(no subject)
the frequency of my posts has diminished...
and the posts i do make sum up so much that has happened.
without begging you to read... i am.
my life is really strange these days. when i look around i have no idea how i got here.
i mean, i do know. i remember the events. but i don't understand how they changed me. i changed.
i am less motivated. i am less artistic. i have little inspiration.
what have i lost?
i want to understand the exact moment when it all changed so i can take it back. erase it.
try to undo whatever it was that made me the way i am now.
when i smoke, i am less eager to wrap my brain around ideas,
i used to want to do things. make things. read things. talk
...these days i just want to sleep.
there is comfort in dreams.
i care about money. and appearance. and being with someone.
am i just growing up?
one thing hasn't changed. i still give too much of myself to those who don't appreciate me.
i am unhappy.
i have no idea how i am doing in school. i am scared.
what will be the number that defines my performance this semester?
god, please do not let it be below a 3.0
it worries me endlessly.
the period for feedback on assignments at trinity is much lengthier.
then there is this whole issue of friends. i am lonely.
and i think it's because i have lost any definition of who i am. because i always used other people to define myself. now there are no guidelines, and the image i project is clearly conflicting. i fear that i appear unapproachable... when really i am just scared.
i feel like i've lost some deeper understanding of life that not everyone possesses.
so cliche.
i used to see past the bullshit.
and i could ignore the influence.
turn on, tune in, drop out.
but now, i am living the opposite...
i am caught up in all that is boring, but i can't escape it.
which is most unfortunate because i'm still aware of the other side.
[i'm tired of everyone i see in the street and on tv. i hate them all. i hate myself for hating them all. so i drink so more. i love them all. i'll drink even more. i'll hate them even more than i did before. i know what's waiting for me on the other side]
music. music. music.
what is potentially the largest influence on everything in my life has to play a part in all this.
and this is what i've chalked it up to:
i associate each chapter in my life with music. those chapters exist every time the music plays. i connect songs with memories. emotions with lyrics. and when i hear those same songs over and over i am doomed to continue to live in those memories. i haven't found any new music in a while. i think i need the music to pull me out of it. all the meaningful lyrics i'm aware of are already filed in my brain with some significance. i continue to repeat the same thoughts, and memories, and i yearn for a past which i can never get back.
i want a really good english teacher. i used to think i could write.
can i? i don't know. i write most essays a day or two before they're due...
and i revise once or twice. i make above eighty percent every time...
so what if i actually tried? what if i really understood the things i say?
i want to take a grammar class that is pure torture
and then maybe i will have some greater appreciation of writing
instead of taking advantage of a natural ability for mediocre sentences.
i suppose i can write better than some.
but i want a reader to feel the way i feel.
i can't do that.
college has stolen reading from me as well.
now i read and i have to, have to, hate to absorb. i dread it.
i highlight as i go along.
frequently, the thing i enjoy most about reading is highlighting.
same with my physics notes. because i can use color.
when things i read excite different emotions in me, i highlight them in different colors.
reading has become a chore.
i want to read for pleasure again.
i want to find a book like perks of being a wallflower.
a book that helps me define me.
i had those books before, and i guess they're still relevant...
but i am different. and those books, like the songs, are connected with the past.
what am i doing? recommend books to me, and songs and bands. and places to go. and things to do. tell me about problems i can become passionate about. i need direction.
and i guess i always need someone else to help me define it.
and the posts i do make sum up so much that has happened.
without begging you to read... i am.
my life is really strange these days. when i look around i have no idea how i got here.
i mean, i do know. i remember the events. but i don't understand how they changed me. i changed.
i am less motivated. i am less artistic. i have little inspiration.
what have i lost?
i want to understand the exact moment when it all changed so i can take it back. erase it.
try to undo whatever it was that made me the way i am now.
when i smoke, i am less eager to wrap my brain around ideas,
i used to want to do things. make things. read things. talk
...these days i just want to sleep.
there is comfort in dreams.
i care about money. and appearance. and being with someone.
am i just growing up?
one thing hasn't changed. i still give too much of myself to those who don't appreciate me.
i am unhappy.
i have no idea how i am doing in school. i am scared.
what will be the number that defines my performance this semester?
god, please do not let it be below a 3.0
it worries me endlessly.
the period for feedback on assignments at trinity is much lengthier.
then there is this whole issue of friends. i am lonely.
and i think it's because i have lost any definition of who i am. because i always used other people to define myself. now there are no guidelines, and the image i project is clearly conflicting. i fear that i appear unapproachable... when really i am just scared.
i feel like i've lost some deeper understanding of life that not everyone possesses.
so cliche.
i used to see past the bullshit.
and i could ignore the influence.
turn on, tune in, drop out.
but now, i am living the opposite...
i am caught up in all that is boring, but i can't escape it.
which is most unfortunate because i'm still aware of the other side.
[i'm tired of everyone i see in the street and on tv. i hate them all. i hate myself for hating them all. so i drink so more. i love them all. i'll drink even more. i'll hate them even more than i did before. i know what's waiting for me on the other side]
music. music. music.
what is potentially the largest influence on everything in my life has to play a part in all this.
and this is what i've chalked it up to:
i associate each chapter in my life with music. those chapters exist every time the music plays. i connect songs with memories. emotions with lyrics. and when i hear those same songs over and over i am doomed to continue to live in those memories. i haven't found any new music in a while. i think i need the music to pull me out of it. all the meaningful lyrics i'm aware of are already filed in my brain with some significance. i continue to repeat the same thoughts, and memories, and i yearn for a past which i can never get back.
i want a really good english teacher. i used to think i could write.
can i? i don't know. i write most essays a day or two before they're due...
and i revise once or twice. i make above eighty percent every time...
so what if i actually tried? what if i really understood the things i say?
i want to take a grammar class that is pure torture
and then maybe i will have some greater appreciation of writing
instead of taking advantage of a natural ability for mediocre sentences.
i suppose i can write better than some.
but i want a reader to feel the way i feel.
i can't do that.
college has stolen reading from me as well.
now i read and i have to, have to, hate to absorb. i dread it.
i highlight as i go along.
frequently, the thing i enjoy most about reading is highlighting.
same with my physics notes. because i can use color.
when things i read excite different emotions in me, i highlight them in different colors.
reading has become a chore.
i want to read for pleasure again.
i want to find a book like perks of being a wallflower.
a book that helps me define me.
i had those books before, and i guess they're still relevant...
but i am different. and those books, like the songs, are connected with the past.
what am i doing? recommend books to me, and songs and bands. and places to go. and things to do. tell me about problems i can become passionate about. i need direction.
and i guess i always need someone else to help me define it.