Level Nine Emo
This is going to sound completely and utterly dramatic but; I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
I feel completely cheated and put out by Mark's decision to end everything. Back in May we had a talk, and during that talk I told him that I could not just be the girl he was seeing kind of- if we were going to be something ok let's try it but if not I needed time away and maybe I could be his friend, but not right then it was too much. He very calmly told me that he respected my decision, but he didn't think that a relationship would be a good idea. We agreed not to see each other for awhile and let things simmer down. I left our talk devestated- I was hoping that the idea of me not being around would make him want to try it out again.
The next day he texted and e-mailed me more than usual. He called me at nine at night and asked to come over. He told me it hit him like a ton of bricks- he loved me and didn't want to go that long without seeing me. He wanted to give it a try put all of our many differences aside and give it a try.
Things went well for a bit, and then we started fighting. Many little reasons, but ultimately I was picking fights because I felt like he didn't see who I was. I wanted him to know me, so I would point out some of my traits to him and I let him know that the fact that he didn't see them concerned me about the ultimateness of our relationship. Monday we had a fight and a misunderstanding and that led to a week long fight in which he began to question us. He talked about somethings with me on Wednesday and he let me know that he had to think about us and wanted me to do the same. So I did, I thought about how different we actually were and what I thouht the best course was and the thought of him being gone killed me. I didn't want to end it- I wanted to try it. Really hardcore give it a shot. I had been a little hesitant with everything because I had a hard time believing that over night his feelings would change so I held back a little the entire time. But, with the consideration of everything and finally hearing his side of things- I was convinced we could work it out. Then he let me know that he didn't agree- that he still loved me but didn't see us ultimately working out because he didn't see me accepting enough. And I'm angry- I let him know that the events that had transpired had changed the way I saw things. That the thought of losing him made me sick; I asked him to give me the chance I gave him back in May and he couldn't even give me that.
And now, for the first time since Rob and I broke up, I won't be speaking to an ex. I am so angry with him for doing this to me. I'm not trying to play the victim- I started the fights- but I feel like he asked me to believe him that in a VERY short time your feelings can change, and I tried had a hard time but tried. I ask the same of him- and he can't be bothered. I don't know how I'm going to get his stuff back to him- I don't think I could see him. I don't want to ask friends to do it- I don't think that's fair. I think I'm going to leave it how I left updating facebook statuses- I'll let him do it. If he wants his things back, he can make arrangements to come and get it. And I'll make sure that when he does I'm going to look insanely sexy, and I'm not going to cry. I'm going to engage in polite conversation, maybe I'll even bring Aiden and let him see him for a bit. But, I honestly think that it might kill me.
I feel completely cheated and put out by Mark's decision to end everything. Back in May we had a talk, and during that talk I told him that I could not just be the girl he was seeing kind of- if we were going to be something ok let's try it but if not I needed time away and maybe I could be his friend, but not right then it was too much. He very calmly told me that he respected my decision, but he didn't think that a relationship would be a good idea. We agreed not to see each other for awhile and let things simmer down. I left our talk devestated- I was hoping that the idea of me not being around would make him want to try it out again.
The next day he texted and e-mailed me more than usual. He called me at nine at night and asked to come over. He told me it hit him like a ton of bricks- he loved me and didn't want to go that long without seeing me. He wanted to give it a try put all of our many differences aside and give it a try.
Things went well for a bit, and then we started fighting. Many little reasons, but ultimately I was picking fights because I felt like he didn't see who I was. I wanted him to know me, so I would point out some of my traits to him and I let him know that the fact that he didn't see them concerned me about the ultimateness of our relationship. Monday we had a fight and a misunderstanding and that led to a week long fight in which he began to question us. He talked about somethings with me on Wednesday and he let me know that he had to think about us and wanted me to do the same. So I did, I thought about how different we actually were and what I thouht the best course was and the thought of him being gone killed me. I didn't want to end it- I wanted to try it. Really hardcore give it a shot. I had been a little hesitant with everything because I had a hard time believing that over night his feelings would change so I held back a little the entire time. But, with the consideration of everything and finally hearing his side of things- I was convinced we could work it out. Then he let me know that he didn't agree- that he still loved me but didn't see us ultimately working out because he didn't see me accepting enough. And I'm angry- I let him know that the events that had transpired had changed the way I saw things. That the thought of losing him made me sick; I asked him to give me the chance I gave him back in May and he couldn't even give me that.
And now, for the first time since Rob and I broke up, I won't be speaking to an ex. I am so angry with him for doing this to me. I'm not trying to play the victim- I started the fights- but I feel like he asked me to believe him that in a VERY short time your feelings can change, and I tried had a hard time but tried. I ask the same of him- and he can't be bothered. I don't know how I'm going to get his stuff back to him- I don't think I could see him. I don't want to ask friends to do it- I don't think that's fair. I think I'm going to leave it how I left updating facebook statuses- I'll let him do it. If he wants his things back, he can make arrangements to come and get it. And I'll make sure that when he does I'm going to look insanely sexy, and I'm not going to cry. I'm going to engage in polite conversation, maybe I'll even bring Aiden and let him see him for a bit. But, I honestly think that it might kill me.