(no subject)

[goofydork]

yesterday was Emily's funeral. i dont know that i believe she is really dead. the only moment i saw it clearly was when the bag pipes played. i was filled with something ive never felt in my life. such an intense blend of anger, sorrow, regret, helplessness. i dont understand why it had to happen to her. why not me. if i want it to be me instead of her then god should allow it. she had 100 times the spiritual power and faith i have and she worked hard for everything her whole life. i want to be so angery with him. but the only comfort i have, is the fact that i don't understand. God needed her. she was the greatest tool for Christ alive. my only prayer is that her death bring more people to know Christ. because that is worth giving up your life. i know it, and im positive Emily did too. i look at her picture so much and get sick thinking about what happened to her beautiful body in that wreckage. her silky hair, her delicate features, her shining smile... all of it lost in twisted metal. its not fair. it should not be allowed to happen ever again.
aimee got me sick. i just got in from a double, with virtually no sleep cause i drove from her place straight to work. i rented some shoes from walmart ha ha. im so in love with that girl. the best feeling in the world is when she drapes her arm over me in her sleep. she wants to move to nyc but she said she cant leave me. i hate hearing that. i mean i love it, it feels great. buti dont know at the same time i just wish she would be silent. it doesnt make sense.
im going to bed im so sick