A turn of difference.
So Friday went to shit, it was an ok week since last weekend, usually is and then the weekend comes and so far it's just been easy to know what's going to happen next. Easy is not always the best way and this time around, easy to know means a shitty weekend and I dont want that. She means more to me than I ever thought she would. God at first I thought she wanted a little fun aka in other words a quickie just to get away from things and people need love and affection, there is nothing wrong with it. In my best interest I didn't want to say well wait, you want to get together and have sex with me dont you? Because then she'd probly think she was being slutty or I'd look like I was calling her a slut or something so I kinda poked around and said well what do you want? I need to know what you want from me and I was on the verge of the word sex all along, I just couldn't say it for the reasons I just explained so I felt like I was being viewed as retarded being that I was like ahh so what do you want before you leave for school and it was damn clear she wanted to see if a little love interest or whatever you want to call it, would be struck up in that time.
Eventually it did, wouldn't and couldn't have pictured one kiss would turn into my longing to be around a girl who kept me happy all the time, just having a girl who wanted to sleep in my arms. From watching tv while not sleepy at all, to turning towards me on a small 1 person couch just to wrap herself up in me and fall asleep with me right there with her. I miss those nights, those cant be brought back because those first moments of you have with someone new are always going to be there, just not available to experience again with that person, it's just not the same kiss of course, it's not that first kiss anymore or whatever, but I miss those times for sure,we had alot of good nights.
But back to Friday, that went down the drain, probably all because of me. I wanted to see what she was doing because I was ignoring her to keep myself away from her. It's hard to not want to be with her and not be a little upset that I cant just freely act the way we used to. It's my fault we cant, but at the same time being so used to kissing the girl you adore so much, that means so much to you, it just irritates you and makes your mind roll thoughts over and over and over driving you insane so it's really hard to deal with it sometimes, so far anyway.. I really hope to change it and myself for the better.
I was just upset that she forgot to call me, made me think she wasn't thinking about me at all and that's not me at all. I always think about her, but I guess I have been a jerk about things lately, not all and not all has been bitching on my part, but she seems to think so so I cant do anything but say "no I didn't bitch all the time" and then all I will get is my dumbass farther down the road or a smartass remark from her saying fine, 3 minutes of it was ok. So leaving it alone is the best possible thing to do. I just missed her, wanted to talk and I mentioned something trivial and then wound up in a damn argument again, let the past be the past though. I'll just pick it up from here.
I wanted to go to the zoo with her on Saturday morning because we had talked about it before, when we were a little better off than now. Well that disapeared easily of course. There was no point to asking because I knew the answer and knew what was best for us, space, a little time, not the zoo.
Saturday I did remember it all just like she said and I remembered we were at Bobby's house drinking a little, thing is, I actually only had one beer, a NewCastle and I was not drunk. Now before we got there I drank some and of course she made the point to digging that up asking how much I drank. I should have known it was for her knowledge on whether or not she wanted to talk to me, that sucks...I hate that.
So she wanted to know how much I drank, wasn't enough to be drunk, but I was having a good time, but we managed to get to "me bitching" somehow or another and then it was crap as I said. So yeah I remembered it all, regreted everything 10 times more the next day when I woke up and I knew I would, but I felt good saying things that were on my mind, bugging the hell out of me so I did it, I said those things and I did something I knew I'd do, dig my hole much deeper. Stupidity is a killer, recently I have been pretty stupid, but some things shouldn't be given up in order to get what you want and then again, some things should be.
I believe some change is neccesary in a relationship, but if there is alot of change needed, if someone ask's for you to go against what you have always known or just simply what you dont want to change about yourself, then maybe they arent worth your time. I have just felt as if I have been asked to change more than her. I want her to rid some friends that truly are snakes and not only I know it, others have talked to me, others know their ways from knowing them longer than I and they tell me everything that is just music to my ears. I cant ask her anymore though, that has to be tossed. I guess in the end I can quite possibly get my payback on Ryan by dating the girl I want so much that he cant have anymore. I guess that is payback enough without even saying a word. I am sure he hates me enough because Brooke wanted to hang out with me more and more and more as time progressed and that's his fault I guess. She was looking for a way out of the relationship as I see it. I know things were rocky for a couple month's , much like they are now, but I see the error of my ways, change is inevedable and I plan on making sure that change is for the better, the best there has been and for myself as well as her.
Saturday night was pretty decent for me though, thank God. I had been worried all day about what I'd be doing. I hate missing out on fun things and I didn't want o go to Round Up yet I really did. I didn't want to see her, but I did. I couldn't help but feel strong emotion towards her, a good emotion, but I knew she basically hated me through the whole day, hell I am sure hate is the prime word over the last couple weeks, it's ok I deserve that though adn all I can do is fix it for the future.
I went to get money from the bank for Dave and myself then head to the mall. Dave met me at Tyrone mall as he was not really far away as Denzils house wherever that is.Dave needed money for more than the above reason's he gave me, but that's ok I wasn't nosy about it. He didn't go to TRU as I asked, but it's his decision and I dont control him just because I loaned him 60 bucks. He is a good friend regardless and I dont mind loaning the money out or buying things for people if buying something relatively expensive if I get the money back when you tell me you will get it back. In his case, tomorrow is the day he told me he'd have his check cashed and get me the money back so that's cool.
I got a shirt from Pants Town in the mall, another John Deere of course cause I am super trendy and all, I'll be the next Paris Hilton but as a guy without a trucker hat. We walked around a bit after, I smiled at some girl working in Aeropostale I swore was Tiffany and walked in and said Dave you remember I was telling you about her and he was like idk and as I walked up it wasn't her LOL,yeaaaaaaaah so I quickly went ahh shit it's not her run lol. We just walked out and I said yeah she ahh works here, but that was not her and I just thought it was. Andy and Seth were working as usual, I walked by without a look to either of them because Seth has death written on his forehead and so many others think he is a complete dumbass too. One of my friends at Round Up thinks he is a short little shit talker waiting for an ass beating as well, hey what do you know, Im not wasting all of my time!
So after walking by, Dave stopping to talk to them for a minute, we went to the food court, Chik Fil A of course and then we took off.Dave had to be at Ambers for dinner at like 7 and I had nothing to do. I sat at home until around 9:30, got gas and took off for Round Up not knowing if anyone would be there. I contemplated going to see Brooke and go with her, but I told myself I am a moron and that'd never work, wtf are you thinking anyway? Simply that I am an idiot who cares basically, the guy who cares alot, but cant seem to stop being a dumbass and screwing himself over. Im gonna fix this shit though.
I got to Round Up and saw no one there I knew, holy shit the place was already pretty packed and the lot across the street was dead empty. I had a spot picked like 3 rows back from the front of Round Up. I waited for a car to pull out and snagged it.Waited a few minutes by the car just wondering if anyone would drive by I knew, smoked a cig and listed to some music then went inside. Looked around, no one... I saw Laura a few minutes later and that was it, slowly I saw more and more people, eventually I ran into Ryan whom wanted to fight me over that whore Carly as did I because he took her bullshit lies about sleeping around and then had a problem with me because he beleived her. He realized not long after she was fucking every dick she could manage and not bothering to tell everyone she slept with she was just busy screwing some other guy and that she might very well have a venereal disease. Then her whole birth control thing, yeah that really made me pissed so eventually that girl is going to screw the wrong guy and either A) pass on some disease to some other guy or many other guys and girls because she is bi and fucks her roomie...yeaaaaa...great stuff or she will B) fuck some guy who finds out she was sleeping with like 20 others in the last couple month's and he is going to flip out and kill her or something.? It's like screwing with the retarded kids at school, you keep pushing them around until anger builds and fear subsides.That's how it happens and then boom, the kids who werent competent enough to make good grades learned how to shoot up a school and you were the ones who sparked that whole event. ok enough of that lol.
Eventually lots of the regulars showed up. I saw Danielle first, told her I didn't think I'd be staying, if I did I'd not be talking to Brooke anyway, but I wanted to so bad. I told her my friends Ryan and Brad were both at the Trough and it was packed when I drove by it at like 9:45, yeaaaah packed like all hell early on too, wow... I wanted to go hang out with them and just enjoy my time elsewhere for once because I knew that if no one showed up at TRU, my night would be boring. I go there to dance and then talk with friends, not dance alone and wait for more songs. Danielle asked me to stay because she didn't know who would be coming and she didn't want to be alone there so I said ok...But I am going to let you know in a little while. I figured I was going to stay if at 11:30 I was still there and there were actually people there with us and that's what happened. People showed up, there was no damn line outside the whole night(WTF>?) and I managed to have a good time. I saw two people kiss eachother and one of those people, a guy is trying to talk to someone else right now, wtf? I looked at it as I saw it and just said whoooooooooa wtf was that lol, in a joking manner of course cause I dont give a fuck, but the two are only like "dating" who knows what is what and it's not serious so him kissing some other girl aint a big deal I guess, not my business anyway so I dont care. I was happy finally, just being with friends made me happy and I just had a good time joking around with people.
Brooke left early and due to Paige I guess, but it's better that way for me right now. I didn't like seing her leave at all, but watching her dance without me hurts alot more. I did Neon Moon for the first time without her, she did it with her sister, but it wouldn't have been the same to dance with her even if she would have said yes and chances are, she wouldn't have and if I was her at this time, I'd have had the plan to dance with someone else before I could ask, but that's my thinking of how mad she is right now.That's what I would do... I danced with Danielle and the song they played sucked anyway, I am glad it wasn't Brookes and Dunn's Neon Moon because I love that song and I love just looking at her everytime I spin her around right before the 2nd and final spin into the time you start back where you start the dance off. So the song was too fast, people are way too God damn retarded and they cant keep a beat in their head. It's not hard, the tempo comes so easy for me and I cant figure out if I am just good at hearing it because I like beats and drums, anything to do with percussion more than most or if I am just not a moron. I could see people going wayyy too fast for the song and some wayy too slow which just completely fucked me up. I had to look at my feet to keep my own pace so my eyes didn't say wait, you are off every other tard in here is doing it this way so catch up.
I had fun anyway, the only slow dance I did and I didn't want to dance it really. I told Danielle I would because we were both alone that night, Denzil was not there for her to dance with and I didn't have my partner in crime. I thought about it later and thought ehhh, it's a bitch for me to dance with her. I might be able to be a bit more comfortable if I change up somehow,but I am so tall, she is so short, a foot worth of difference between us and that's alot. She is hard for me to dance with because my back aches after standing in that position and trying to hold myself there. Finch and I talked a bit later on in the night, he is pretty steady with questions to see how good of a friend I am just because he is hearing alot of different things and I am happy to say that he aint left my side yet as my boy, my friend....
He asked me about a different scenario, slightly the same as Brookes, but not quite. He said now if I was your boy, a goood friend and I did something screwed up or had some pictures hidden away on my computer from years ago of some naked girls and I interrupted him and said but wait, he didn't have them from years ago and or like strip club pictures or whatever, they were pictures from recently and everyone tried to lie for him. He said no no, Im making my own scenario, dont compare mine so much to that one, this one is just mine I am making up. So he asked if you were my boy, I screwed up cause of some pictures I had from years and years ago or whatever, just a long ass time back and she left me, would you date her? I told him straight up, no way I'd not touch her or even give the slightest inclination I wanted to do anything with her and that's all he needed from me. He said good man, that's what I wanted to know. I wanted to see where you stood for real because I hear about this drama and I just wanted to know if you are friends with them, still have beef or whatever and I said yeah I still have problems with them because of the shit they said behind my back, the problems they caused, but I dont talk to them anymore so things should get easier, I hope anyway.
I am glad I got a buddy like Finch though, he is a good guy and always hears both sides of the story before accusing someone of stepping over any lines. He thought about it all this week since last Sat night at Bobby and Katies haloween party and thought about bringing it to my attention last night. I just wondered cause I thought about why that came up outa nowhere.I asked if anyone said anything or gave me a dirty look that he caught or whatever, he said no, it was just what we talked about a week ago and I didn't know what to think about it at first.
So the night was pretty good and I forgot, I talked to Chris, a friend of April, the girl who is in ZTA for USF. Chris aka Longo is there quite a bit, he says Dallas Bull sucks and he likes Round Up much better because the dancing is better there as well as the atmosphere. He told me I need to learn baja so I can get out there and dance to it,lol riiiight maybe one day.I am a little slower.We talked for quite a while, he is really a cool guy and I didn't think he would ever come around, but he is a cool guy to bs with. He told me he'd definately try to come out for my bday party and April wants to try to as well, I hardly talk to her, but I have feeling Chris and I will become good friends. His birthday is in February I believe and he will be 22 so I am older by two month's,I never would have guessed, he looks like he is at least 23 idk..
So I might be able to meet more new people out in Tampa at USF or whatever and at some parties. He actually told me I could have crashed at his house had I not had to work the Monday after Halloween because April had a party at her house on Sunday and I thought about going, but because of work, driving 33 or so miles to Tampa(yeah it's about 33 because I know the drive that well, she lives right there a whole mile or two from Amanda's apartments,joy.... I wont ever see her at any of those events though unless it's a crazy party at an apt complex where everyone is going to be because I dont believe April and her get along and Amanda thinks that April has a thing for every guy that she dated before because I started talking to April at Round Up and on her page, never anything serious or like dating wise, just friends and she took that into thought after seing her talk to a few others guys she dated before me, idk wierd coincidence I guess, whatever.
So I am glad we are good friends now and I am welcome to stay at his place, that's cool by me. Hopefulyl we party it up some weekend, he is a cool guy.
I thought about writing this journal no long after I woke up today and I haven't even gotten to that point yet, why I wanted to write. I had a dream today,I almost said this morning, but I didn't wake up till like 3 or so lol,I love my weekends though(for the most part).I know I had the dream not long before I woke because it was fresh in my mind and I was well aware of what the dream was about, wierd as most dreams, but I remembered it which is often hard to do.
I had a dream that I was walking down the road with Brooke and a couple other people were behind us, some friends? I dunno, but I was walking with my arm around her and things were perfect and I swear in my head.....that I was thinking wow, how is this true, we were just fighting so much and that's really wierd because I dont recall dreams of mine ever contradicting themselves. If they are great dreams, you dont recall your daily life in anyway that could make you remember that you recently had a shitty weekend with them or whatever, but I swear I was weary in the dream about kissing her. I did though and we were walking while kissing, it was like so picture perfect. I can put these words together and make you feel the moment I was in.It was kinda sloppy, lol I didn't get her lips dead on, but she was on my right side and I loked over and just did the little triple kiss we have, little quick pecks and on the side of her lips hah. I was so happy and then I woke up. Isn't that the way it always works? You never have a damn dream until your alarm clock needs to wake you the hell up, or your dad comes in to say something, until the dog walks in, bumps your foot and wakes you. It's strange as hell that your dreams are so perfectly timed that you have the greatest or the worst dream ever and right as something great or seriously wrong could happen, boom you dont get to experience it because you are awake... WTF?
All I know is that I had a dream that I kissed her and it was amazing, the feelings I had were so great and then I woke up, guess it wasn't too bad, I got to kiss her today and it's been like a week(Sat morning?) in reality...I miss it alot, God it hurts. I get that feeling many would explain to be butterflies, but my chest hurt, I like had this deep beating pulse, not really fast just deeper and it kinda made me feel a little worked up when I saw her. Like I am fine and then I turn around and see Paige and Brooke and instantly I feel like I did something wrong, that feeling you get when you know you are in trouble. I dont know why I get that kinda feeling when I see her, I guess I just compare it to that because I get nervous, my heart beats faster or stronger and I want to like sweat or something so that's probly the easiest thing to compare it to.
Ok well my dream was wonderful, wish I could go back to sleep and hold her tight and never let her go.
You have seen me be completely stupid lately, but I am going to change it. I am going to take you and surprise you and no matter what I gotta do to get that one thing I want and the one thing I know you'd love to have so much if you truly had it(a relationship with a pretty good guy who is straight forward and honest 100 percent of the time every day) I will do it to make it happen. You do something to me Brooke. I look at you and I cant even explain how much of me wants to smile knowing I am complete when we are together laying in eachothers arms.
For now, Im done and out.
Chris Ryan
Eventually it did, wouldn't and couldn't have pictured one kiss would turn into my longing to be around a girl who kept me happy all the time, just having a girl who wanted to sleep in my arms. From watching tv while not sleepy at all, to turning towards me on a small 1 person couch just to wrap herself up in me and fall asleep with me right there with her. I miss those nights, those cant be brought back because those first moments of you have with someone new are always going to be there, just not available to experience again with that person, it's just not the same kiss of course, it's not that first kiss anymore or whatever, but I miss those times for sure,we had alot of good nights.
But back to Friday, that went down the drain, probably all because of me. I wanted to see what she was doing because I was ignoring her to keep myself away from her. It's hard to not want to be with her and not be a little upset that I cant just freely act the way we used to. It's my fault we cant, but at the same time being so used to kissing the girl you adore so much, that means so much to you, it just irritates you and makes your mind roll thoughts over and over and over driving you insane so it's really hard to deal with it sometimes, so far anyway.. I really hope to change it and myself for the better.
I was just upset that she forgot to call me, made me think she wasn't thinking about me at all and that's not me at all. I always think about her, but I guess I have been a jerk about things lately, not all and not all has been bitching on my part, but she seems to think so so I cant do anything but say "no I didn't bitch all the time" and then all I will get is my dumbass farther down the road or a smartass remark from her saying fine, 3 minutes of it was ok. So leaving it alone is the best possible thing to do. I just missed her, wanted to talk and I mentioned something trivial and then wound up in a damn argument again, let the past be the past though. I'll just pick it up from here.
I wanted to go to the zoo with her on Saturday morning because we had talked about it before, when we were a little better off than now. Well that disapeared easily of course. There was no point to asking because I knew the answer and knew what was best for us, space, a little time, not the zoo.
Saturday I did remember it all just like she said and I remembered we were at Bobby's house drinking a little, thing is, I actually only had one beer, a NewCastle and I was not drunk. Now before we got there I drank some and of course she made the point to digging that up asking how much I drank. I should have known it was for her knowledge on whether or not she wanted to talk to me, that sucks...I hate that.
So she wanted to know how much I drank, wasn't enough to be drunk, but I was having a good time, but we managed to get to "me bitching" somehow or another and then it was crap as I said. So yeah I remembered it all, regreted everything 10 times more the next day when I woke up and I knew I would, but I felt good saying things that were on my mind, bugging the hell out of me so I did it, I said those things and I did something I knew I'd do, dig my hole much deeper. Stupidity is a killer, recently I have been pretty stupid, but some things shouldn't be given up in order to get what you want and then again, some things should be.
I believe some change is neccesary in a relationship, but if there is alot of change needed, if someone ask's for you to go against what you have always known or just simply what you dont want to change about yourself, then maybe they arent worth your time. I have just felt as if I have been asked to change more than her. I want her to rid some friends that truly are snakes and not only I know it, others have talked to me, others know their ways from knowing them longer than I and they tell me everything that is just music to my ears. I cant ask her anymore though, that has to be tossed. I guess in the end I can quite possibly get my payback on Ryan by dating the girl I want so much that he cant have anymore. I guess that is payback enough without even saying a word. I am sure he hates me enough because Brooke wanted to hang out with me more and more and more as time progressed and that's his fault I guess. She was looking for a way out of the relationship as I see it. I know things were rocky for a couple month's , much like they are now, but I see the error of my ways, change is inevedable and I plan on making sure that change is for the better, the best there has been and for myself as well as her.
Saturday night was pretty decent for me though, thank God. I had been worried all day about what I'd be doing. I hate missing out on fun things and I didn't want o go to Round Up yet I really did. I didn't want to see her, but I did. I couldn't help but feel strong emotion towards her, a good emotion, but I knew she basically hated me through the whole day, hell I am sure hate is the prime word over the last couple weeks, it's ok I deserve that though adn all I can do is fix it for the future.
I went to get money from the bank for Dave and myself then head to the mall. Dave met me at Tyrone mall as he was not really far away as Denzils house wherever that is.Dave needed money for more than the above reason's he gave me, but that's ok I wasn't nosy about it. He didn't go to TRU as I asked, but it's his decision and I dont control him just because I loaned him 60 bucks. He is a good friend regardless and I dont mind loaning the money out or buying things for people if buying something relatively expensive if I get the money back when you tell me you will get it back. In his case, tomorrow is the day he told me he'd have his check cashed and get me the money back so that's cool.
I got a shirt from Pants Town in the mall, another John Deere of course cause I am super trendy and all, I'll be the next Paris Hilton but as a guy without a trucker hat. We walked around a bit after, I smiled at some girl working in Aeropostale I swore was Tiffany and walked in and said Dave you remember I was telling you about her and he was like idk and as I walked up it wasn't her LOL,yeaaaaaaaah so I quickly went ahh shit it's not her run lol. We just walked out and I said yeah she ahh works here, but that was not her and I just thought it was. Andy and Seth were working as usual, I walked by without a look to either of them because Seth has death written on his forehead and so many others think he is a complete dumbass too. One of my friends at Round Up thinks he is a short little shit talker waiting for an ass beating as well, hey what do you know, Im not wasting all of my time!
So after walking by, Dave stopping to talk to them for a minute, we went to the food court, Chik Fil A of course and then we took off.Dave had to be at Ambers for dinner at like 7 and I had nothing to do. I sat at home until around 9:30, got gas and took off for Round Up not knowing if anyone would be there. I contemplated going to see Brooke and go with her, but I told myself I am a moron and that'd never work, wtf are you thinking anyway? Simply that I am an idiot who cares basically, the guy who cares alot, but cant seem to stop being a dumbass and screwing himself over. Im gonna fix this shit though.
I got to Round Up and saw no one there I knew, holy shit the place was already pretty packed and the lot across the street was dead empty. I had a spot picked like 3 rows back from the front of Round Up. I waited for a car to pull out and snagged it.Waited a few minutes by the car just wondering if anyone would drive by I knew, smoked a cig and listed to some music then went inside. Looked around, no one... I saw Laura a few minutes later and that was it, slowly I saw more and more people, eventually I ran into Ryan whom wanted to fight me over that whore Carly as did I because he took her bullshit lies about sleeping around and then had a problem with me because he beleived her. He realized not long after she was fucking every dick she could manage and not bothering to tell everyone she slept with she was just busy screwing some other guy and that she might very well have a venereal disease. Then her whole birth control thing, yeah that really made me pissed so eventually that girl is going to screw the wrong guy and either A) pass on some disease to some other guy or many other guys and girls because she is bi and fucks her roomie...yeaaaaa...great stuff or she will B) fuck some guy who finds out she was sleeping with like 20 others in the last couple month's and he is going to flip out and kill her or something.? It's like screwing with the retarded kids at school, you keep pushing them around until anger builds and fear subsides.That's how it happens and then boom, the kids who werent competent enough to make good grades learned how to shoot up a school and you were the ones who sparked that whole event. ok enough of that lol.
Eventually lots of the regulars showed up. I saw Danielle first, told her I didn't think I'd be staying, if I did I'd not be talking to Brooke anyway, but I wanted to so bad. I told her my friends Ryan and Brad were both at the Trough and it was packed when I drove by it at like 9:45, yeaaaah packed like all hell early on too, wow... I wanted to go hang out with them and just enjoy my time elsewhere for once because I knew that if no one showed up at TRU, my night would be boring. I go there to dance and then talk with friends, not dance alone and wait for more songs. Danielle asked me to stay because she didn't know who would be coming and she didn't want to be alone there so I said ok...But I am going to let you know in a little while. I figured I was going to stay if at 11:30 I was still there and there were actually people there with us and that's what happened. People showed up, there was no damn line outside the whole night(WTF>?) and I managed to have a good time. I saw two people kiss eachother and one of those people, a guy is trying to talk to someone else right now, wtf? I looked at it as I saw it and just said whoooooooooa wtf was that lol, in a joking manner of course cause I dont give a fuck, but the two are only like "dating" who knows what is what and it's not serious so him kissing some other girl aint a big deal I guess, not my business anyway so I dont care. I was happy finally, just being with friends made me happy and I just had a good time joking around with people.
Brooke left early and due to Paige I guess, but it's better that way for me right now. I didn't like seing her leave at all, but watching her dance without me hurts alot more. I did Neon Moon for the first time without her, she did it with her sister, but it wouldn't have been the same to dance with her even if she would have said yes and chances are, she wouldn't have and if I was her at this time, I'd have had the plan to dance with someone else before I could ask, but that's my thinking of how mad she is right now.That's what I would do... I danced with Danielle and the song they played sucked anyway, I am glad it wasn't Brookes and Dunn's Neon Moon because I love that song and I love just looking at her everytime I spin her around right before the 2nd and final spin into the time you start back where you start the dance off. So the song was too fast, people are way too God damn retarded and they cant keep a beat in their head. It's not hard, the tempo comes so easy for me and I cant figure out if I am just good at hearing it because I like beats and drums, anything to do with percussion more than most or if I am just not a moron. I could see people going wayyy too fast for the song and some wayy too slow which just completely fucked me up. I had to look at my feet to keep my own pace so my eyes didn't say wait, you are off every other tard in here is doing it this way so catch up.
I had fun anyway, the only slow dance I did and I didn't want to dance it really. I told Danielle I would because we were both alone that night, Denzil was not there for her to dance with and I didn't have my partner in crime. I thought about it later and thought ehhh, it's a bitch for me to dance with her. I might be able to be a bit more comfortable if I change up somehow,but I am so tall, she is so short, a foot worth of difference between us and that's alot. She is hard for me to dance with because my back aches after standing in that position and trying to hold myself there. Finch and I talked a bit later on in the night, he is pretty steady with questions to see how good of a friend I am just because he is hearing alot of different things and I am happy to say that he aint left my side yet as my boy, my friend....
He asked me about a different scenario, slightly the same as Brookes, but not quite. He said now if I was your boy, a goood friend and I did something screwed up or had some pictures hidden away on my computer from years ago of some naked girls and I interrupted him and said but wait, he didn't have them from years ago and or like strip club pictures or whatever, they were pictures from recently and everyone tried to lie for him. He said no no, Im making my own scenario, dont compare mine so much to that one, this one is just mine I am making up. So he asked if you were my boy, I screwed up cause of some pictures I had from years and years ago or whatever, just a long ass time back and she left me, would you date her? I told him straight up, no way I'd not touch her or even give the slightest inclination I wanted to do anything with her and that's all he needed from me. He said good man, that's what I wanted to know. I wanted to see where you stood for real because I hear about this drama and I just wanted to know if you are friends with them, still have beef or whatever and I said yeah I still have problems with them because of the shit they said behind my back, the problems they caused, but I dont talk to them anymore so things should get easier, I hope anyway.
I am glad I got a buddy like Finch though, he is a good guy and always hears both sides of the story before accusing someone of stepping over any lines. He thought about it all this week since last Sat night at Bobby and Katies haloween party and thought about bringing it to my attention last night. I just wondered cause I thought about why that came up outa nowhere.I asked if anyone said anything or gave me a dirty look that he caught or whatever, he said no, it was just what we talked about a week ago and I didn't know what to think about it at first.
So the night was pretty good and I forgot, I talked to Chris, a friend of April, the girl who is in ZTA for USF. Chris aka Longo is there quite a bit, he says Dallas Bull sucks and he likes Round Up much better because the dancing is better there as well as the atmosphere. He told me I need to learn baja so I can get out there and dance to it,lol riiiight maybe one day.I am a little slower.We talked for quite a while, he is really a cool guy and I didn't think he would ever come around, but he is a cool guy to bs with. He told me he'd definately try to come out for my bday party and April wants to try to as well, I hardly talk to her, but I have feeling Chris and I will become good friends. His birthday is in February I believe and he will be 22 so I am older by two month's,I never would have guessed, he looks like he is at least 23 idk..
So I might be able to meet more new people out in Tampa at USF or whatever and at some parties. He actually told me I could have crashed at his house had I not had to work the Monday after Halloween because April had a party at her house on Sunday and I thought about going, but because of work, driving 33 or so miles to Tampa(yeah it's about 33 because I know the drive that well, she lives right there a whole mile or two from Amanda's apartments,joy.... I wont ever see her at any of those events though unless it's a crazy party at an apt complex where everyone is going to be because I dont believe April and her get along and Amanda thinks that April has a thing for every guy that she dated before because I started talking to April at Round Up and on her page, never anything serious or like dating wise, just friends and she took that into thought after seing her talk to a few others guys she dated before me, idk wierd coincidence I guess, whatever.
So I am glad we are good friends now and I am welcome to stay at his place, that's cool by me. Hopefulyl we party it up some weekend, he is a cool guy.
I thought about writing this journal no long after I woke up today and I haven't even gotten to that point yet, why I wanted to write. I had a dream today,I almost said this morning, but I didn't wake up till like 3 or so lol,I love my weekends though(for the most part).I know I had the dream not long before I woke because it was fresh in my mind and I was well aware of what the dream was about, wierd as most dreams, but I remembered it which is often hard to do.
I had a dream that I was walking down the road with Brooke and a couple other people were behind us, some friends? I dunno, but I was walking with my arm around her and things were perfect and I swear in my head.....that I was thinking wow, how is this true, we were just fighting so much and that's really wierd because I dont recall dreams of mine ever contradicting themselves. If they are great dreams, you dont recall your daily life in anyway that could make you remember that you recently had a shitty weekend with them or whatever, but I swear I was weary in the dream about kissing her. I did though and we were walking while kissing, it was like so picture perfect. I can put these words together and make you feel the moment I was in.It was kinda sloppy, lol I didn't get her lips dead on, but she was on my right side and I loked over and just did the little triple kiss we have, little quick pecks and on the side of her lips hah. I was so happy and then I woke up. Isn't that the way it always works? You never have a damn dream until your alarm clock needs to wake you the hell up, or your dad comes in to say something, until the dog walks in, bumps your foot and wakes you. It's strange as hell that your dreams are so perfectly timed that you have the greatest or the worst dream ever and right as something great or seriously wrong could happen, boom you dont get to experience it because you are awake... WTF?
All I know is that I had a dream that I kissed her and it was amazing, the feelings I had were so great and then I woke up, guess it wasn't too bad, I got to kiss her today and it's been like a week(Sat morning?) in reality...I miss it alot, God it hurts. I get that feeling many would explain to be butterflies, but my chest hurt, I like had this deep beating pulse, not really fast just deeper and it kinda made me feel a little worked up when I saw her. Like I am fine and then I turn around and see Paige and Brooke and instantly I feel like I did something wrong, that feeling you get when you know you are in trouble. I dont know why I get that kinda feeling when I see her, I guess I just compare it to that because I get nervous, my heart beats faster or stronger and I want to like sweat or something so that's probly the easiest thing to compare it to.
Ok well my dream was wonderful, wish I could go back to sleep and hold her tight and never let her go.
You have seen me be completely stupid lately, but I am going to change it. I am going to take you and surprise you and no matter what I gotta do to get that one thing I want and the one thing I know you'd love to have so much if you truly had it(a relationship with a pretty good guy who is straight forward and honest 100 percent of the time every day) I will do it to make it happen. You do something to me Brooke. I look at you and I cant even explain how much of me wants to smile knowing I am complete when we are together laying in eachothers arms.
For now, Im done and out.
Chris Ryan