lets try this, one fucked up step at a time....
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Funny how the shit always hits the fan when she finally hears what I've tried to protect her from...Now she hates me...And despite the profound love we once had for each other...I don't care...
Public - 2:54 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
10/20/2004
I haven't come home to Poolesville for many days with the excuse of the play and school stealing all my time. Now, something you must understand is that, me and my sister Mandy are on very good speaking terms, and I can practically tell her everything. The main reason that her and I are so close is the fact that my father has caught the "asshole," again and it seems it's even worse on her than its ever been on me. In an attempt to calm her down, and to deepen her trust with me, I opened up my heart to her certain facts that only I and the people involved knew. When Amy and I were still together, there was absolutely no progression in certain areas of or relationship, mainly the area of our sex lives, that could be said. To put it bluntly, she decided to become a born again virgin, and me and her hadn't had sex for a year and a half. Now never having sex again, even after having great sex was Ok to me as long as I could stay with her. Though there was no sex, I still gave her attention *wink, though she returned nothing. At first I was ok with that to, but soon I found out why she wasn't returning the favor. She was scared of disappointing me, so she gave up without telling me. Granted I am not an easy cookie to crumble, but if one felt that way, one would probably stop accepting her loving as well. Not Amy...This went on for a year and a half, her all the attention, and me leaving bothered every time. I stayed because I thought I was still in love with her, that I didn't want to be with anyone else, but her selfishness and the attention I wasn't getting kept on running through my head, and as time went on, thoughts got worse. In my head the actions I took next were completely necessary, and would save the "relationship," I had with Amy. I thought that if I had sex once, that I would be able to stop thinking about it so much, and that I would ultimately be able focus on the problems she had, that would fix EVERYTHING!!! I cheated on her. Looking back on it, it was the worst thing I have ever done in my live, second to only gasping dearly a relationship that had been dead for over eight months. I tried to fix everything, as I always did with Amy, but never was she satisfied with me, something was always wrong. Then, a year later, my sophomore year of college, I get into the play, Pippin, and things spiral even further down hill with Amy. I think I went over everything, about my thoughts, but My last entry was actually Amys entries for the past week. After Amy dumped me I flung myself into a promiscuous stupor that landed my with five girls in less than a month. I didn't care what she thought of me, at least these people I was with appreciated me. Back to my thought in the beginning of this entry, In hopes of making Mandy feel better about herself, I stupidly exposed this little truth in my life. Not a day had passed till she and Amy spoke, and in which Mandy subconsciously tipped Amy off as to my being very naughty lately. Amy confronted me, and after everything that has happened lately, I didn't care what she thought of me, and I told her everything as well. Words weren't understood other than she never wanted to hear from me again. And the very beginning of my last entry is the most recent of hers, explaining what a douche bag I truly am. Honestly I am... I agree with her, I'm not going to be this way anymore, and for once, I think I am officially moving on... Granted Amy's parents explained to mine, that if I was ever seen near her or speak to her again, their going to place a restraining order on me. Funny seeing as shes hurt as well, and neither of us have threatened assault or anything. Leave it to Amy's family be equally as psycho as her. FUCK THEM!!!! This helps everything, I can finally cleave that false hope out of my mind, and move on, in fact I am....
Funny how the shit always hits the fan when she finally hears what I've tried to protect her from...Now she hates me...And despite the profound love we once had for each other...I don't care...
Public - 2:54 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
10/20/2004
I haven't come home to Poolesville for many days with the excuse of the play and school stealing all my time. Now, something you must understand is that, me and my sister Mandy are on very good speaking terms, and I can practically tell her everything. The main reason that her and I are so close is the fact that my father has caught the "asshole," again and it seems it's even worse on her than its ever been on me. In an attempt to calm her down, and to deepen her trust with me, I opened up my heart to her certain facts that only I and the people involved knew. When Amy and I were still together, there was absolutely no progression in certain areas of or relationship, mainly the area of our sex lives, that could be said. To put it bluntly, she decided to become a born again virgin, and me and her hadn't had sex for a year and a half. Now never having sex again, even after having great sex was Ok to me as long as I could stay with her. Though there was no sex, I still gave her attention *wink, though she returned nothing. At first I was ok with that to, but soon I found out why she wasn't returning the favor. She was scared of disappointing me, so she gave up without telling me. Granted I am not an easy cookie to crumble, but if one felt that way, one would probably stop accepting her loving as well. Not Amy...This went on for a year and a half, her all the attention, and me leaving bothered every time. I stayed because I thought I was still in love with her, that I didn't want to be with anyone else, but her selfishness and the attention I wasn't getting kept on running through my head, and as time went on, thoughts got worse. In my head the actions I took next were completely necessary, and would save the "relationship," I had with Amy. I thought that if I had sex once, that I would be able to stop thinking about it so much, and that I would ultimately be able focus on the problems she had, that would fix EVERYTHING!!! I cheated on her. Looking back on it, it was the worst thing I have ever done in my live, second to only gasping dearly a relationship that had been dead for over eight months. I tried to fix everything, as I always did with Amy, but never was she satisfied with me, something was always wrong. Then, a year later, my sophomore year of college, I get into the play, Pippin, and things spiral even further down hill with Amy. I think I went over everything, about my thoughts, but My last entry was actually Amys entries for the past week. After Amy dumped me I flung myself into a promiscuous stupor that landed my with five girls in less than a month. I didn't care what she thought of me, at least these people I was with appreciated me. Back to my thought in the beginning of this entry, In hopes of making Mandy feel better about herself, I stupidly exposed this little truth in my life. Not a day had passed till she and Amy spoke, and in which Mandy subconsciously tipped Amy off as to my being very naughty lately. Amy confronted me, and after everything that has happened lately, I didn't care what she thought of me, and I told her everything as well. Words weren't understood other than she never wanted to hear from me again. And the very beginning of my last entry is the most recent of hers, explaining what a douche bag I truly am. Honestly I am... I agree with her, I'm not going to be this way anymore, and for once, I think I am officially moving on... Granted Amy's parents explained to mine, that if I was ever seen near her or speak to her again, their going to place a restraining order on me. Funny seeing as shes hurt as well, and neither of us have threatened assault or anything. Leave it to Amy's family be equally as psycho as her. FUCK THEM!!!! This helps everything, I can finally cleave that false hope out of my mind, and move on, in fact I am....