to look or not look at starry skies
Where do our wishes go? Where do our dreams go? Where does all of our hoping go? Are they all stored up somewhere in an astral world only granted to us when we're pronounced dead by the coroner? "They" say that God has a better plan for us than we had originally planned on having. But what about what I want...right now... regardless of the consequences? Perhaps it would be too catastrophic, so the wish isn't granted. Still, I do wish for certain things.
As I've said in earlier posts, I'm a perfectionist. This applies to the feeling of love as well. It has to feel like perfect love for me in order for me to even consider dating someone. I don't settle on anything less (but may end up having to do that at some point in this life.) I know the people who know that I like/d them know how insane and calculating I am on this matter, yet for some reason or another, things didn't work out. It's like out of all the people that I've met in my lifetime (some very incredible people in every regard who I just didn't like), I'm yelling, "I like you!" Can't they see that--that I want someone so badly--that's it's not some fling, some short-term thing. It's the real thing. Perhaps that is what scared them off. There are always those people in my life that I would maybe date, but not right off the bat. It's like I have every reason in the book to date them because of their qualities, but I have no desire to. There is one person in Colorado that I would if I saw him again. I actually miss him. But it could be because he spent a week with me and also because I totally shut him out of my life and said to leave me alone. He really, really, really liked me and it was overwhelming. I've wondered if that is why I did to others that I liked so much. But he actually would have been so good for me. I basically shut him out for the reason mentioned earlier (and I was afraid I would hurt him too much), and also because I had this hope that my ex would miraculously be the guy I envisioned him to be. What's sad is that he was that guy at first, but then changed. But I'm starting to think that it's the other way around. He changed to get me, then became his real self. Either way, he's in MI and there's like close to a zero percent chance that he will be in NYC at all, so I have to start looking out for myself. I'm not getting younger, just older, and I don't want to be one of those 35 year olds hanging out at the bar trying to find a guy to talk to.
I recently started talking to Bryant again from Union. I almost thought it was David Goodyear calling from Michigan. His voice sounds exactly like Bryant's, although David has this ridiculous chuckle (=p). A good pair of vocal chords though is what I thought when I talked to Bryant. Well not exactly, but I really did say to myself that I like his voice...even though I didn't like it when I first spoke to him back in 07? I know, whatever I tell the truth. He's a good guy. Smart, nerdy, sarcastic. I can actually have a convo with him. I realized that the only time I'm able to have a convo with my ex is when he wants to talk about something in his life, e.g. his job, college related stuff, etc. This struck me again when Bryant asked me what I was making for dinner. I'll say that I'm about to have dinner to my ex, and I'll be shot down with a "that's fun" remark. Sometimes I feel that he really doesn't know what he's doing "wrong" even after I tell him. Such is life.
I got a letter in the mail, and I could have sworn that it was from the guy in Colorado b/c the handwriting on the envelope was exactly the same as his. I really got excited, but it wasn't him, just some stupid ad. I know I can't contact him even though at times I want to. It's not fair to him unless I know exactly what I want...and I don't.
I love my parents to death. I always get so teary eyed when I wave to them at the airport. I wish I could explain to you how close Eastern cultured parents are. It's not good to be so close. What will I do when they're no longer alive?
As I've said in earlier posts, I'm a perfectionist. This applies to the feeling of love as well. It has to feel like perfect love for me in order for me to even consider dating someone. I don't settle on anything less (but may end up having to do that at some point in this life.) I know the people who know that I like/d them know how insane and calculating I am on this matter, yet for some reason or another, things didn't work out. It's like out of all the people that I've met in my lifetime (some very incredible people in every regard who I just didn't like), I'm yelling, "I like you!" Can't they see that--that I want someone so badly--that's it's not some fling, some short-term thing. It's the real thing. Perhaps that is what scared them off. There are always those people in my life that I would maybe date, but not right off the bat. It's like I have every reason in the book to date them because of their qualities, but I have no desire to. There is one person in Colorado that I would if I saw him again. I actually miss him. But it could be because he spent a week with me and also because I totally shut him out of my life and said to leave me alone. He really, really, really liked me and it was overwhelming. I've wondered if that is why I did to others that I liked so much. But he actually would have been so good for me. I basically shut him out for the reason mentioned earlier (and I was afraid I would hurt him too much), and also because I had this hope that my ex would miraculously be the guy I envisioned him to be. What's sad is that he was that guy at first, but then changed. But I'm starting to think that it's the other way around. He changed to get me, then became his real self. Either way, he's in MI and there's like close to a zero percent chance that he will be in NYC at all, so I have to start looking out for myself. I'm not getting younger, just older, and I don't want to be one of those 35 year olds hanging out at the bar trying to find a guy to talk to.
I recently started talking to Bryant again from Union. I almost thought it was David Goodyear calling from Michigan. His voice sounds exactly like Bryant's, although David has this ridiculous chuckle (=p). A good pair of vocal chords though is what I thought when I talked to Bryant. Well not exactly, but I really did say to myself that I like his voice...even though I didn't like it when I first spoke to him back in 07? I know, whatever I tell the truth. He's a good guy. Smart, nerdy, sarcastic. I can actually have a convo with him. I realized that the only time I'm able to have a convo with my ex is when he wants to talk about something in his life, e.g. his job, college related stuff, etc. This struck me again when Bryant asked me what I was making for dinner. I'll say that I'm about to have dinner to my ex, and I'll be shot down with a "that's fun" remark. Sometimes I feel that he really doesn't know what he's doing "wrong" even after I tell him. Such is life.
I got a letter in the mail, and I could have sworn that it was from the guy in Colorado b/c the handwriting on the envelope was exactly the same as his. I really got excited, but it wasn't him, just some stupid ad. I know I can't contact him even though at times I want to. It's not fair to him unless I know exactly what I want...and I don't.
I love my parents to death. I always get so teary eyed when I wave to them at the airport. I wish I could explain to you how close Eastern cultured parents are. It's not good to be so close. What will I do when they're no longer alive?