You and onions make me cry.
Just when I thought I was normal and completely happy. Life, once again, bites me in the ass. I will get through it though. Hopefully. Am I really lame for saying I have never felt so lonely before in my life? Probably. But this is my journal so I guess I can be lame if I want. I have never craved love like this before. The closest thing I have to true love right now is my Edward Cullen poster. As sexy and perfect as he is, it's not real. Why have I been okay with my little flings to get me by until now? I need someone who wants to take care of me. Someone who I love just as much as they love me. I want to be annoying with someone, the same way they want to be annoying with me. I have been so bitter towards love, and couples. But I'm craving it. So bad. Not a quick fix, but the real damn thing. Butterflies that aren't being forced into my belly. I actually really liked Grant. Of course, one that I really like ends up being a douche bag. I didn't think I was being annoying with him at all. I swear I was doing everything right. Maybe I was doing everything right. Not that I would know, he just stopped talking talking to me out of the blue. Putting effort into someone who wouldn't do it for me isn't my cup of tea. It truly does suck getting rejected though. This past week has been really hard on me. I might not be able to have children. I always thought that I couldn't have them.. always thought I should have been pregnant by now if I could. By this time, if you don't already know, you will probably find out a twisted story from someone else so I'd rather be the one to tell it. I had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. You get it by not treating Chlamydia for a while. Luckily, it is curable, but it probably damaged my insides. Being a whore really paid off. I am so scared. Having kids is one of the only things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. After telling tons of people to tell Stephen to talk to me, he finally did. It was the worst thing ever.. he really brought me down. I thought maybe he cared a little bit, but apparently not. I told him I got an STD, and he laughed. I have so much anger right now inside me towards him. I want to bust out and be immature and say all the things about him I know that would most likely embarrass the shit out of him, but I'm biting my tongue. I never thought someone could go as low as he did. Someone who claimed to care about me so much at one point. I get it I broke your heart. I get it, I got a little promiscuous. I get it, it makes you sick to your stomach to think about and hear about it. I never did it to intentionally hurt you. At all. I actually held back from doing a lot of things because all I could think about is you hurting inside. I'm sorry I wanted to move on with my life. I'm sorry I didn't feel healthy in our relationship. I'm sorry that I didn't want to take care of you anymore. I'm sorry for moving on. Stephen I never stopped caring about you. It kills me not knowing whats going on with you and your family. You always told me that no matter what, you always want to be apart of my life somehow. I thought you would always be here for me. I was looking forward for your encouragement. Actually more than any ones. I shouldn't be letting you affect me this much. I hate being in this state of mind. I need to get trashed, but it would be too dangerous with the antibiotics that I'm on. It's weird when I need people the most, I push them away.
PS. before you talk shit, I don't have the disease anymore. I'm not contagious, I cannot pass the disease to anyone anymore. And, I don't know who I got it from.
On a good note, I quit smoking. I'm so proud of myself. I've never tried to before, but I haven't had a cigarette in over a month. I haven't thought about smoking one actually, until right now. I'm not going to though.
On Friday my mom and I are going to go up to SCC to see all the dates and get information about nursing school. I'm so ready to go to school and get my life going. I'm not doing anything with my life right now, so it's about time I start. I want my Dad to be proud to be my Dad. I'm sick of people telling me "you need to go to school" "stop being so lazy". I'm ready. Thank you for talking me down haters. =]
Starting with my next paycheck, I'm going to start saving for a car. Being car-less has been the worse. I'm so done depending on everyone for rides. That's not the kind of person I really am at all. I feel so rude all the time asking for rides to work, and I am sure my mom is sick of letting me borrow her car all the time.
Music has really been my savior lately. All I have wanted lately is to just be alone most of the time. I've downloaded a lot of realllly good music.
I hope this lonely feeling goes away soon. It's really kicking my ass. I just need to laugh. BTW I have been talking to this kid Ben online for like years, we have developed like the best online friendship ever. We tell each other everything. We tell each other things we wouldn't even tell our best friends. We actually met back in middle school and were kind of friends back then. Anyways, we have been hanging out lately. Him and his adorable friend Anthony. I stayed up with them (mostly Anthony) until 10 in the morning Saturday/Sunday. We just laughed pretty much the whole time. It was the most I have laughed in almost probably my whole life. I wish it was like that all the time. I laughed and joked with them like I would laugh and joke with Olivia.
I think I am finally over Fiala and all his bullshit. I'm glad too. Him being in my life is not a healthy thing. Never has been, never will be. When I say I really don't care when he talks to me, I really mean it now. He can take his excuse of "not being ready" and shove it up his asshole. He expects me to sit around and wait for him. He expects me to fuck him when he wants, and "not go public". I don't roll like that buddy. I wasn't ever going to be like that. It was just hard for me to just let him go completely, he was my first love. But it was all a joke. Just like every other relationship I've ever had. Jokes. When will I get something real?
Peace. Feel free to leave some feedback..
PS. before you talk shit, I don't have the disease anymore. I'm not contagious, I cannot pass the disease to anyone anymore. And, I don't know who I got it from.
On a good note, I quit smoking. I'm so proud of myself. I've never tried to before, but I haven't had a cigarette in over a month. I haven't thought about smoking one actually, until right now. I'm not going to though.
On Friday my mom and I are going to go up to SCC to see all the dates and get information about nursing school. I'm so ready to go to school and get my life going. I'm not doing anything with my life right now, so it's about time I start. I want my Dad to be proud to be my Dad. I'm sick of people telling me "you need to go to school" "stop being so lazy". I'm ready. Thank you for talking me down haters. =]
Starting with my next paycheck, I'm going to start saving for a car. Being car-less has been the worse. I'm so done depending on everyone for rides. That's not the kind of person I really am at all. I feel so rude all the time asking for rides to work, and I am sure my mom is sick of letting me borrow her car all the time.
Music has really been my savior lately. All I have wanted lately is to just be alone most of the time. I've downloaded a lot of realllly good music.
I hope this lonely feeling goes away soon. It's really kicking my ass. I just need to laugh. BTW I have been talking to this kid Ben online for like years, we have developed like the best online friendship ever. We tell each other everything. We tell each other things we wouldn't even tell our best friends. We actually met back in middle school and were kind of friends back then. Anyways, we have been hanging out lately. Him and his adorable friend Anthony. I stayed up with them (mostly Anthony) until 10 in the morning Saturday/Sunday. We just laughed pretty much the whole time. It was the most I have laughed in almost probably my whole life. I wish it was like that all the time. I laughed and joked with them like I would laugh and joke with Olivia.
I think I am finally over Fiala and all his bullshit. I'm glad too. Him being in my life is not a healthy thing. Never has been, never will be. When I say I really don't care when he talks to me, I really mean it now. He can take his excuse of "not being ready" and shove it up his asshole. He expects me to sit around and wait for him. He expects me to fuck him when he wants, and "not go public". I don't roll like that buddy. I wasn't ever going to be like that. It was just hard for me to just let him go completely, he was my first love. But it was all a joke. Just like every other relationship I've ever had. Jokes. When will I get something real?
Peace. Feel free to leave some feedback..