A Post About Nothing
I'm feeling down tonight. For no good reason.
I had resolved to post about something today. I had had several ideas for good topics. (I usually like to have a specific topic in mind when I write these things; I've always been rather partial to the essay.)
But then I sat down to write, and proceeded to systematically reject every possible candidate.
On and on the laundry list of rationalizations went: "This isn't developed enough; this is too personal; this is too flippant; this is too short; this is too long."
The Backspace key and I are now on a first-name basis.
I'm really starting to get frustrated with my constant self-censorship.
***
Ah, what the hell. I'll get a little personal for a second.
I'm pretty sure I have a morbid fear of looking stupid. I figured this out a few months ago. I had always thought I had a fear of failure, but I think it goes deeper than that. I think, more so than failure, I have an unreasonably strong fear of being publicly humiliated. This fear has affected my behavior and personality in many ways.
For example, at school, or at work, or wherever, many times when there's been a point in the conversation where someone has a question, and I'm 95% certain of what the answer is, I *won't* say anything.
Because I'm not 100% sure. And I might be wrong. How embarrassing would *that* be?
Most of the time when I greet acquaintances, I just say "Hello," or some such. I notice that many people say my name in greeting, while I rarely say theirs. Very often, the reason is because I'm afraid that I might be *misremembering* their names. (Which is a ridiculous thought, I'm sure, and yet I can't shake myself of it when the time comes.) So, rather than take a chance, I try and avoid the situation coming up whenever possible.
I've pretty much appropriated the "One-Percent Doctrine" to explain this tendency to myself. If there's a 1% or greater chance in some scenario that I might end up looking stupid, that's enough to merit avoiding that scenario as much as is possible.
Another thing that makes it worse is that I can remember *all* the times in my life that I *did* do or say something stupid, or get humiliated. There are quite a few incidents, and every once in a while they attack me *all at once*. I remember them one after another, in rapid-fire succession, barrage after barrage. It gets to the point where I want to run as fast as I can. But how do I run from my own head?
If I take a chance on something and it blows up in my face, it's *not* just one silly event that will blow over after a while. I'll have to *remember* it, too. One *more* piece of ammunition to hit me with when the bad days come; one *more* straw to add to the camel's back.
So, I don't take many chances nowadays.
Some days I'm actually kind of content with this. Other days, I'm...not.
Anyway.
I had resolved to post about something today. I had had several ideas for good topics. (I usually like to have a specific topic in mind when I write these things; I've always been rather partial to the essay.)
But then I sat down to write, and proceeded to systematically reject every possible candidate.
On and on the laundry list of rationalizations went: "This isn't developed enough; this is too personal; this is too flippant; this is too short; this is too long."
The Backspace key and I are now on a first-name basis.
I'm really starting to get frustrated with my constant self-censorship.
***
Ah, what the hell. I'll get a little personal for a second.
I'm pretty sure I have a morbid fear of looking stupid. I figured this out a few months ago. I had always thought I had a fear of failure, but I think it goes deeper than that. I think, more so than failure, I have an unreasonably strong fear of being publicly humiliated. This fear has affected my behavior and personality in many ways.
For example, at school, or at work, or wherever, many times when there's been a point in the conversation where someone has a question, and I'm 95% certain of what the answer is, I *won't* say anything.
Because I'm not 100% sure. And I might be wrong. How embarrassing would *that* be?
Most of the time when I greet acquaintances, I just say "Hello," or some such. I notice that many people say my name in greeting, while I rarely say theirs. Very often, the reason is because I'm afraid that I might be *misremembering* their names. (Which is a ridiculous thought, I'm sure, and yet I can't shake myself of it when the time comes.) So, rather than take a chance, I try and avoid the situation coming up whenever possible.
I've pretty much appropriated the "One-Percent Doctrine" to explain this tendency to myself. If there's a 1% or greater chance in some scenario that I might end up looking stupid, that's enough to merit avoiding that scenario as much as is possible.
Another thing that makes it worse is that I can remember *all* the times in my life that I *did* do or say something stupid, or get humiliated. There are quite a few incidents, and every once in a while they attack me *all at once*. I remember them one after another, in rapid-fire succession, barrage after barrage. It gets to the point where I want to run as fast as I can. But how do I run from my own head?
If I take a chance on something and it blows up in my face, it's *not* just one silly event that will blow over after a while. I'll have to *remember* it, too. One *more* piece of ammunition to hit me with when the bad days come; one *more* straw to add to the camel's back.
So, I don't take many chances nowadays.
Some days I'm actually kind of content with this. Other days, I'm...not.
Anyway.