Some thoughts on a few things...
my eyes sting, wtf damnit.
yeah that's how this journal starts, odd right? Oh well, that's thought pattern at work.
Andy was right, his exact quote wont be remembered by me, Im wayyyyy to far behind in the rememberence department, but he basically as I remember it said that it sucks to be a man sometimes and take care of business, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do and it dealt with Laura, I know that is for sure.
I thought of the same thing, yet with Brooke. I dont want to talk to her or call her. I text messaged earlier, that was too far past my own boundaries, but I miss her and I cant help it sometimes, but I feel like I need to be strong enough to ignore that feeling right now. I feel like so 50/50. God to hear her tell me she wants to be single and not tied down just really scares me so bad. I can only picture the worst, other people know it too, they know what she said and damn that pissed me off that she had to say that. I dont know if she thought I'd hear it or maybe I just wouldn't be affected, but I mean she means a good deal to me. When you are an honest caring fool like myself, you get yourself in like a splinter, too deep and too damn soon. I found this out long ago, it's a flaw when this happens, but I love it when things are going well.
I had to hear it from someone else whom was told by Ryan and that kills me. Shit that's 2 people who know, 1 person told by her(for all I know) How many others know? It seems Seth knows already cause he was busy running his mouth and man Im on edge with him now, he is so close to eating the concrete. I fear fighting him because he is already in the shit with me deep enough and to increase it only means I am going to want to just choke him out the next time I see him outside of Round Up or something. I already wanted to punch him out cold for the past 2 month's and I let it slide this whole time, I am proud of myself, but he is up in my business again like it's any of his. He wrote me some bullshit email about how I was stabbing people in the back and I was a pussy because I didn't want to tell people whom didn't need to know shit, about Brooke and I having sex, that's what it said basically, it was not verbatum to what I wrote just now, but it was so close it might as well have been.
It's no one's fuckin business where my dick is and no ones business where or who she sleeps with, fuck that punk kid. He is an inch away fromm getting himself in a bad situation he doesn't want to be in because I aint a big guy by any means and my fights are few and far between, but I dont play when it comes time to close my fist and do what I feel needs to be done. I could be a man and just let it go, but then again, I'd be the only man letting things go against an army of hypocrites. Sometimes some people need the sense knocked into their skull by way of a fist and the ground to understand not to get the nose up my ass anymore. The past 3 months have been people up my ass for info on who I am sleeping with, when and where I was etc, fuck them. I am done with the bullshit and he is going to be lucky if the next time he see's me I dont just walk up to him and ask him what his problem is and just bury my fist so far up his ass he can taste the shit from my knuckles. God it's crazy how furious he has made me and I dont like fighting, but again, some people need to get it once to learn and then they shut their fuckin mouth.
I already told him I'd bury him 10 feet under with all of the bullshit he has spewed recently and I can and will. I will make him miserable and he doesn't know it yet, but he already wishes he hadn't ran off at the mouth today. Normally his petty bullshit would have just been water off my back, but his involved sensitive business and all of which is none of his. He crossed the line again, again is already too many times for me.
Whatever, I'll cool off later, but I am female in every sense of the way that I remember and can hold a grudge for years on end. Women dont forget shit and that typically means they dont forgive either.If they do, it's not easily done and this chump aint winning one over on me and I aint going to let things just slide away like things are cool. I can understand him though, he wanted to fuck Brooke, why wouldn't he think I am a chump or whatever? He is jealous in every unmistakable way known to man, good for him...
So back to her, God it's impossible to get her off my mind and yet I dont and cant have her, she doesn't even want me like she did before, like I thought she did. God I screwed myself again, I cant believe I did this.I have a chance this time, another chance unlike last time, but man it feels so shady. I dont know alot anymore, what should I do with this money I am saving? I had planned on things going well enough to feel good enough to buy something for her, this one thing and now I think if I did it and we are only friends like we are now at that time during Christmas, it's not going to be the same, it will be a waste if anything, it wont hold the same meaning and I dont know. I dont really care about the money so much, it's not like I did last time, it's not a huge amount and even if it was, some bone in my body told me she was worth it and when I lay next to her I know it's worth it, that she is worth every single penny I spend.
When she smiles I melt and man I sound so sap ass. I just do though, that one thing she used to do, whether she will anymore idk, but when I look at her dancing and she just gives me this" bleh stop looking at me while I am dancing" kind of look and then she smiles I am just like complete, God I miss that, it's the best thing ever. She does something to me and it feels great. I hate the fighting and I keep fighting because I am a fighter, I fight for what I believe in and what is right to me which will in time only screw me over so I have to learn to diffrenciate between the two, the other is life. Whether to argue my point or hold it back and say I am sorry. Life and her, the two things I cant yet balance all the time and damn it's hard.
When you are single you'd just rather be arguing your ass off and unhappy sometimes to find that little bit of happiness and once you get there you realize why it felt good to be single and why feeling alone never really was that bad before. You get confused once in and then it's like all these hard feelings come and that rock, that famous rock sits in your stomach, man that's a hard rock too. I know that gut wrenching sick feeling too well and one day, that will end up killing me I am sure. I had heartburn really bad from depression already and to get that means you aint doin so hot, ulcers follow pretty easily and I am nowhere near that, but I dont want to be either.
Here is my sap, pour it all out and let it go and just cry shit... No crying, just release for now, I cried enough a week ago, I dont need that hurt again for a long time, Im not ready to find it again, not yet.
I never even got to my point really. I thought we were together for a while, for a month anyway and maybe denial played that factoring role or I just thought nah, she doesn't want to yet, but I'll treat her so good she will change her mind, that I'll inpact her enough and well I did, but not in a positive way.I suck, and I am sorry.
I have another chance though, sometime my ex never gave me. Tonight I realized something, idk what exactly, but I know I had no want to save her pictures. I used to do that with every good picture I saw, maybe to recapture good memories with her all too familiar beautiful smile, Im just confused and dont know why at all. I just saw some new pics of her(her boyfriend has such a fake ass queer smile too, wtf) and I didn't even want to save one of them, I didn't. There is no reason too. She is long gone and I wanted to say I was over her for a long time and in so many ways I was, but I of course still thought about her which everyone who is human and who cares about others will do, but I kept collecting her pictures even though damn I look at them and say man we had some good times and ya know I really miss that girl, she was my everything and she completed me for the first time, maybe that's why it's so hard for me or was. I am glad there was no thought of wanting to right click save as.I kept alot of pics because she always made me happy when she was happy, to see someone smile makes you smile and I got happiness from it and good memories back and I love my memories even the bad ones because they arent going to just disapear so I deal with them.
Idk, I just miss Brooke and I dont need to talk to her yet, I feel that I am being pushy because I learned the hard way before. I gave a couple days and talked, she was still not ready, a week and not ready, a couple weeks of just hi and how are things yada yada bullshit chatter and she said I am still not ready so I decided she was never going to be. I just need to not ju,p on this opportunity and I need to let things flow how they should. I'll talk to her soon. Everywhere I look I see a girl and just look at her and see the things I cant have right now. Being lonely is shitty and I wouldn't take it back for the world if it meant being single for month's and month's like I was and not caring for anyone. I'd rather be sad and sappy without her as mine as long as I had a few good memories with her and I did. I dont want them to end, I just want more so here it is....To more good times with you, a happy time or two and to enjoying that special someone while sharing those great moments no one can take from you.
Off that subject before I dry up like a prune or something. My cousin Carl is coming back to the area, it's been a while. I saw him the day Amanda and I ended it or should I say she ended me. He left like the next day actually. I miss him, he is my boy, my partner in crime and it sucks he is the way he is right now. I think St.Pete/Clearwater with us will be a good thing. I wish he would just move because I do believe these new things, new people, new girls and new experiences will totally help him and I wont have to worry anymore about tattooing his name on me as a memorial. I dont need to do that, I'd rather stay away from the ink for life before I did that. I'd rather remember you in person, not spirit and ink Carl,Keep moving on, life is a journey, just be happy and try to enjoy your life, please dont be stupid and do something I will regret the rest of my life. Dont make me attend another funeral but this time for someone so much closer. Just hang in , be strong.
He is coming with my uncle, his dad Carl, yes two of them. Carl Sr and Jr, both gonna be drag racing in the area on like November 13th to the 17th or something. I am glad he will be here. I am getting asked by his ex Kacie to get him to invite her, I'd love to see her and just talk about things, things with him and idk, we could really connect about alot, she is down to Earth. I'd be glad to share the emotional "im a whiny bitch' time lol, yeah well it'd be good for me. I dunno if he wants her here, I just dont know, hopefully he does and I hope she comes here to visit with them, that'd be fun.Round Up maybe? I told him I'd take him and we'd go get drunk and have fun together and line dance and just be stupid because it's been far too long.
Ok so enough emotions tonight, Im tired and need to bed it. I'm going to ignore my first instinct tonight, being strong now will make later easier. I can only grow stronger and hold out much easier with time and time is what she needs so it's a good thing to not want to talk all the time.
oh yeah, Happy birthday Rob Van Winkle aka Vanilla Ice..... Octobher 31st 1968, another useless piece of info only I'd know.
night
Chris...
yeah that's how this journal starts, odd right? Oh well, that's thought pattern at work.
Andy was right, his exact quote wont be remembered by me, Im wayyyyy to far behind in the rememberence department, but he basically as I remember it said that it sucks to be a man sometimes and take care of business, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do and it dealt with Laura, I know that is for sure.
I thought of the same thing, yet with Brooke. I dont want to talk to her or call her. I text messaged earlier, that was too far past my own boundaries, but I miss her and I cant help it sometimes, but I feel like I need to be strong enough to ignore that feeling right now. I feel like so 50/50. God to hear her tell me she wants to be single and not tied down just really scares me so bad. I can only picture the worst, other people know it too, they know what she said and damn that pissed me off that she had to say that. I dont know if she thought I'd hear it or maybe I just wouldn't be affected, but I mean she means a good deal to me. When you are an honest caring fool like myself, you get yourself in like a splinter, too deep and too damn soon. I found this out long ago, it's a flaw when this happens, but I love it when things are going well.
I had to hear it from someone else whom was told by Ryan and that kills me. Shit that's 2 people who know, 1 person told by her(for all I know) How many others know? It seems Seth knows already cause he was busy running his mouth and man Im on edge with him now, he is so close to eating the concrete. I fear fighting him because he is already in the shit with me deep enough and to increase it only means I am going to want to just choke him out the next time I see him outside of Round Up or something. I already wanted to punch him out cold for the past 2 month's and I let it slide this whole time, I am proud of myself, but he is up in my business again like it's any of his. He wrote me some bullshit email about how I was stabbing people in the back and I was a pussy because I didn't want to tell people whom didn't need to know shit, about Brooke and I having sex, that's what it said basically, it was not verbatum to what I wrote just now, but it was so close it might as well have been.
It's no one's fuckin business where my dick is and no ones business where or who she sleeps with, fuck that punk kid. He is an inch away fromm getting himself in a bad situation he doesn't want to be in because I aint a big guy by any means and my fights are few and far between, but I dont play when it comes time to close my fist and do what I feel needs to be done. I could be a man and just let it go, but then again, I'd be the only man letting things go against an army of hypocrites. Sometimes some people need the sense knocked into their skull by way of a fist and the ground to understand not to get the nose up my ass anymore. The past 3 months have been people up my ass for info on who I am sleeping with, when and where I was etc, fuck them. I am done with the bullshit and he is going to be lucky if the next time he see's me I dont just walk up to him and ask him what his problem is and just bury my fist so far up his ass he can taste the shit from my knuckles. God it's crazy how furious he has made me and I dont like fighting, but again, some people need to get it once to learn and then they shut their fuckin mouth.
I already told him I'd bury him 10 feet under with all of the bullshit he has spewed recently and I can and will. I will make him miserable and he doesn't know it yet, but he already wishes he hadn't ran off at the mouth today. Normally his petty bullshit would have just been water off my back, but his involved sensitive business and all of which is none of his. He crossed the line again, again is already too many times for me.
Whatever, I'll cool off later, but I am female in every sense of the way that I remember and can hold a grudge for years on end. Women dont forget shit and that typically means they dont forgive either.If they do, it's not easily done and this chump aint winning one over on me and I aint going to let things just slide away like things are cool. I can understand him though, he wanted to fuck Brooke, why wouldn't he think I am a chump or whatever? He is jealous in every unmistakable way known to man, good for him...
So back to her, God it's impossible to get her off my mind and yet I dont and cant have her, she doesn't even want me like she did before, like I thought she did. God I screwed myself again, I cant believe I did this.I have a chance this time, another chance unlike last time, but man it feels so shady. I dont know alot anymore, what should I do with this money I am saving? I had planned on things going well enough to feel good enough to buy something for her, this one thing and now I think if I did it and we are only friends like we are now at that time during Christmas, it's not going to be the same, it will be a waste if anything, it wont hold the same meaning and I dont know. I dont really care about the money so much, it's not like I did last time, it's not a huge amount and even if it was, some bone in my body told me she was worth it and when I lay next to her I know it's worth it, that she is worth every single penny I spend.
When she smiles I melt and man I sound so sap ass. I just do though, that one thing she used to do, whether she will anymore idk, but when I look at her dancing and she just gives me this" bleh stop looking at me while I am dancing" kind of look and then she smiles I am just like complete, God I miss that, it's the best thing ever. She does something to me and it feels great. I hate the fighting and I keep fighting because I am a fighter, I fight for what I believe in and what is right to me which will in time only screw me over so I have to learn to diffrenciate between the two, the other is life. Whether to argue my point or hold it back and say I am sorry. Life and her, the two things I cant yet balance all the time and damn it's hard.
When you are single you'd just rather be arguing your ass off and unhappy sometimes to find that little bit of happiness and once you get there you realize why it felt good to be single and why feeling alone never really was that bad before. You get confused once in and then it's like all these hard feelings come and that rock, that famous rock sits in your stomach, man that's a hard rock too. I know that gut wrenching sick feeling too well and one day, that will end up killing me I am sure. I had heartburn really bad from depression already and to get that means you aint doin so hot, ulcers follow pretty easily and I am nowhere near that, but I dont want to be either.
Here is my sap, pour it all out and let it go and just cry shit... No crying, just release for now, I cried enough a week ago, I dont need that hurt again for a long time, Im not ready to find it again, not yet.
I never even got to my point really. I thought we were together for a while, for a month anyway and maybe denial played that factoring role or I just thought nah, she doesn't want to yet, but I'll treat her so good she will change her mind, that I'll inpact her enough and well I did, but not in a positive way.I suck, and I am sorry.
I have another chance though, sometime my ex never gave me. Tonight I realized something, idk what exactly, but I know I had no want to save her pictures. I used to do that with every good picture I saw, maybe to recapture good memories with her all too familiar beautiful smile, Im just confused and dont know why at all. I just saw some new pics of her(her boyfriend has such a fake ass queer smile too, wtf) and I didn't even want to save one of them, I didn't. There is no reason too. She is long gone and I wanted to say I was over her for a long time and in so many ways I was, but I of course still thought about her which everyone who is human and who cares about others will do, but I kept collecting her pictures even though damn I look at them and say man we had some good times and ya know I really miss that girl, she was my everything and she completed me for the first time, maybe that's why it's so hard for me or was. I am glad there was no thought of wanting to right click save as.I kept alot of pics because she always made me happy when she was happy, to see someone smile makes you smile and I got happiness from it and good memories back and I love my memories even the bad ones because they arent going to just disapear so I deal with them.
Idk, I just miss Brooke and I dont need to talk to her yet, I feel that I am being pushy because I learned the hard way before. I gave a couple days and talked, she was still not ready, a week and not ready, a couple weeks of just hi and how are things yada yada bullshit chatter and she said I am still not ready so I decided she was never going to be. I just need to not ju,p on this opportunity and I need to let things flow how they should. I'll talk to her soon. Everywhere I look I see a girl and just look at her and see the things I cant have right now. Being lonely is shitty and I wouldn't take it back for the world if it meant being single for month's and month's like I was and not caring for anyone. I'd rather be sad and sappy without her as mine as long as I had a few good memories with her and I did. I dont want them to end, I just want more so here it is....To more good times with you, a happy time or two and to enjoying that special someone while sharing those great moments no one can take from you.
Off that subject before I dry up like a prune or something. My cousin Carl is coming back to the area, it's been a while. I saw him the day Amanda and I ended it or should I say she ended me. He left like the next day actually. I miss him, he is my boy, my partner in crime and it sucks he is the way he is right now. I think St.Pete/Clearwater with us will be a good thing. I wish he would just move because I do believe these new things, new people, new girls and new experiences will totally help him and I wont have to worry anymore about tattooing his name on me as a memorial. I dont need to do that, I'd rather stay away from the ink for life before I did that. I'd rather remember you in person, not spirit and ink Carl,Keep moving on, life is a journey, just be happy and try to enjoy your life, please dont be stupid and do something I will regret the rest of my life. Dont make me attend another funeral but this time for someone so much closer. Just hang in , be strong.
He is coming with my uncle, his dad Carl, yes two of them. Carl Sr and Jr, both gonna be drag racing in the area on like November 13th to the 17th or something. I am glad he will be here. I am getting asked by his ex Kacie to get him to invite her, I'd love to see her and just talk about things, things with him and idk, we could really connect about alot, she is down to Earth. I'd be glad to share the emotional "im a whiny bitch' time lol, yeah well it'd be good for me. I dunno if he wants her here, I just dont know, hopefully he does and I hope she comes here to visit with them, that'd be fun.Round Up maybe? I told him I'd take him and we'd go get drunk and have fun together and line dance and just be stupid because it's been far too long.
Ok so enough emotions tonight, Im tired and need to bed it. I'm going to ignore my first instinct tonight, being strong now will make later easier. I can only grow stronger and hold out much easier with time and time is what she needs so it's a good thing to not want to talk all the time.
oh yeah, Happy birthday Rob Van Winkle aka Vanilla Ice..... Octobher 31st 1968, another useless piece of info only I'd know.
night
Chris...