depression
k im really depressed now and i cant seem to get out of this funk, all i want is to curl up in a ball and disapear into my dream scap. oh just disapear in all. i want the misury to end all the death, the mistrust and hurt and sadness....... i just cant excape it. the drugs that they have put me on no longer seem to work. i feel no better no defferent, its all becoming the same, im living in purgatory and this is my time befor im sentenced to hell. joe tells me things will get better, i no longer believe him... in anything.
I use to see the good in people, even that has faulterd. my sence of humor is gone. im retreating back into myself, becoming what i once was, scared, alone, but im no longer trusting, i hate the world i hate society. People are so cold and crule, not like its been happening to me anymore but just watching it every day as it happens to others i cant take it anymore i want out.
I finaly relised that no one going to help me, no shinny knight on a white horse is going to wisk me off into the sunset.......and love, what is that? its a emotion i no longer understand, one that i crave but lack. joes says he loves me but i feel cold, i dont feel warm anymore like the blood in my veins has turned to ice water, like my heart is turning into a chunk or stone. Im growing distant and building stone walls i dont want to let anyone close. and yet i crave closeness. I wnat to be with joe all the time to feel his warmth where my own is lacking. and conections im serously lacking in that department. i try but im failing misurably, i dont want to lose him yet i fell like i am all the same. im trying to pull closer but everthing is slipping further away.
My head hurts and so does my stomache.......blah i promised joe i would no longer cut my wrists and watch the blood flow out....but i dont know how much longer i can hold this promise....why should i anyway? all promises that people have ever made me where broken......why should i care about keeping them?
Mom, mike and sarah are all telling me to brake up with joe, that its his fault i feel this way that hes an asshole, i dont believe them, well i dont believe them that this is he's fult, if it wasnt for him i wouldn't be here i would have killed myself, i would be going insane. throwing things and hitting things. he is the one person that stands up to me and calms me down. he has help put some of the peices back together. so what ih joe can some times have a assholeish nature, i dont minde it it dosent affect me to much and hes not really like that around me, i see a deferent side, and nice side, a caring side. but who knows whats going to happen. im not for him..... theres something wrong with me that makes him not wanting to go into a deeper relationship. I feel out of sorts, i so lost fucking a .......... i cant do this by my self i just can't. I don't know how......
In my mide its a beautiful place, clear skies, magical forests, crystal clear water, dragons, people who love me and dont ask a price for it......my dog bear is there and my cat emme is too i tend the gardens and take care of animals, cook clean and read wounderful books and learn new things everyday.I go to the beach and the sand is so white it looks like snow. the air is warm and never to hot. but it dosent matter nothing matter at lest i can excape there in my dreams. thats why i sleep alot, im thrying so desperetly hard to excape from everything..... blah i need to go to that dream world now hopefuly i dont wake up
I use to see the good in people, even that has faulterd. my sence of humor is gone. im retreating back into myself, becoming what i once was, scared, alone, but im no longer trusting, i hate the world i hate society. People are so cold and crule, not like its been happening to me anymore but just watching it every day as it happens to others i cant take it anymore i want out.
I finaly relised that no one going to help me, no shinny knight on a white horse is going to wisk me off into the sunset.......and love, what is that? its a emotion i no longer understand, one that i crave but lack. joes says he loves me but i feel cold, i dont feel warm anymore like the blood in my veins has turned to ice water, like my heart is turning into a chunk or stone. Im growing distant and building stone walls i dont want to let anyone close. and yet i crave closeness. I wnat to be with joe all the time to feel his warmth where my own is lacking. and conections im serously lacking in that department. i try but im failing misurably, i dont want to lose him yet i fell like i am all the same. im trying to pull closer but everthing is slipping further away.
My head hurts and so does my stomache.......blah i promised joe i would no longer cut my wrists and watch the blood flow out....but i dont know how much longer i can hold this promise....why should i anyway? all promises that people have ever made me where broken......why should i care about keeping them?
Mom, mike and sarah are all telling me to brake up with joe, that its his fault i feel this way that hes an asshole, i dont believe them, well i dont believe them that this is he's fult, if it wasnt for him i wouldn't be here i would have killed myself, i would be going insane. throwing things and hitting things. he is the one person that stands up to me and calms me down. he has help put some of the peices back together. so what ih joe can some times have a assholeish nature, i dont minde it it dosent affect me to much and hes not really like that around me, i see a deferent side, and nice side, a caring side. but who knows whats going to happen. im not for him..... theres something wrong with me that makes him not wanting to go into a deeper relationship. I feel out of sorts, i so lost fucking a .......... i cant do this by my self i just can't. I don't know how......
In my mide its a beautiful place, clear skies, magical forests, crystal clear water, dragons, people who love me and dont ask a price for it......my dog bear is there and my cat emme is too i tend the gardens and take care of animals, cook clean and read wounderful books and learn new things everyday.I go to the beach and the sand is so white it looks like snow. the air is warm and never to hot. but it dosent matter nothing matter at lest i can excape there in my dreams. thats why i sleep alot, im thrying so desperetly hard to excape from everything..... blah i need to go to that dream world now hopefuly i dont wake up