(no subject)
I had this dream last night. I don't remember where we were at I think it was at the KML game and we were all coming home from it. It was me, brent and brent had some new girlfriend that wasn't mariah, mariah with her new bf that wasn't brent, shane with that girl laura that he plans on asking out only they were dating during my dream. Nothing really happens in this dream and throughout the dream i was so sad ecause everyone around me had someone and then there was me the 7th wheel. And all i wanted to do throughout the dream was call ben because i kept thinking ben didn't ask that girl out yet i can still confide in him. i constantly feel like the 3rd wheel now with mariah and brent dating, but atleast i had shane or ben there so i wasn't alone in my single life. but now shane plans on asking that girl out really soon and i am happy for him and when i heard that at first i was like ok i'll still have ben to be single with even though we dated we seem to be doing fine being just friends. and then last night we were talking and he told me that he has been thinking about asking this girl out. He told me adn my heart sort of dropped.
at first i didn't know what to say it was hard. I was trying not to show what i was really feeling while at the same time trying to act happy for him. I guess i am sort of, but most of me isn't ok.
all i do is lie. Im alwasy saying "im ok", "don't worry about it im fine", "Nothings wrong" well news flash IM LYING! IM NOT OK! i don't know why i have a problem with ben wanting to date someone. Maybe its because i just opened up to him, at least once a week i pour my heart out to him. i feel so much closer to him now then i ever did while we were dating and now he'll be dating someone and once again for the second time this month i'll lose my person that i confide in. i guess it comes down to im selfish and i guess i want people to myself. im that typical only child that doesn't like to share
The laughs are fake. the smiles are fake
i told ben last night that he shouldn't worry about how i react to him wanting to date. he still wants to hang out like we do now and he asked me if that would be ok or wierd if we were all to hang out. i told him it would be wierd at first but it would get better. i lied. i told him that he shouldn't worry about how i feel but how this other girl would feel being around me. he agreed. we talked on the phone after our car ride and i told him i found out why i was/ am depressed and he kept bugging me and i kept saying it wasn't important, it didn't matter he kept saying yes it is it does matter and i lied again and again so i wouldn't have to tell him i was depressed cause he likes someone else. i don't want him to know that i still care. that im still affected. i don't know why i care. im the one that broke up with him. i asked for this
at first i didn't know what to say it was hard. I was trying not to show what i was really feeling while at the same time trying to act happy for him. I guess i am sort of, but most of me isn't ok.
all i do is lie. Im alwasy saying "im ok", "don't worry about it im fine", "Nothings wrong" well news flash IM LYING! IM NOT OK! i don't know why i have a problem with ben wanting to date someone. Maybe its because i just opened up to him, at least once a week i pour my heart out to him. i feel so much closer to him now then i ever did while we were dating and now he'll be dating someone and once again for the second time this month i'll lose my person that i confide in. i guess it comes down to im selfish and i guess i want people to myself. im that typical only child that doesn't like to share
The laughs are fake. the smiles are fake
i told ben last night that he shouldn't worry about how i react to him wanting to date. he still wants to hang out like we do now and he asked me if that would be ok or wierd if we were all to hang out. i told him it would be wierd at first but it would get better. i lied. i told him that he shouldn't worry about how i feel but how this other girl would feel being around me. he agreed. we talked on the phone after our car ride and i told him i found out why i was/ am depressed and he kept bugging me and i kept saying it wasn't important, it didn't matter he kept saying yes it is it does matter and i lied again and again so i wouldn't have to tell him i was depressed cause he likes someone else. i don't want him to know that i still care. that im still affected. i don't know why i care. im the one that broke up with him. i asked for this