the memories
So, the wedding Saturday didn't turn out to be all that horrific as I thought. It was quite pleasant since I had the chance to talk to some familiar faces during the cocktail reception and reception/dinner. Open bar is always nice, but I only had a few drinks b/c my head was killing me as usual. I think I have anemia. I need to get my blood checked, but I think it's a genetic thing?, so who knows if I have that or if I'm just tired for no reason all the time.
I messaged my ex on the night of the wedding reception, well...because I thought of him and how much I missed the memories with him. But a day later, I realized what a mistake it was to message him and talk to him on the phone because I live in NY and he lives in MI. I don't want to visit and feel like a visitor just as I've always felt with him. I want to have something real...not a one week visiting get together where we fall back in love again and then go through the same bullshit when I leave. I never get the chance to spend as much time as I want with him for certain reasons and its always a fleeting feeling. I texted him tonight saying that it was a mistake for me to message him after not talking for almost 2 months. We'll see what happens tomorrow. He is the only person in my life that I give the time of day to. I think that is why I get so upset. He's the only person who can make me feel so bad about myself for trying. I think it relates to not getting what I want when I want it so badly especially after I've tried quite possibly everything and anything possible.
I do miss certain other people, but repressing those people in my head is the only thing I can do. It's such a hard thing to do at times, but it's better than feeling pain and disappointment. There is only one person from whom I hold expectations, and that person is my ex. When I get to the point where I no longer hold him to anything, that is a day .. well that is for another time.
The music in the movie Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley is by far so moving and so powerful, but you have to see the movie in order to appreciate the music. The "End Credits" song is breathtaking. It's playing right now . An appropriate ending to this piece. I'd give anything for a moment of happiness.
I messaged my ex on the night of the wedding reception, well...because I thought of him and how much I missed the memories with him. But a day later, I realized what a mistake it was to message him and talk to him on the phone because I live in NY and he lives in MI. I don't want to visit and feel like a visitor just as I've always felt with him. I want to have something real...not a one week visiting get together where we fall back in love again and then go through the same bullshit when I leave. I never get the chance to spend as much time as I want with him for certain reasons and its always a fleeting feeling. I texted him tonight saying that it was a mistake for me to message him after not talking for almost 2 months. We'll see what happens tomorrow. He is the only person in my life that I give the time of day to. I think that is why I get so upset. He's the only person who can make me feel so bad about myself for trying. I think it relates to not getting what I want when I want it so badly especially after I've tried quite possibly everything and anything possible.
I do miss certain other people, but repressing those people in my head is the only thing I can do. It's such a hard thing to do at times, but it's better than feeling pain and disappointment. There is only one person from whom I hold expectations, and that person is my ex. When I get to the point where I no longer hold him to anything, that is a day .. well that is for another time.
The music in the movie Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley is by far so moving and so powerful, but you have to see the movie in order to appreciate the music. The "End Credits" song is breathtaking. It's playing right now . An appropriate ending to this piece. I'd give anything for a moment of happiness.