Thoughts on the water
9/9/2005
BARailey (12:21:40 AM): u really think u wanna keep me around that long
goopster 1 (12:28:11 AM): Yeah I do
goopster 1 (12:29:05 AM): You think you wanna spend that much time around a dork like me?
BARailey (12:29:21 AM): i know i do
hmmmm,those definately made me smile... I miss that
I left the house earlier, just got bored and I needed to get money from the ATM. I got my money, drove around and went towards the Skyway. I was going to go sit out on the water there and just think for a while and enjoy the air, but I forgot you have to cross over the toll or so it appeared, in order to get there to the little rest area. I pulled off the side of the road before the toll cause I didn't have change and I backed up and cut through the middle where there is a little connecting road and then just went back the other wa towards the house. I wanted to go sit and think so I figured I'd still go elsewhere. I drove to the water by the pier. It's amazing how many people sleep outside on the water there. I saw people in sleeping bags, but they didn't appear to be bums, idk what the hell was going on lol, like a festival of sleeping outdoorsman on the water. I did however see bums sleeping, but this was different, idk upperlcass bums? lol
So I turned around when I found a spot because of the people sleeping and headed towards the Vinoy.I parked and sat on the seawall for like 20 minutes. I got uncomfortable, my back hurt sitting there like that not on a bench or a seat, crooked ass back grr... It was nice sitting there on the water and there were plenty of boats docked tonight for some reason. Maybe they are always docked there at night, I'd not know because I am never there at night, but it appeared a bit more packed than normal so maybe there is something going on this weekend.
It was a good time to reflect though, just alot going through my head lately and it never seems to end. I cant go a day without thinking about it once.I always think about it and cant help the feelings that flow. I hate it, I hate feeling lost and out of things. I dont need to feel crappy or depressed, I have been there too much in the last year, and dont need more of that stuff. I wish I could just be happy and look into some girls eyes and know she is happy too. I dont know...I cant help but ponder alot of thoughts and wonder what will happen in the near future. I thought I had something, but again I dont know. It's really unclear right now what I have and I hate what was discussed, it seems like I am being left behind no matter how she says it. I know what I have heard before and before led me into straight heartbreak in a cold manner. I find heartfelt feelings again, friends come and go, feelings do too, I just want to be happy vicariously and that is to be happy through someone else's happiness. I find true meaning to life and my own happiness when I can make someone else smile because I provided something that gave them a reason to smile. It truly makes me incredibly happy and fulfilled.
All I know is I want her and I dont want these feelings to get weak, I want to make her understand that she wont hurt and yes, we do need to work on things, but I want to work on them together, not as just friends. I guess that cant happen right now and it hurts to know it. I dont even want to think about it, I just want denial when it comes to that, but that wont help me any so thats a waste of time.
Im still out to prove my worth, wont stop that and I am not going to quit aiming to nail the people who have lied to me, lied to Brooke and have tried to point me out as the bad guy because "I didn't tell people I was fucking Brooke" as Seth said... What a dirtball piece of shit sticking his nose into our business, anyones damn business and for saying it in that way. If anything, he could have just said that I never wanted to tell anyone that we were talking, seing eachother, etc, but no he had to jump into the fine line of details as if anything betwee her and I was any of his business.Fuck him, anymore thinking about him and I am going to seriously drive myself to really hurting him and I dont need the trouble of that snake ass kid.
Man he really gets me fired up.....ah whatever
I dont know about what my parents think though.I know my dad is in wonderland, doesn't hear, think or care really, not that he doesn't care, he just aint in it like my mom. My mom is just like that, always asking "How is Brooke" etc and I gotta lie and say good, or act like we are doing great and I hate it. She doesn't know we arent together, as far as she knew....we were, but then again that's what I once thought too. I mean she told some of her sorority sisters I was her boyfriend, a couple of her friends in the Clearwater area, I just went with it, that's what I wanted and still want. I want her to realize I am going to be there to take care of her when she is sick, when she is fed up, when she just wants to be spoiled and when she needs that one thing we all want so badly, everyone wants love, some choose to accept it and seek it and others brush it off. So I guess pretty soon I am going to just tell her yeah, we are just trying to take things back a step, more so friends now because we didn't get to that in the begining. Basically how the story really is, but I hate that. Just another reality I must live.
I just want to be happy, just want to be happy again....
Christmas might make me, it might break me. I want that experience, that unknown to finally be known and I know who I want show me how it is.
It's a little bit of both of our choices, more so hers because she aint ready and all I can think of is how I hate her ex for making this happen, for making her not really trust or not want to hurt again. I understand why she is cautious and why she wants what she wants, but no girl should have to decide she would rather be careful than to find happiness with someone. So I guess I gotta stay on my game, do my part, give her the time she needs and still be there for her too. I dont know how I am going to do it, it's so hard to be a good guy while her friends are still not my friends, while I know most of them are sneaky, they are snakes and arent honest and I just wish I could prove it, but I cant do it just yet so until then I guess I have to take myself away from her while she is around them. That will be very hard to do.
I want time with her to show her things. I want to show her who I really am, I want to make sure she learns that for herself. I just cant get along with her alot when she is around them. She thought I was jealous the other night while she talked to him. I wasn't, but sometimes I am and it's hard to tell from her point I guess. I cant help but be jealous. I know what I think, and that's that he is a dirtball, yet she cant just give up and leave him as her friend. I know that feeling, my ex did that to me and I dont really wish that on anyone, but I know I dont like him and how he treated her and I think she treats some people too good after what they did to her. I just cant imagine giving some girl the chance to be my slightest friend after she did something really wrong to me, I cant...
So I hope if we are together and within everyone elses presence, that we get along, that I try hard not be be a jealous person because I have always told myself "I'd never be a jealous guy because I know what it does to people", but I have fallen victim more than once just like others. I just know I can treat her wonderful and I want that chance.
So for now, Im out...Enough thinking here, not enough thinking under my covers with my eyes closed.
I wish someone would keep up a daily journal, even a couple days a week........HINT HINT!
BARailey (12:21:40 AM): u really think u wanna keep me around that long
goopster 1 (12:28:11 AM): Yeah I do
goopster 1 (12:29:05 AM): You think you wanna spend that much time around a dork like me?
BARailey (12:29:21 AM): i know i do
hmmmm,those definately made me smile... I miss that
I left the house earlier, just got bored and I needed to get money from the ATM. I got my money, drove around and went towards the Skyway. I was going to go sit out on the water there and just think for a while and enjoy the air, but I forgot you have to cross over the toll or so it appeared, in order to get there to the little rest area. I pulled off the side of the road before the toll cause I didn't have change and I backed up and cut through the middle where there is a little connecting road and then just went back the other wa towards the house. I wanted to go sit and think so I figured I'd still go elsewhere. I drove to the water by the pier. It's amazing how many people sleep outside on the water there. I saw people in sleeping bags, but they didn't appear to be bums, idk what the hell was going on lol, like a festival of sleeping outdoorsman on the water. I did however see bums sleeping, but this was different, idk upperlcass bums? lol
So I turned around when I found a spot because of the people sleeping and headed towards the Vinoy.I parked and sat on the seawall for like 20 minutes. I got uncomfortable, my back hurt sitting there like that not on a bench or a seat, crooked ass back grr... It was nice sitting there on the water and there were plenty of boats docked tonight for some reason. Maybe they are always docked there at night, I'd not know because I am never there at night, but it appeared a bit more packed than normal so maybe there is something going on this weekend.
It was a good time to reflect though, just alot going through my head lately and it never seems to end. I cant go a day without thinking about it once.I always think about it and cant help the feelings that flow. I hate it, I hate feeling lost and out of things. I dont need to feel crappy or depressed, I have been there too much in the last year, and dont need more of that stuff. I wish I could just be happy and look into some girls eyes and know she is happy too. I dont know...I cant help but ponder alot of thoughts and wonder what will happen in the near future. I thought I had something, but again I dont know. It's really unclear right now what I have and I hate what was discussed, it seems like I am being left behind no matter how she says it. I know what I have heard before and before led me into straight heartbreak in a cold manner. I find heartfelt feelings again, friends come and go, feelings do too, I just want to be happy vicariously and that is to be happy through someone else's happiness. I find true meaning to life and my own happiness when I can make someone else smile because I provided something that gave them a reason to smile. It truly makes me incredibly happy and fulfilled.
All I know is I want her and I dont want these feelings to get weak, I want to make her understand that she wont hurt and yes, we do need to work on things, but I want to work on them together, not as just friends. I guess that cant happen right now and it hurts to know it. I dont even want to think about it, I just want denial when it comes to that, but that wont help me any so thats a waste of time.
Im still out to prove my worth, wont stop that and I am not going to quit aiming to nail the people who have lied to me, lied to Brooke and have tried to point me out as the bad guy because "I didn't tell people I was fucking Brooke" as Seth said... What a dirtball piece of shit sticking his nose into our business, anyones damn business and for saying it in that way. If anything, he could have just said that I never wanted to tell anyone that we were talking, seing eachother, etc, but no he had to jump into the fine line of details as if anything betwee her and I was any of his business.Fuck him, anymore thinking about him and I am going to seriously drive myself to really hurting him and I dont need the trouble of that snake ass kid.
Man he really gets me fired up.....ah whatever
I dont know about what my parents think though.I know my dad is in wonderland, doesn't hear, think or care really, not that he doesn't care, he just aint in it like my mom. My mom is just like that, always asking "How is Brooke" etc and I gotta lie and say good, or act like we are doing great and I hate it. She doesn't know we arent together, as far as she knew....we were, but then again that's what I once thought too. I mean she told some of her sorority sisters I was her boyfriend, a couple of her friends in the Clearwater area, I just went with it, that's what I wanted and still want. I want her to realize I am going to be there to take care of her when she is sick, when she is fed up, when she just wants to be spoiled and when she needs that one thing we all want so badly, everyone wants love, some choose to accept it and seek it and others brush it off. So I guess pretty soon I am going to just tell her yeah, we are just trying to take things back a step, more so friends now because we didn't get to that in the begining. Basically how the story really is, but I hate that. Just another reality I must live.
I just want to be happy, just want to be happy again....
Christmas might make me, it might break me. I want that experience, that unknown to finally be known and I know who I want show me how it is.
It's a little bit of both of our choices, more so hers because she aint ready and all I can think of is how I hate her ex for making this happen, for making her not really trust or not want to hurt again. I understand why she is cautious and why she wants what she wants, but no girl should have to decide she would rather be careful than to find happiness with someone. So I guess I gotta stay on my game, do my part, give her the time she needs and still be there for her too. I dont know how I am going to do it, it's so hard to be a good guy while her friends are still not my friends, while I know most of them are sneaky, they are snakes and arent honest and I just wish I could prove it, but I cant do it just yet so until then I guess I have to take myself away from her while she is around them. That will be very hard to do.
I want time with her to show her things. I want to show her who I really am, I want to make sure she learns that for herself. I just cant get along with her alot when she is around them. She thought I was jealous the other night while she talked to him. I wasn't, but sometimes I am and it's hard to tell from her point I guess. I cant help but be jealous. I know what I think, and that's that he is a dirtball, yet she cant just give up and leave him as her friend. I know that feeling, my ex did that to me and I dont really wish that on anyone, but I know I dont like him and how he treated her and I think she treats some people too good after what they did to her. I just cant imagine giving some girl the chance to be my slightest friend after she did something really wrong to me, I cant...
So I hope if we are together and within everyone elses presence, that we get along, that I try hard not be be a jealous person because I have always told myself "I'd never be a jealous guy because I know what it does to people", but I have fallen victim more than once just like others. I just know I can treat her wonderful and I want that chance.
So for now, Im out...Enough thinking here, not enough thinking under my covers with my eyes closed.
I wish someone would keep up a daily journal, even a couple days a week........HINT HINT!