always hope for tomorrow.
All of this may just seem like a bunch of nonsense that is coming out, but to me it means something. I'm tired. I really am. Of everything. I miss my daughter and want her back. I miss her smile, her wIarmth. Why did it come to this for me to realize all the things that I have done wrong in these past 7 months? Why was my eyes shielded. And now I do see. I never put my daughter first. I was always too worried about some man in my life to care. And that is sad and pathetic. If I would have tried harder or stop caring what others thought and wanting to be young, I would still have her. But I didnt realize until later and that hurts.
On another level, I wish that one day would go by that Tony and I didnt fight. I never new things would be this hard. I love him, I know I do. I just want to stop and I know that most of it is my fault. I know that. And he is right I do have an attitude problem. I just hate being controlled and told no. I hate being told no. I want to be me and I just feel like everyone keeps changing me. I dont even feel like I know who I am. I really dont think I do. Everytime I think I know who I am, I am forced to change to be someone who I am not. I just want things to work. I sometimes feel like I am never going to change who I am. That I am always going to cheat and lie and hurt someone. I know that I hurt people, and I know that I am good at it. I just dont know how to change that. I do know how to push people's button's and sometimes I love doing it to see them hurt. Maybe it's because I want someone to hurt just as bad as I do. I know when he pushed me around the other night it was my fault. I was hitting him before. And I guess I would have understood if he would have pushed me around then. But he didn't. He waited until I pushed his buttons and hurt him where it hurt the most, and then pushed me. Trust me the bruises on my arm make me remember to watch myself around him. I do know in the few moments that it happened I will forever be scared to say something smart around him. Sometimes I just wish he would hit me, to make myself feel better. I should have never kissed Shawn, and I should have never went to Andrews. He keeps asking me why, and truthfully deep down I cant answer that because I really dont know. I have no clue why I went to Andrews. It was not because I was lonely. Because I wasn't. I knew Tony would be back. But I did and I dont know why. I just know that night changed me.
He wanted me to explain every detail of it. And it hurts to have to tell my boyfriend of how my ex raped me in my sleep. How do you do that. I have no clue why I went over there because I know deep down he would try to have sex with me. And maybe I did it becaue Tony and I did just get into a big fight and I was unsure. I dont have a reason, I just have a consequence. Well, we were there watching house in his bed and I grabbed my favorite pillow and cuddled up with it, and we talked for awhile, well he kept talking about how he wanted me back and I was just like...yeah okay. My BOYFRIEND is getting out of jail and we are still together and I crawled up to him and got up in his face and told him if you would have not waited so long you could of had this and I would not be with someone else. Then he got mad because I told him I was going to stay faithful which just pissed him off even more because I cheated on him plenty of times. I mean should I feel bad of course. But I really dont he deserved it. If your going to treat me like shit and desert me of course its going to happen. Well he pushed himself on me and kissed me and I admit I did kiss him for a minute but that was it. I asked him to get me something to drink and he did and I fell asleep. Well, he woke me up in the middle of the night trying to have sex with me and I told him no that I was sleeping and I was not in the mood. Well he left me alone. Well around 5 something in the morning I woke up to my pants being off and he was having sex with me. I told him to get off me, I pushed him off but it did nothing he grabbed me by my arms and held me down and just kept repeating how he loved me, and the he wanted to get back together. I just remember me crying and telling him no to just laying there taking it as every drop of sweat continued to drip on my body and hearing him repeat about how good I felt and that he loved me. I just stared at the ceiling and cried until he finished. Then he got off me and went to sleep, I got dressed snuck out and came home. The next day I got my boyfriend out of jail and didnt tell anyone. Until I had to. I filed a restraining order and all but I dont think its going to help. Why does it seem like everytime a man is raping a girl or rather me they always tell me how much they love me. I mean how is you telling me you love me making things better? I have began to hate sex. I really have. I use to always want it. And now I really stop asking for it so much because I feel disgusted. I hate that people have made me hate myself in a sexual way. I cant sleep anymore, I will wake up just remembering everything that has happened. I am getting more and more violent in my sleep because of it. I literally try and hit things. I dont know what to do. I just want to go back to normal. I want to feel again. I want to move past and stop hurting.
Now I have a feeling it wont be that much longer until April and Ryan kick us out because of Rent. I mean you can totally tell that she is now all buddy buddy with Rhianna just the way she was with me..Im just tired of drama and living here is just drama. I need to get my life in order and calm myself down. I feel like climbing under a rock and staying there for awhile. I mean I feel so down lately its sad. I just want to sleep and go to work. I have felt so disgusted with myself lately I really have wanted to cut myself. But I have started to realze that its not solving anything. So hey at least I progressed in one thing. I just really wish my boyfriend would understand that I dont know why I do the things I do..I really dont have an explaination. But I always feel like he is trying to change everything about me and that hurts more than anything. I just really dont know how to be in a relationship or a girlfriend. Im so use to being used that I dont know what a relationship is like. I just hope one day things get better and I will wake up from this nightmare. Hell there is always hope for tomorrow.