Random thoughts on love and marriage
So, Nick and I have been talking seriously about getting a place together/getting engaged/getting married. And it's brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts in me. We plan on moving in together as soon as possibly (likely in Sept when I start rotations) and we've been looking at rings for an engagement that would hopefully happen before or soon after we move in together.
When I tell people this, I get all sorts of different reactions. Like "You guys are talking about it now -- before it happens?" "You're already planning this far in advance?" "You're picking out your ring? You mean he isn't?" And the answer is YES, all of those things. It kind of bothers me in a way that I can't really articulate. I feel like this isn't 1940. Women shouldn't have to sit around waiting... getting only the time between "Will you marry me?" And ".... Well, will you?" to decide if a person is going to be in their life forever while the guy gets all the time he wants thinking and planning it. I think the planning should be equal between both people. It takes talking about what both people want and when they want it and how they want it or it's not going to work. Or it's not going to work in the kind of equal partnership marriage that I want to enter. Nick and I talked about being married BEFORE we even dated, and yes, that's weird (haha). But now we have to decide what steps to take in life and it means making these decisions -- together.
I don't understand what people really expect me to do? Wait until August and then magically know not to renew my lease or sell my things or plan my rotations IN ANOTHER STATE. That's absolutely impossible. And why would I move to a different state and potentially a city that I don't love, if I don't have a serious commitment with the person I'm moving there with? It's just the natural progression of things and I think couples, ya know, in the 21st century realize this is how things work.
I understand that we're both young but we have a lot of things going for us that a lot of people my age don't. We have career goals and financial goals. We have personal goals and goals for us as a couple. We've both seen marriages fall apart and we've both been in enough relationships to know what works and what doesn't. And we've been in enough relationships to know the difference between "I love you because we're dating and I'm supposed to" and "I love you because I know and accept who you really are and I wouldn't want you to be anyone else." We're going to be successful in our careers. Everyone throws the "50% of marriages end in divorce" quote at us, but I just wonder how many of those talked about things that matter: kids, fidelity, money, sex, everything BEFORE they got married. How many of those married out of obligation, to get our of their parents home, to make ends meet? How many people had doubts that it wasn't going to work out GOING INTO the marriage? I feel the right time to get married isn't about a number, it's about being mature enough to know what you're getting yourself into and what things need talked about before that can happen. Marriage is a sign of commitment - a symbol to society and family and friends your love for each other. But it's also about someone knowing you so well that they are legally responsible to make the best decisions for your health and finanaces should something happen to you. I just feel like people take all parts of marriage too lightly -- the commitment and the consequences of leaving your health/property/finances/children in someone else's hands.
I feel like we are both intelligent people and we have our heads on straight. We've had our share of rough patches, we've had times where we didn't really like each other very much, but at the end of the day, there's no other way we want to spend our lives but together. An older woman once told me the key to her long marriage was: "We never fell out of love at the same time." It's not always flowers and rainbows and puppies and WE GET THAT. And is it so bad that we're being smart about our future? I just don't understand where other people are coming from with all these questions. And I'm not sure why it evokes all this feeling in me. I just feel like people are acting really old-fashioned about it all. Anyone have any thought on this?
When I tell people this, I get all sorts of different reactions. Like "You guys are talking about it now -- before it happens?" "You're already planning this far in advance?" "You're picking out your ring? You mean he isn't?" And the answer is YES, all of those things. It kind of bothers me in a way that I can't really articulate. I feel like this isn't 1940. Women shouldn't have to sit around waiting... getting only the time between "Will you marry me?" And ".... Well, will you?" to decide if a person is going to be in their life forever while the guy gets all the time he wants thinking and planning it. I think the planning should be equal between both people. It takes talking about what both people want and when they want it and how they want it or it's not going to work. Or it's not going to work in the kind of equal partnership marriage that I want to enter. Nick and I talked about being married BEFORE we even dated, and yes, that's weird (haha). But now we have to decide what steps to take in life and it means making these decisions -- together.
I don't understand what people really expect me to do? Wait until August and then magically know not to renew my lease or sell my things or plan my rotations IN ANOTHER STATE. That's absolutely impossible. And why would I move to a different state and potentially a city that I don't love, if I don't have a serious commitment with the person I'm moving there with? It's just the natural progression of things and I think couples, ya know, in the 21st century realize this is how things work.
I understand that we're both young but we have a lot of things going for us that a lot of people my age don't. We have career goals and financial goals. We have personal goals and goals for us as a couple. We've both seen marriages fall apart and we've both been in enough relationships to know what works and what doesn't. And we've been in enough relationships to know the difference between "I love you because we're dating and I'm supposed to" and "I love you because I know and accept who you really are and I wouldn't want you to be anyone else." We're going to be successful in our careers. Everyone throws the "50% of marriages end in divorce" quote at us, but I just wonder how many of those talked about things that matter: kids, fidelity, money, sex, everything BEFORE they got married. How many of those married out of obligation, to get our of their parents home, to make ends meet? How many people had doubts that it wasn't going to work out GOING INTO the marriage? I feel the right time to get married isn't about a number, it's about being mature enough to know what you're getting yourself into and what things need talked about before that can happen. Marriage is a sign of commitment - a symbol to society and family and friends your love for each other. But it's also about someone knowing you so well that they are legally responsible to make the best decisions for your health and finanaces should something happen to you. I just feel like people take all parts of marriage too lightly -- the commitment and the consequences of leaving your health/property/finances/children in someone else's hands.
I feel like we are both intelligent people and we have our heads on straight. We've had our share of rough patches, we've had times where we didn't really like each other very much, but at the end of the day, there's no other way we want to spend our lives but together. An older woman once told me the key to her long marriage was: "We never fell out of love at the same time." It's not always flowers and rainbows and puppies and WE GET THAT. And is it so bad that we're being smart about our future? I just don't understand where other people are coming from with all these questions. And I'm not sure why it evokes all this feeling in me. I just feel like people are acting really old-fashioned about it all. Anyone have any thought on this?