thoughts all over
Today at work was slow, pretty fast moving day as far as from 8:30 to 5 pm, but slow as in work which was ok by me. I didn't fight with Deirdra all day, a great thing and I understand why so it could have happened, but there are reasons outside of my control, that made it possible for us to do well all day thank God, sometimes it's hard to be around someone all the time and still get along and that sucks. I sent out a ton of birthday invites for Round Up, my 22nd birthday, Jimmy's 23rd birthday on the 10th of December. I am sure drama will ensue there, but whatever, fuck with me while I have been drinking and talk shit at my birthday and Im gonna get pissed off. Let it be one or two specific people and shit might get rowdy outside a bit later. I aint gonna drop everything to run outside and cause a fight before my fun drunken night is over, I'd rather do it after it all ends and there is nothing left but sleep in a nice warm bed. Wish it was sleep in a warmer bed, 98.6 degree's warmer, but that's another dreamland away, a fairytale only I could fuck up in my real world. I have succeeded at losing two times so far. Cant say it's a complete loss, but it feels like I lost alot, little piece of her, little piece of myself, alot of myself actually. I cant say I haven't recently had some fun, but I dont want that fun. I was so happy just being alone with my ex girlfriend night after night, every single damn weekend, every weekend like clockwork I was with her and some nights we just watched tv and slept. It may have been Friday night and there could have been a kegger downstairs, but we were sleeping in eachothers arms. I miss that feeling, not with her neccesarily, I just miss skipping out on something I'd normally say, are you nuts?!
I misss skipping certain things with friends because I have the best friend I could ask for right next to me who wants me, possibly who loves me, who needs to hear I care, God I do miss that and I plan on digging it back up, finding it again one of these days, I cant wait for the day. I'd do alot for it right now, all too much just to feel that complete relief and happiness in my heart and life once more. Stay young forever kids, if you grow old, you will grow to find you are going to be hurt more than you ever care to experience, you will hurt others, you are going to love someone who doesn't love you, you are going to be loved, but wont be able to love back, you are going to experience some of the worst feelings you have ever felt right after you felt like the world was yours for the taking the day before. Growing up seems all too unfair sometimes. Being young yields no responsibility and no care to love, to feel, to care, but being me, being an older me makes living alot harder than I want. *sigh on that note*
emo depressive Chris takes the knife and turns into Larry...
Ok so here is another emo thing that sucks, this honestly blows. I am going to have a shitty Thanksgiving so far.Plans are not promised and nothing is. My parents will both be working and I'll be doing jackshit as far as I can see, maybe I'll go to the fire station and eat with dad and the guys and the only girl on shift, one of the coolest fire chicks around, Heather(also known as a sister of Satan lol, she is a redhead and that's the name she got lol) Idk yet, Brooke will be here, but her mom and sister will be in Brazil or something, wow my memory served me for an hour and took off like a jet(I suck), and her dad might be at the office so idk, maybe I'll eat with her or something, wonder how that will happen or feel. Im scared, dont know what to say anymore, I feel so different, so scared again... Just so not what I thought I was, what I had. I dont want to mess with any other girls, dont want to look, totally gave this girl the wrong impression the other day when she told me to call her and I said I was single, but not looking because I was head over heels for a girl I couldn't yet get my hands on and she was like I didn't want to fuck you or anything, just thought we could talk. I felt kind of bad,but idk I have had girls who dont know me just give me their number from online and then say call me and then they freak out when I dont because I think it's wierd unless we have talked before online or in person for at least a while, not just 10 minutes.
So yeah my want for a girlfriend is -1000 right now unless of course I get to have.... exactly
So single, fun if that happens, work to make the money and be the best person I can be for myself.Im kind of lost anymore, used to understand alot, had no worries, now Im all over this place.
She seems distant and not so fond of me even as my friend, she seems to glow in all of her pictures, just not online, not on the phone, just not anymore to me except in her pictures where it doesn't matter how happy she is, it's a picture. Idk maybe she'd totally agree, maybe this will scare her, she'd lie to me if it did anyway just not to hurt me, I am pretty sure about it.I'd not say it if I didn't feel she would and maybe Im dead wrong, but I feel she would which sucks, it scares me more. I think she holds back alot and I hate that, Im always up front, couldn't lie to her if I was the devil and I wouldn't want to if I had to. She doesn't want to hurt me and if I had the chance I'd rather hurt and know all truth, rather than not hurt as much and wait for the ultimate truth and hurt to crush me 10 fold.
I hope everything she tells me is out of honesty knowing I need to know it, need to be able to handle the truth and whatever hurt comes with it if any. If she truly loves me as her friend which seems to be so distant too, then she must know that I will hurt more if she hides things just to ensure I dont feel bad about what she has to say.
I hate wishing, but I wish she'd write in her journal sometime. She tells me she needs time to compose thought, but if you think about composing thought or what you are going to write outside of actually being at the computer, you wont write it, you will forget it, you arent writing a journal, you are just thinking about things to later write, that doesn't work. I just want to read a journal of her daily life, how things are, her thoughts as they come to her, not her thoughts that she had to think about for a while and then she decided to sit down and write, I want it to freeflow from her hands and brain, that's writing... I do it, this is not premeditated until right before my fingers do the typing. I just guess being used to reading a journal from someone else is what it is.It's a great tool for communication and right now I feel like she doesn't even want to talk to me so that'd be great to know I can still hear her thoughts if she doesn't want to talk much anymore, hear how she is doing, understand her, understand alot, just anything I can get, I'll take it.
She hasn't recently called me, messaged me online on aim or myspace, I dont believe she has ever just sent me a message on Myspace and maybe Im too crazy over that, but I just think it'd be nice, it's definately not too much to ask, it lets me know she cares, she is thinking about me, no matter how little or how big, I know and I do appreciate those small things. Im just still really confused. I hope I get everything I want really soon, I really do miss it alot.
She is very important to me, she means an unknown amount to me and I dont want that feeling to grow different on me, I want it, her, those special moments with her like we used to have, man it's just so hard knowing you used to, you could have, you aint got it anymore, you are fuckin stupid for arguing in the first place, but then again if you dont stand up for what you believe in, you might as well be a robot right?
Gotta go look for Christmas presents really soon, dont know how that's going to be, dont know what I want, dont know what my parents can afford right now, every year seems to get tighter and tighter even though they dropped over 1300 dollars on me last year in one day alone with the camera etc... I dont know, a gun? I'd rather buy my own to be honest... Maybe the money for a gun, then again I'd have to wait till after Christmas, idk maybe just a gun lol. I want to get a 40 caliber Springfield Armory, same as my dad but a sub compact because it's smaller and easier to conceal carry it. I also want to get my concealed carry license which I will eventually get.
New speakers for my car? New Tires on the rear? New tint is a definate before long lol, idk got a few ideas and some I can just easily do with my own money right this minute. I hope people like what I am getting them for Christmas even though half the people on my list(I dont even know my list yet) are still an undecided gift as far as what I am giving to them. I got low funds, get paid tomorrow, birthday coming up, this time of year is great and it sucks too.
Soon a credit card, actually about 2 will be paid off in full, Chase card will be a while, another year if I more than double my mimimal payment per month, but when the other cards are paid off, that will become easier to do and more so a want so I will be ok with dropping 100 plus on the card at once because I know it will be goin away and soon more money will be going to me, not to some damn debt collector.
Cant wait for my birthday party though, I hope Brooke comes, I'd be pretty bummed if she didn't and I hope Ashley manages to come with Robert as well, that'd be cool if they came up here for a visit and went to Round Up. I am nervous for this though, dont need nor want drama, yet I can sense it brewing already.Some people arent invited by me of course and wont be no matter what, they ruined their welcome in my life at all and will not be let back in unless they become rich and offer me large lump sums of money for years to come, fat chance of that happening so peace out for good people. So that will cause bs I am sure, but whatever. Im gonna have plenty of people there to have fun with, this might be a seriously overly huge party with both Jimmy and I inviting people especially because I have random girls on my friends list I have never met, wanting to go(Andy will be happy haha)and I just invited a shitload of people so far, should be fun.
It's time for sleep, I am tired.Sending my EMT papers in tomorrow sometime after work I guess, get a nex tday delivery to rush it so it makes it on time. Study my ass off for a few weeks and take the test December 20th or 21st. I wont know the exam grades until 3-4 weeks which sucks, but I will be glad to take it and get it outa the way, one step closer to a real deal job I was born for. I guess her wish of only that for Christmas will come a little later than on the 25th, that's my fault,but I am gonna go do it.
sleep.
I misss skipping certain things with friends because I have the best friend I could ask for right next to me who wants me, possibly who loves me, who needs to hear I care, God I do miss that and I plan on digging it back up, finding it again one of these days, I cant wait for the day. I'd do alot for it right now, all too much just to feel that complete relief and happiness in my heart and life once more. Stay young forever kids, if you grow old, you will grow to find you are going to be hurt more than you ever care to experience, you will hurt others, you are going to love someone who doesn't love you, you are going to be loved, but wont be able to love back, you are going to experience some of the worst feelings you have ever felt right after you felt like the world was yours for the taking the day before. Growing up seems all too unfair sometimes. Being young yields no responsibility and no care to love, to feel, to care, but being me, being an older me makes living alot harder than I want. *sigh on that note*
emo depressive Chris takes the knife and turns into Larry...
Ok so here is another emo thing that sucks, this honestly blows. I am going to have a shitty Thanksgiving so far.Plans are not promised and nothing is. My parents will both be working and I'll be doing jackshit as far as I can see, maybe I'll go to the fire station and eat with dad and the guys and the only girl on shift, one of the coolest fire chicks around, Heather(also known as a sister of Satan lol, she is a redhead and that's the name she got lol) Idk yet, Brooke will be here, but her mom and sister will be in Brazil or something, wow my memory served me for an hour and took off like a jet(I suck), and her dad might be at the office so idk, maybe I'll eat with her or something, wonder how that will happen or feel. Im scared, dont know what to say anymore, I feel so different, so scared again... Just so not what I thought I was, what I had. I dont want to mess with any other girls, dont want to look, totally gave this girl the wrong impression the other day when she told me to call her and I said I was single, but not looking because I was head over heels for a girl I couldn't yet get my hands on and she was like I didn't want to fuck you or anything, just thought we could talk. I felt kind of bad,but idk I have had girls who dont know me just give me their number from online and then say call me and then they freak out when I dont because I think it's wierd unless we have talked before online or in person for at least a while, not just 10 minutes.
So yeah my want for a girlfriend is -1000 right now unless of course I get to have.... exactly
So single, fun if that happens, work to make the money and be the best person I can be for myself.Im kind of lost anymore, used to understand alot, had no worries, now Im all over this place.
She seems distant and not so fond of me even as my friend, she seems to glow in all of her pictures, just not online, not on the phone, just not anymore to me except in her pictures where it doesn't matter how happy she is, it's a picture. Idk maybe she'd totally agree, maybe this will scare her, she'd lie to me if it did anyway just not to hurt me, I am pretty sure about it.I'd not say it if I didn't feel she would and maybe Im dead wrong, but I feel she would which sucks, it scares me more. I think she holds back alot and I hate that, Im always up front, couldn't lie to her if I was the devil and I wouldn't want to if I had to. She doesn't want to hurt me and if I had the chance I'd rather hurt and know all truth, rather than not hurt as much and wait for the ultimate truth and hurt to crush me 10 fold.
I hope everything she tells me is out of honesty knowing I need to know it, need to be able to handle the truth and whatever hurt comes with it if any. If she truly loves me as her friend which seems to be so distant too, then she must know that I will hurt more if she hides things just to ensure I dont feel bad about what she has to say.
I hate wishing, but I wish she'd write in her journal sometime. She tells me she needs time to compose thought, but if you think about composing thought or what you are going to write outside of actually being at the computer, you wont write it, you will forget it, you arent writing a journal, you are just thinking about things to later write, that doesn't work. I just want to read a journal of her daily life, how things are, her thoughts as they come to her, not her thoughts that she had to think about for a while and then she decided to sit down and write, I want it to freeflow from her hands and brain, that's writing... I do it, this is not premeditated until right before my fingers do the typing. I just guess being used to reading a journal from someone else is what it is.It's a great tool for communication and right now I feel like she doesn't even want to talk to me so that'd be great to know I can still hear her thoughts if she doesn't want to talk much anymore, hear how she is doing, understand her, understand alot, just anything I can get, I'll take it.
She hasn't recently called me, messaged me online on aim or myspace, I dont believe she has ever just sent me a message on Myspace and maybe Im too crazy over that, but I just think it'd be nice, it's definately not too much to ask, it lets me know she cares, she is thinking about me, no matter how little or how big, I know and I do appreciate those small things. Im just still really confused. I hope I get everything I want really soon, I really do miss it alot.
She is very important to me, she means an unknown amount to me and I dont want that feeling to grow different on me, I want it, her, those special moments with her like we used to have, man it's just so hard knowing you used to, you could have, you aint got it anymore, you are fuckin stupid for arguing in the first place, but then again if you dont stand up for what you believe in, you might as well be a robot right?
Gotta go look for Christmas presents really soon, dont know how that's going to be, dont know what I want, dont know what my parents can afford right now, every year seems to get tighter and tighter even though they dropped over 1300 dollars on me last year in one day alone with the camera etc... I dont know, a gun? I'd rather buy my own to be honest... Maybe the money for a gun, then again I'd have to wait till after Christmas, idk maybe just a gun lol. I want to get a 40 caliber Springfield Armory, same as my dad but a sub compact because it's smaller and easier to conceal carry it. I also want to get my concealed carry license which I will eventually get.
New speakers for my car? New Tires on the rear? New tint is a definate before long lol, idk got a few ideas and some I can just easily do with my own money right this minute. I hope people like what I am getting them for Christmas even though half the people on my list(I dont even know my list yet) are still an undecided gift as far as what I am giving to them. I got low funds, get paid tomorrow, birthday coming up, this time of year is great and it sucks too.
Soon a credit card, actually about 2 will be paid off in full, Chase card will be a while, another year if I more than double my mimimal payment per month, but when the other cards are paid off, that will become easier to do and more so a want so I will be ok with dropping 100 plus on the card at once because I know it will be goin away and soon more money will be going to me, not to some damn debt collector.
Cant wait for my birthday party though, I hope Brooke comes, I'd be pretty bummed if she didn't and I hope Ashley manages to come with Robert as well, that'd be cool if they came up here for a visit and went to Round Up. I am nervous for this though, dont need nor want drama, yet I can sense it brewing already.Some people arent invited by me of course and wont be no matter what, they ruined their welcome in my life at all and will not be let back in unless they become rich and offer me large lump sums of money for years to come, fat chance of that happening so peace out for good people. So that will cause bs I am sure, but whatever. Im gonna have plenty of people there to have fun with, this might be a seriously overly huge party with both Jimmy and I inviting people especially because I have random girls on my friends list I have never met, wanting to go(Andy will be happy haha)and I just invited a shitload of people so far, should be fun.
It's time for sleep, I am tired.Sending my EMT papers in tomorrow sometime after work I guess, get a nex tday delivery to rush it so it makes it on time. Study my ass off for a few weeks and take the test December 20th or 21st. I wont know the exam grades until 3-4 weeks which sucks, but I will be glad to take it and get it outa the way, one step closer to a real deal job I was born for. I guess her wish of only that for Christmas will come a little later than on the 25th, that's my fault,but I am gonna go do it.
sleep.