You ever lose that one thing in your life that feels like, well your life?
I see she changed her journal a bit...Ironic she doesn't have time to write, but she changes her journal. Why did it change? So the only person who knows the address there can look at a new appearance? Just odd, who knows.
I read back, just skimmed a few lines of her old journals, God why cant I just make myself happy. I found a girl Im like I dont even know really, Im so scared to say it, dont know it, not sure this time around, dont truly know what name to give the feelings, they are hard on me though. Eating right is hard too.Aside from getting home from work tired, my parents eat around 6-7 and Im not really hungry by that time most of the time and I have developed a way to stop the stupid dinner time arguments we always seem to have, by not going that is. I just dont eat when I should after work, didn't eat dinner tonight, didn't care to. My stomach was upset all day, at work, now here at home once it finally seemed it was ok for a couple hours(sleep) and I hate it, im jittery, really nervous feeling. It's like when I have a hangover after alot of drinking from the night before. That next day I feel all weak, wierd, stomach is upset and I am queasy. I dont know what it means or really why it is I feel this way. I think I know some of the reason, but I didn't think I'd feel this way after today or for this amount of time, what's wrong with me?
I dont know what the deal is with me and Brooke. Im sick of telling people who dont know what the deal is. I still have a few people to tell, some wont know till a bit later, but I dont feel too awesome talking about one of the best things in month's to come walking my way, just walking away.
i read some of her journal though, older stuff obviously and God those are great, at first she was so worried if she should waste time on me because I was always thinking or talking about Amanda. I knew I talked about her, but I didn't try to bring it up because I couldn't let her go, she was a good way to relate to things though, sorority, just what I was used to, alot of stuff so it made things easier for me to say I guess. Then she said (quote) "and I have a boyfriend that I adore (Chris) " as well as a few others I might list here that make me so happy to read, yet kinda depressed. I cherish memories so much, they are great to have, that text, just black and white text and background mean so much to me because I can see it, remember it and remember the good times that we had.
She even said " Well the ex boyfriend I wrote about last is now completely out of my life.....maybe this time...." and I just look back and think damn, if that would have really happened the way it was planned, the way she wanted it at first, then I believe that Brooke and I would be in love with eachother, we'd be incredibly happy and doing just fine. I am bitter it happened of course, that wont change. Im mad it happened, but can only change things for the better or so that's the best way to look at it.Whether she lets me or not is up to her, I really only see big time hurt on me in this predicament here. I wish alot of things, it's stupid, but damn I still do it. I wish he'd have been my friend from the start instead of lying to me the whole time, lying to her as well. He played coy, wanted to act like things were ok meanwhile he was calling me just to find me, see who I was with, calling her and asking the same, messaging me when he never did before, all just new things that never happened until I started hanging out with Brooke.
He was playing it off all along. I cant believe I was his friend at one time. I always seem to find two faced people who are out to get me and then I land myself in the bad part of this whole deal because what else can I do? I can be the victim and get what I want(her, well maybe who knows what would have happened if I was not jealous because I cared for her or had I not argued with her about him and all the others) or I could have done what I did which was stand up for myself and her, try to defend us both, try to make the unseen, visible to all the people who should know and then get screwed. Well I screwed myself, but I didn't want to be the victim any more, I was abused far too much because of everyone elses skeltons in their closets.
Man I wish she would write...She doesn't call my cellphone anymore at all, she never messages me on aim aside from hardly being on at all, maybe a few hours in the last whole week or longer, she doesn't text me at all. I feel so left out and alone, I dont know what to do but care for her and I keep thinking that maybe Im being overly needy or something. I think I get shit on by every girl, I'll never be able to love a girl and give her the things she says she wants because she is a liar just like every other girl.
They all say they want love and to be appreciated, treated great and they want that great long lasting relationship, but you start giving and they start changing or leaving. I see it alot in other relationships, I have seen it before, it seems like it's happening now to me. Like me calling anymore is just ignored because she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, like she is slowly moving out of my life foor good and some other guy is going to replace me soon enough.Im gonna be really sad if that happens, it's gonna tear me to nothing.
I write her, she tells me she didn't get it(text) and if I write her on Myspace...she reads it, doesn't reply, is online numerous times since the last time I wrote and she read it, still no reply to me. I just feel like she is really mad at me or that I want so much more than friends. I mean I do, but I want that for another day. I wanna fall in love with her, she is amazing and well I know I cant have that anytime soon, I know that , I know it damnit! I just need friendship. I feel like there is nothing worthwhile anymore. I was so much happier before. Going to work, Round Up, coming home I had more of a smile, my mom could ask and I'd not be hiding anything or getting into an argument with her because of pent up frustration because she keeps asking me what is up with Brooke, how is she, are you guys ok?
Im sick of lying to her, but I cant tell her, not right now. I dont know, I dont want to hear anyones oppinions because they will hurt me too much. I dont need anyone telling me anything right now, I just want to leave that alone. I cant believe there was a girl i my life that once called me to ask how things were as she lay in bed sounding so beautiful and cute, she once wrote me, wrote a journal, text messaged me when I had an away message up just to see what I was doing so I could talk to her. Maybe I found the wrong girl, maybe she is too busy for a loser like me, her being in school and a sorority.
The next relationship I have, fuck a sorority girl in school, this is the 2nd time it's happened and I wanted it again for some fuckin stupid reason, I wanted to hear that she was too busy, she has a meeting to go to, she cant come visit this weekend there is too much going on, she is just really busy and I think that's great for her of course, I am glad she is a good person, doing well and she impresses me very much so, but I seem to be at the end of the rope again and I am hearing the same things I have heard before about being busy and I dont know that I want to ever hear that word again as much as I have in 2005. From Janurary till now, it's been alot. I need a girl who lives a few miles away, who works, not in hectic classes and stuff. I want Brooke in everything she lives in now, while she is too damn busy in school, taken by alot of work and study time, 130 miles from me, a sorority... I dont care, but I know I also want love.
I want to feel appreciated, wanted, like she was thinking about me at some point in time. I dont know her anymore, she never talks to me, it's so scary, Im really worried about all of this. I dont know, 7 days from now I suppose I'll have the chance to see her. It's going to be a lonely night with no family and if I dont see her Im going to be sitting here doing nothing or trying to make the best of it with my friends.
Brooke, no more thinking, no more compiling your thoughts just to tell me or write something. I am really over waiting for a real answer. If you care about me at all, just talk to me, tell me something, let me know how your day went, ask me what's wrong with my day, ask why this is that and that is what it is. I just need to know you feel something more than what it seems. God you hide things away and it doesn't help anyone, not even you. People who hide things away dont fix things, usually everything gets worse. Just open up, you have every piece of me from friend, to lover, my heart, my soul. I cant move past you, you mean too damn much to me and it's really really hurting me down inside to not know that feeling of being wanted anymore.
I miss you so much Brooke, please act on the words you told me. You wanted friendship, but you dont even speak to me anymore, you seem so cold and before you'd talk for hours, now you always want to sleep and everything else is so important.I will always put you in first place,always.
Chris
I read back, just skimmed a few lines of her old journals, God why cant I just make myself happy. I found a girl Im like I dont even know really, Im so scared to say it, dont know it, not sure this time around, dont truly know what name to give the feelings, they are hard on me though. Eating right is hard too.Aside from getting home from work tired, my parents eat around 6-7 and Im not really hungry by that time most of the time and I have developed a way to stop the stupid dinner time arguments we always seem to have, by not going that is. I just dont eat when I should after work, didn't eat dinner tonight, didn't care to. My stomach was upset all day, at work, now here at home once it finally seemed it was ok for a couple hours(sleep) and I hate it, im jittery, really nervous feeling. It's like when I have a hangover after alot of drinking from the night before. That next day I feel all weak, wierd, stomach is upset and I am queasy. I dont know what it means or really why it is I feel this way. I think I know some of the reason, but I didn't think I'd feel this way after today or for this amount of time, what's wrong with me?
I dont know what the deal is with me and Brooke. Im sick of telling people who dont know what the deal is. I still have a few people to tell, some wont know till a bit later, but I dont feel too awesome talking about one of the best things in month's to come walking my way, just walking away.
i read some of her journal though, older stuff obviously and God those are great, at first she was so worried if she should waste time on me because I was always thinking or talking about Amanda. I knew I talked about her, but I didn't try to bring it up because I couldn't let her go, she was a good way to relate to things though, sorority, just what I was used to, alot of stuff so it made things easier for me to say I guess. Then she said (quote) "and I have a boyfriend that I adore (Chris) " as well as a few others I might list here that make me so happy to read, yet kinda depressed. I cherish memories so much, they are great to have, that text, just black and white text and background mean so much to me because I can see it, remember it and remember the good times that we had.
She even said " Well the ex boyfriend I wrote about last is now completely out of my life.....maybe this time...." and I just look back and think damn, if that would have really happened the way it was planned, the way she wanted it at first, then I believe that Brooke and I would be in love with eachother, we'd be incredibly happy and doing just fine. I am bitter it happened of course, that wont change. Im mad it happened, but can only change things for the better or so that's the best way to look at it.Whether she lets me or not is up to her, I really only see big time hurt on me in this predicament here. I wish alot of things, it's stupid, but damn I still do it. I wish he'd have been my friend from the start instead of lying to me the whole time, lying to her as well. He played coy, wanted to act like things were ok meanwhile he was calling me just to find me, see who I was with, calling her and asking the same, messaging me when he never did before, all just new things that never happened until I started hanging out with Brooke.
He was playing it off all along. I cant believe I was his friend at one time. I always seem to find two faced people who are out to get me and then I land myself in the bad part of this whole deal because what else can I do? I can be the victim and get what I want(her, well maybe who knows what would have happened if I was not jealous because I cared for her or had I not argued with her about him and all the others) or I could have done what I did which was stand up for myself and her, try to defend us both, try to make the unseen, visible to all the people who should know and then get screwed. Well I screwed myself, but I didn't want to be the victim any more, I was abused far too much because of everyone elses skeltons in their closets.
Man I wish she would write...She doesn't call my cellphone anymore at all, she never messages me on aim aside from hardly being on at all, maybe a few hours in the last whole week or longer, she doesn't text me at all. I feel so left out and alone, I dont know what to do but care for her and I keep thinking that maybe Im being overly needy or something. I think I get shit on by every girl, I'll never be able to love a girl and give her the things she says she wants because she is a liar just like every other girl.
They all say they want love and to be appreciated, treated great and they want that great long lasting relationship, but you start giving and they start changing or leaving. I see it alot in other relationships, I have seen it before, it seems like it's happening now to me. Like me calling anymore is just ignored because she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, like she is slowly moving out of my life foor good and some other guy is going to replace me soon enough.Im gonna be really sad if that happens, it's gonna tear me to nothing.
I write her, she tells me she didn't get it(text) and if I write her on Myspace...she reads it, doesn't reply, is online numerous times since the last time I wrote and she read it, still no reply to me. I just feel like she is really mad at me or that I want so much more than friends. I mean I do, but I want that for another day. I wanna fall in love with her, she is amazing and well I know I cant have that anytime soon, I know that , I know it damnit! I just need friendship. I feel like there is nothing worthwhile anymore. I was so much happier before. Going to work, Round Up, coming home I had more of a smile, my mom could ask and I'd not be hiding anything or getting into an argument with her because of pent up frustration because she keeps asking me what is up with Brooke, how is she, are you guys ok?
Im sick of lying to her, but I cant tell her, not right now. I dont know, I dont want to hear anyones oppinions because they will hurt me too much. I dont need anyone telling me anything right now, I just want to leave that alone. I cant believe there was a girl i my life that once called me to ask how things were as she lay in bed sounding so beautiful and cute, she once wrote me, wrote a journal, text messaged me when I had an away message up just to see what I was doing so I could talk to her. Maybe I found the wrong girl, maybe she is too busy for a loser like me, her being in school and a sorority.
The next relationship I have, fuck a sorority girl in school, this is the 2nd time it's happened and I wanted it again for some fuckin stupid reason, I wanted to hear that she was too busy, she has a meeting to go to, she cant come visit this weekend there is too much going on, she is just really busy and I think that's great for her of course, I am glad she is a good person, doing well and she impresses me very much so, but I seem to be at the end of the rope again and I am hearing the same things I have heard before about being busy and I dont know that I want to ever hear that word again as much as I have in 2005. From Janurary till now, it's been alot. I need a girl who lives a few miles away, who works, not in hectic classes and stuff. I want Brooke in everything she lives in now, while she is too damn busy in school, taken by alot of work and study time, 130 miles from me, a sorority... I dont care, but I know I also want love.
I want to feel appreciated, wanted, like she was thinking about me at some point in time. I dont know her anymore, she never talks to me, it's so scary, Im really worried about all of this. I dont know, 7 days from now I suppose I'll have the chance to see her. It's going to be a lonely night with no family and if I dont see her Im going to be sitting here doing nothing or trying to make the best of it with my friends.
Brooke, no more thinking, no more compiling your thoughts just to tell me or write something. I am really over waiting for a real answer. If you care about me at all, just talk to me, tell me something, let me know how your day went, ask me what's wrong with my day, ask why this is that and that is what it is. I just need to know you feel something more than what it seems. God you hide things away and it doesn't help anyone, not even you. People who hide things away dont fix things, usually everything gets worse. Just open up, you have every piece of me from friend, to lover, my heart, my soul. I cant move past you, you mean too damn much to me and it's really really hurting me down inside to not know that feeling of being wanted anymore.
I miss you so much Brooke, please act on the words you told me. You wanted friendship, but you dont even speak to me anymore, you seem so cold and before you'd talk for hours, now you always want to sleep and everything else is so important.I will always put you in first place,always.
Chris