I just dont know what to do anymore
I thought I was going to be so happy, now I am just happy when Im alone. I am not even happy then. I am happy here and there and maybe here, but not when I should be. I was told I'd not lose her, yet it seems that's already occured. I tell her I dont want to lose her, and she doesn't even understand what I mean. She tells me I wont lose her, yet I already did. I wont lose her friendship is what she means, to me that seems to be some easy answer without saying "We cant be together because I am scared to be treated the right way" but I'll always be your friend, and remind you of what you miss and show so much emotion for as well as what you cant ever have.
That's how it seems. She tells me friends is better right now and why is it that everytime I try to spark a relationship that the girl wants to just be friends, things moved to fast or well it's just not gonna work because I am not ready. I cant find a girl who wants to be treated good. They all say they do, but it seems like such bullshit to me. I know I'd treat her better than any boyfriend before and that wouldn't be hard really, but I just know that even if it was hard and there were tons of great guys before, that I would still treat her perfect. We'd fight like anyone else and hate eachother for a while just like everyone in this world, then make up and be back to our old selves again. I'd do anything for that girl who can promise me she is mine and of course I'd have to feel a certain way for her, but if I wanted her to be with me then obviously I'd feel pretty strongly towards her.
I do here in this case and yet all I can picture this amounting to is wasting my time and maybe even some money down the road. I dont know anymore, Im scared of what I dont even have and I am down in the dumps. I cant hide it, it's no use trying to be fake because I suck at it and if I was a good liar I'd not come close to lying to her.Something was obviously wrong with me last night on the way home, but I didn't want to talk about it because I knew we'd argue and that's a definate I know that for sure. We'd have been pissed all because I would have wanted something she cant give or doesn't want to. I dont feel selfish either, I feel like I am using myself here, I dont even know how to explain how I feel really.
Sunday we fucking had it out big time, Saturday night actually and Sunday was a little less shitty.We get back into things and I cry my eyes out thinking they will get better, she is there for me like I wanted her to be and I was happy. I was really happy she came over to be with me, or was it just to sleep next to 98.6 degree's of heat? I heard the same thing I am hearing now and a week ago(little less than a week) we have sex and yet we agree'd on the "friends" thing and I cant say I didn't make the first move because I did and I admit it, but we have needs as people and sometimes that's one of them no matter how you try to slice it, but anyway we did that and amidst having agree'd to be "friends" and she said she'd still kiss me and we could still do all that and now it seems like when I feel emotion towards her I am getting shot down, she is holding back for whatever reason. I hate that, it's like last night I wanted a kiss and she kept being all pouty for some food. I dont care about food, I wanted a kiss and I guess it was too much to ask until she figured out food wasn't going to happen until she left Round Up and when I asked again. It sucks to feel so played and strung along. You want to believe you werent because this girl seems good(like they all seem) and yet you feel like you wasted so much emotion you should have never shown, like if you had just been an asshole from the start this would have never happened or if you just ignored her, she'd never look twice.
I just feel like this is already gone, it's all wasted and we are both just going to be friends and nothing more.She will probably wind up with Ryan again someday because of old feelings and the dulling of what happened which I think is bullshit if that were to ever happen, but it happens all the time. The guys who shit on people get the best things in life, true fact... I the nice guy get walked on, trampled and ran over until I become the asshole I dont know how to be.I'd be fake, not me and I cant do that just to fulfill my emotional needs and want to be with someone. She might not wind up with him, maybe just someone else, some other asshole to hit her or something. I just cant understand girls anymore, they always seem to run back to what hurt them the most and it's like what I saw on VH1 when I was watching "Breaking Bonaducci" He said something like " I thought our marriage was alot of great times seasoned with occasional unhappiness, but it was really an unhappy marriage seasoned with occasional great times" I say that because I realized something when Brooke is here in Clearwater/St.Pete around me and all of her friends and then when she is 136 miles away in Ft.Myers and I am visiting her.
I came to the conclusion after a few weeks of looking at it and seing if I was thinking right and I believe this is true, that when Brooke is down in Ft.Myers, she may have less to do, less people to see and she might say she hates it there and maybe she really does hate it with all her heart, but We have had from what I see and can have , better times there "alone" with no other friends from Clearwater/St.Pete and when she is here for the weekend, we always seem to argue over stupid shit constantly and we hate eachother for the whole weekend, make up when it doesn't mean shit and make one difference(during the week when we cant be together) and then we go back to seing eachother another weekend and wishing we were never around eachother.
I have realized that when she is here, everyone surrounds her with drama, her every single weekend here is drama filled by at least one person. Audrey, Ryan, Seth, Chris, whomever....It's whomever at any given weekend, but it always seems she has a decent time and then someone brings something stupid up and then she gets into it, I do and then we are arguing too and we fuck anything god we had that weekend, up right then just that quick.Ryan got pissy last night because I wanted to dance with Brooke, seemed like she didn't want to dance with me anyway, friends can be close to eachother right? Maybe I should have just went to Winghouse and or stayed home because I felt alone last night doing all of the things that used to make me happy to be there. I am lucky to have Jimmy as such a good friend and I thank him for a good time, he is a cool guy and thank God he understand that I am right about the group. They are all drama, they all fuck eachother over and they have no clue yet. One day they will figure it out, one day.
But last night I just felt like she was pushing me away from her, idk should I stop drinking? Was it because I was drinking? I thought that might have been a reason, idk how she feels about me drinking, but then again we arent together as she makes so damn clear whenever I am around someone, it bothers me, it's like she says it in a way like she'd never want to be with me, it just sucks to hear her say that stuff. I feel like the last 2 month's I was just playing with my own head. At first she wanted "something" and I will say she wanted a few things, sex (as everyone does at one point or another) a guy to hold her and lay next to her, and someone to take her mind off of her ex. I filled that spot and then
I started getting feelings for her, 2 weeks in a row, like every singl damn night we were together either watching movies on the couch while being really close or just eating pizza together and it felt nice. She started to get feelings(as least I saw that she did, maybe she didn't,I honestly dont know what to think about anything or anyone anymore, I am really confused) We took it farther, she wanted me to come to Ft.Myers with her to move her in and help her out, I did and it was cool, I spent time with her parents and soon after they thought we were together, it was like if everyone else thinks we are, why dont we just try it?
I just think that girls try to get with alot of guys to get over their ex's really quick and that shit never works and if it does work, you still used the guy if he cares about you. Now I dont know if she did, but that's how it always feels and this aint the first time I have felt it. I dont go running to some girl looking to cure my sorrow by way of some other girl, that's like screwing with someones real emotions when you are just trying to have a better time after your shitty breakup, idk I just see that shit all the time, it's damn sure true. Girls do it like clockwork, not all, but there are some that just break up and get out of a 3 year relationship and a month later they bang some other guy to feel better. Take your sorrow, get depressed and cry alot, that's what I did, you wouldn't catch me banging some girl to feel good about myself now, to get over someone.
I just dont know anymore, it's really hard to understand myself now with crazy thoughts, tons of thoughts at that. I know what I want and that's just to treat Brooke good, I want to show her that I am better than what she has had before, I want to be able to share things with her that she has never experienced and I would get the same in return just being with her I know I would. Looks like my Christmas is going to be lonely now, idk yet. I cant expect her to just jump into my arms come that time, she seemed like she was going to be weak this past week when she came over, like she was really just upset earlier on Sunday and then she realized she couldn't do exactly what she said, but now it seems really clear that she means it all to a T and she is sticking to it. Girls are good at that and I should have learned, when they say something, it goes and that's why I love R Kelly's song "when a womans fed up" because I understand it and have seen it before, that's how my last relationship ended. She was done and I watched it, I could sway that oppinion if I gave her a ten dollar bill for everytime I sneezed in this lifetime. She was still set in her ways, not going to sway at all, not one to change her mind, too set to budge and it hurt. I am forgiving and that really doesn't mean anything actually, I just know that I felt like I deserved another chance because every last I love you I told that girl was from the heart and I felt like she was my world, I lived to see her every chance I could and that to me is true love. She up and dropped me like it was so easily done. She didn't cry for 2 whole days or so she said in her journal anyway. She said it finally hit her and she broke down after all the tension came to a hault and she realized she really did hurt me and that I truly cared for her.
I just dont want that happening to me again and it wont happen in that manner, there is no I love you here and damn it came quick last time, but I am being hypocritical to my own words. There is no quick, too fast, it's too early or anything like that in love, there is only love. It's love no matter who see's it the way you do and that's because they cant ever see it how you do.You are the only one who knows love in your body, your mind, your soul. You feel it, no one can take it or say different. I learned this through my mom, man I had the best 2 month's with my mom from Janurary to March, she and I were great and because I finally found happiness and she saw it in my eyes, she saw how I was and how shitty I felt when I lost it all, she was scared for me, wasn't sure if I was going to do something stupid and maybe hurt myself, that's how messed up I was to her, but I wasn't prepared to be that stupid over something like that. I like my life enough to know that the debtors can haul me off to jail and things will be ok, I'll have food, water and clothing for free, I wont have to work much and I'll still be alive. I guess no matter what you do in this lifetime whether it's sit in prison, mop floors for a living or constantly get your heart broken, this lifetime is always going to be better than that of the life you live while your 6 feet under this soil I walk. It's not worth doing something stupid like that.
But my mom asked me if I was in love with her when I bought that jewelry and at the time I said I dont know, I know I like her alot and that this is a gamble, my money could just be spent and wasted and I didn't really want to look at it that way anymore. I was happy, truly happy to buy that stuff for her, sorry to put myself in debt for how many month's to come? I am still paying that shit off.... My mom said that's fine, I cant tell you that you dont love her and I know that when I met your dad I was in love right then, that's how I know that my parents have my back no matter what.That talk hit me in such a good way, made me feel great to be me and we had an excellent two month's this year. Cant say the rest has been shitty, but we have had our days since then I know that.
Well this went from one topic to another quickly, usually does, my brain is on a rambling path today, idk just alot on my plate. I do know a few things and I know I want to be with Brooke, but it seems so far away, she seems so distant to me now and it really hurts me inside. I dont know what to do. I could just not come around much, I'd probably be looked at like I was a jerk or something, girls never understand guys and we never understand them either. I could avoid her and try to make myself happy without her, that'd probly be the best bet.If I am near her I am longing to hold her and feel like we are more than just "friends" because friends dont have sex on Sunday and come Friday hardly speak to eachother. She catches my eye so easily though, the subtle things she does just mean alot and make me happy, she has no clue, well didn't until now. She smiled last night while dancing, she makes this goofy face that's funny, and it makes me feel good because she looks like she is truly happy. Rare moments like that just make me feel good to be around, then I get jealous, sometimes she wants to hang out with people I truly dispise now and for good reason, she cant see why I do no matter what and probably wont, but at least I got to talk to two people last night about it. Doug and Jimmy are both good guys, Doug understood that I was just being normal about it, not wanting to involve myself with that bullshit kiddy drama anymore that all of those guys have.
Jimmy realized this too thank God, I was feeling like the only person whom I always talked to, my good friend Brooke was just siding with them because she had known them a while or like Chris apologized or some retarded shit, of course he'd apologize, he'd tried to have sex with her if he had the chance and by chance I mean if she was drunk and no one was around he'd be all over her, he doesn't care about Ryan at all, he fucked my boy Andy over complately. Didn't tell Andy he screwed Steph when they broke up and well they were broke up, but come on it was only a couple weeks to a month, shit a year aint sufficient for me because first off, he never asked to "see" her or date her, or even to just have sexual relations with her so it's fucked up he'd go behind Andy's back and do something that would make him totally pissed and jealous. That's just scandelous shit and frankly Ryan aint thrilled me too much yet either. I cant believe he'd do that to a girl, same with Chris doing that to my boy and or any girl because that mother fucker cheats on girls like there is no tomorrow and I cant stand nosy mother fuckers who are hypocrites too. "Oh your business is your business and mine is mine" Oh really? New rule in effect just yesterday or what? I could have sworn all those nights for like 2-3 weeks maybe longer that Brooke and I hung out whether at her house, McDonalds or whatever/wherever, he was calling to find out what I ws doing, what she was doing adn when she'd be home or this and that. I could tell instantly he was be a nosy bitch. Shit Seth even got in on it and was his little watch dog, relaying info back and forth, that's just bullshit and that's one good Reason Seth has been on my shitlist for a while now, not just recently.
That mother fucker just stopped talking to me a whole like week or two ago and for the reaons of "his friends" not because we had beef recently, he just up and decided he'd not like me anymore because everyone else didn't like me because they are all their own worst enemies and hypocrites, fuck them all.
I dont care to hang out with one of them anymore. I am glad I made peace or whatever it was with Andy last night, I shouldn't say peace because we were never in war like the rest of the gang and I, but I thought he might have been a bit mad at me, we are good though thank God and we talked a bit and shook hands. I am glad I still have some friends left that treat me like a friend. I am a loner if I needto be though so losing all of them would suck, but it would be possible to carry on with my daily life and I'd not notice after a while. People would think I was crazy, but I am just mentally strong enough to say when I am done with you(much like "when a women makes her final decision" she means it) I am done with you. ya know?
ah oh well, this journal is huge, it's been helpful and I am cutting it here, gotta get dressed and lay out my haloween costume. I have a $ 1500 dollar Haloween costume for Bobby and Katies party tonigt haha. I am going to be what I overlooked this whole time, I almost bought something! I was crazy to almost buy something when I can put ony my bunker gear next to my damn bed. I got my firefighter costume already mad and ready to go! lol I'll be the only mother fucker with it guarenteed and I'll look damn good representing for St.Petersburg Fire haha, it even has Pearl across the back of the jacket, woot wooooot!
until the next confusing life drama
Chris...
That's how it seems. She tells me friends is better right now and why is it that everytime I try to spark a relationship that the girl wants to just be friends, things moved to fast or well it's just not gonna work because I am not ready. I cant find a girl who wants to be treated good. They all say they do, but it seems like such bullshit to me. I know I'd treat her better than any boyfriend before and that wouldn't be hard really, but I just know that even if it was hard and there were tons of great guys before, that I would still treat her perfect. We'd fight like anyone else and hate eachother for a while just like everyone in this world, then make up and be back to our old selves again. I'd do anything for that girl who can promise me she is mine and of course I'd have to feel a certain way for her, but if I wanted her to be with me then obviously I'd feel pretty strongly towards her.
I do here in this case and yet all I can picture this amounting to is wasting my time and maybe even some money down the road. I dont know anymore, Im scared of what I dont even have and I am down in the dumps. I cant hide it, it's no use trying to be fake because I suck at it and if I was a good liar I'd not come close to lying to her.Something was obviously wrong with me last night on the way home, but I didn't want to talk about it because I knew we'd argue and that's a definate I know that for sure. We'd have been pissed all because I would have wanted something she cant give or doesn't want to. I dont feel selfish either, I feel like I am using myself here, I dont even know how to explain how I feel really.
Sunday we fucking had it out big time, Saturday night actually and Sunday was a little less shitty.We get back into things and I cry my eyes out thinking they will get better, she is there for me like I wanted her to be and I was happy. I was really happy she came over to be with me, or was it just to sleep next to 98.6 degree's of heat? I heard the same thing I am hearing now and a week ago(little less than a week) we have sex and yet we agree'd on the "friends" thing and I cant say I didn't make the first move because I did and I admit it, but we have needs as people and sometimes that's one of them no matter how you try to slice it, but anyway we did that and amidst having agree'd to be "friends" and she said she'd still kiss me and we could still do all that and now it seems like when I feel emotion towards her I am getting shot down, she is holding back for whatever reason. I hate that, it's like last night I wanted a kiss and she kept being all pouty for some food. I dont care about food, I wanted a kiss and I guess it was too much to ask until she figured out food wasn't going to happen until she left Round Up and when I asked again. It sucks to feel so played and strung along. You want to believe you werent because this girl seems good(like they all seem) and yet you feel like you wasted so much emotion you should have never shown, like if you had just been an asshole from the start this would have never happened or if you just ignored her, she'd never look twice.
I just feel like this is already gone, it's all wasted and we are both just going to be friends and nothing more.She will probably wind up with Ryan again someday because of old feelings and the dulling of what happened which I think is bullshit if that were to ever happen, but it happens all the time. The guys who shit on people get the best things in life, true fact... I the nice guy get walked on, trampled and ran over until I become the asshole I dont know how to be.I'd be fake, not me and I cant do that just to fulfill my emotional needs and want to be with someone. She might not wind up with him, maybe just someone else, some other asshole to hit her or something. I just cant understand girls anymore, they always seem to run back to what hurt them the most and it's like what I saw on VH1 when I was watching "Breaking Bonaducci" He said something like " I thought our marriage was alot of great times seasoned with occasional unhappiness, but it was really an unhappy marriage seasoned with occasional great times" I say that because I realized something when Brooke is here in Clearwater/St.Pete around me and all of her friends and then when she is 136 miles away in Ft.Myers and I am visiting her.
I came to the conclusion after a few weeks of looking at it and seing if I was thinking right and I believe this is true, that when Brooke is down in Ft.Myers, she may have less to do, less people to see and she might say she hates it there and maybe she really does hate it with all her heart, but We have had from what I see and can have , better times there "alone" with no other friends from Clearwater/St.Pete and when she is here for the weekend, we always seem to argue over stupid shit constantly and we hate eachother for the whole weekend, make up when it doesn't mean shit and make one difference(during the week when we cant be together) and then we go back to seing eachother another weekend and wishing we were never around eachother.
I have realized that when she is here, everyone surrounds her with drama, her every single weekend here is drama filled by at least one person. Audrey, Ryan, Seth, Chris, whomever....It's whomever at any given weekend, but it always seems she has a decent time and then someone brings something stupid up and then she gets into it, I do and then we are arguing too and we fuck anything god we had that weekend, up right then just that quick.Ryan got pissy last night because I wanted to dance with Brooke, seemed like she didn't want to dance with me anyway, friends can be close to eachother right? Maybe I should have just went to Winghouse and or stayed home because I felt alone last night doing all of the things that used to make me happy to be there. I am lucky to have Jimmy as such a good friend and I thank him for a good time, he is a cool guy and thank God he understand that I am right about the group. They are all drama, they all fuck eachother over and they have no clue yet. One day they will figure it out, one day.
But last night I just felt like she was pushing me away from her, idk should I stop drinking? Was it because I was drinking? I thought that might have been a reason, idk how she feels about me drinking, but then again we arent together as she makes so damn clear whenever I am around someone, it bothers me, it's like she says it in a way like she'd never want to be with me, it just sucks to hear her say that stuff. I feel like the last 2 month's I was just playing with my own head. At first she wanted "something" and I will say she wanted a few things, sex (as everyone does at one point or another) a guy to hold her and lay next to her, and someone to take her mind off of her ex. I filled that spot and then
I started getting feelings for her, 2 weeks in a row, like every singl damn night we were together either watching movies on the couch while being really close or just eating pizza together and it felt nice. She started to get feelings(as least I saw that she did, maybe she didn't,I honestly dont know what to think about anything or anyone anymore, I am really confused) We took it farther, she wanted me to come to Ft.Myers with her to move her in and help her out, I did and it was cool, I spent time with her parents and soon after they thought we were together, it was like if everyone else thinks we are, why dont we just try it?
I just think that girls try to get with alot of guys to get over their ex's really quick and that shit never works and if it does work, you still used the guy if he cares about you. Now I dont know if she did, but that's how it always feels and this aint the first time I have felt it. I dont go running to some girl looking to cure my sorrow by way of some other girl, that's like screwing with someones real emotions when you are just trying to have a better time after your shitty breakup, idk I just see that shit all the time, it's damn sure true. Girls do it like clockwork, not all, but there are some that just break up and get out of a 3 year relationship and a month later they bang some other guy to feel better. Take your sorrow, get depressed and cry alot, that's what I did, you wouldn't catch me banging some girl to feel good about myself now, to get over someone.
I just dont know anymore, it's really hard to understand myself now with crazy thoughts, tons of thoughts at that. I know what I want and that's just to treat Brooke good, I want to show her that I am better than what she has had before, I want to be able to share things with her that she has never experienced and I would get the same in return just being with her I know I would. Looks like my Christmas is going to be lonely now, idk yet. I cant expect her to just jump into my arms come that time, she seemed like she was going to be weak this past week when she came over, like she was really just upset earlier on Sunday and then she realized she couldn't do exactly what she said, but now it seems really clear that she means it all to a T and she is sticking to it. Girls are good at that and I should have learned, when they say something, it goes and that's why I love R Kelly's song "when a womans fed up" because I understand it and have seen it before, that's how my last relationship ended. She was done and I watched it, I could sway that oppinion if I gave her a ten dollar bill for everytime I sneezed in this lifetime. She was still set in her ways, not going to sway at all, not one to change her mind, too set to budge and it hurt. I am forgiving and that really doesn't mean anything actually, I just know that I felt like I deserved another chance because every last I love you I told that girl was from the heart and I felt like she was my world, I lived to see her every chance I could and that to me is true love. She up and dropped me like it was so easily done. She didn't cry for 2 whole days or so she said in her journal anyway. She said it finally hit her and she broke down after all the tension came to a hault and she realized she really did hurt me and that I truly cared for her.
I just dont want that happening to me again and it wont happen in that manner, there is no I love you here and damn it came quick last time, but I am being hypocritical to my own words. There is no quick, too fast, it's too early or anything like that in love, there is only love. It's love no matter who see's it the way you do and that's because they cant ever see it how you do.You are the only one who knows love in your body, your mind, your soul. You feel it, no one can take it or say different. I learned this through my mom, man I had the best 2 month's with my mom from Janurary to March, she and I were great and because I finally found happiness and she saw it in my eyes, she saw how I was and how shitty I felt when I lost it all, she was scared for me, wasn't sure if I was going to do something stupid and maybe hurt myself, that's how messed up I was to her, but I wasn't prepared to be that stupid over something like that. I like my life enough to know that the debtors can haul me off to jail and things will be ok, I'll have food, water and clothing for free, I wont have to work much and I'll still be alive. I guess no matter what you do in this lifetime whether it's sit in prison, mop floors for a living or constantly get your heart broken, this lifetime is always going to be better than that of the life you live while your 6 feet under this soil I walk. It's not worth doing something stupid like that.
But my mom asked me if I was in love with her when I bought that jewelry and at the time I said I dont know, I know I like her alot and that this is a gamble, my money could just be spent and wasted and I didn't really want to look at it that way anymore. I was happy, truly happy to buy that stuff for her, sorry to put myself in debt for how many month's to come? I am still paying that shit off.... My mom said that's fine, I cant tell you that you dont love her and I know that when I met your dad I was in love right then, that's how I know that my parents have my back no matter what.That talk hit me in such a good way, made me feel great to be me and we had an excellent two month's this year. Cant say the rest has been shitty, but we have had our days since then I know that.
Well this went from one topic to another quickly, usually does, my brain is on a rambling path today, idk just alot on my plate. I do know a few things and I know I want to be with Brooke, but it seems so far away, she seems so distant to me now and it really hurts me inside. I dont know what to do. I could just not come around much, I'd probably be looked at like I was a jerk or something, girls never understand guys and we never understand them either. I could avoid her and try to make myself happy without her, that'd probly be the best bet.If I am near her I am longing to hold her and feel like we are more than just "friends" because friends dont have sex on Sunday and come Friday hardly speak to eachother. She catches my eye so easily though, the subtle things she does just mean alot and make me happy, she has no clue, well didn't until now. She smiled last night while dancing, she makes this goofy face that's funny, and it makes me feel good because she looks like she is truly happy. Rare moments like that just make me feel good to be around, then I get jealous, sometimes she wants to hang out with people I truly dispise now and for good reason, she cant see why I do no matter what and probably wont, but at least I got to talk to two people last night about it. Doug and Jimmy are both good guys, Doug understood that I was just being normal about it, not wanting to involve myself with that bullshit kiddy drama anymore that all of those guys have.
Jimmy realized this too thank God, I was feeling like the only person whom I always talked to, my good friend Brooke was just siding with them because she had known them a while or like Chris apologized or some retarded shit, of course he'd apologize, he'd tried to have sex with her if he had the chance and by chance I mean if she was drunk and no one was around he'd be all over her, he doesn't care about Ryan at all, he fucked my boy Andy over complately. Didn't tell Andy he screwed Steph when they broke up and well they were broke up, but come on it was only a couple weeks to a month, shit a year aint sufficient for me because first off, he never asked to "see" her or date her, or even to just have sexual relations with her so it's fucked up he'd go behind Andy's back and do something that would make him totally pissed and jealous. That's just scandelous shit and frankly Ryan aint thrilled me too much yet either. I cant believe he'd do that to a girl, same with Chris doing that to my boy and or any girl because that mother fucker cheats on girls like there is no tomorrow and I cant stand nosy mother fuckers who are hypocrites too. "Oh your business is your business and mine is mine" Oh really? New rule in effect just yesterday or what? I could have sworn all those nights for like 2-3 weeks maybe longer that Brooke and I hung out whether at her house, McDonalds or whatever/wherever, he was calling to find out what I ws doing, what she was doing adn when she'd be home or this and that. I could tell instantly he was be a nosy bitch. Shit Seth even got in on it and was his little watch dog, relaying info back and forth, that's just bullshit and that's one good Reason Seth has been on my shitlist for a while now, not just recently.
That mother fucker just stopped talking to me a whole like week or two ago and for the reaons of "his friends" not because we had beef recently, he just up and decided he'd not like me anymore because everyone else didn't like me because they are all their own worst enemies and hypocrites, fuck them all.
I dont care to hang out with one of them anymore. I am glad I made peace or whatever it was with Andy last night, I shouldn't say peace because we were never in war like the rest of the gang and I, but I thought he might have been a bit mad at me, we are good though thank God and we talked a bit and shook hands. I am glad I still have some friends left that treat me like a friend. I am a loner if I needto be though so losing all of them would suck, but it would be possible to carry on with my daily life and I'd not notice after a while. People would think I was crazy, but I am just mentally strong enough to say when I am done with you(much like "when a women makes her final decision" she means it) I am done with you. ya know?
ah oh well, this journal is huge, it's been helpful and I am cutting it here, gotta get dressed and lay out my haloween costume. I have a $ 1500 dollar Haloween costume for Bobby and Katies party tonigt haha. I am going to be what I overlooked this whole time, I almost bought something! I was crazy to almost buy something when I can put ony my bunker gear next to my damn bed. I got my firefighter costume already mad and ready to go! lol I'll be the only mother fucker with it guarenteed and I'll look damn good representing for St.Petersburg Fire haha, it even has Pearl across the back of the jacket, woot wooooot!
until the next confusing life drama
Chris...