Fanfiction: Someday, I'll Breathe Again, Necessary Roughness, PG
Title: Someday, I’ll Breathe Again
Author:
goodisrelative
Rating: PG
Spoilers: through S1 Ep 12
Character/Pairing: Nico Careles, Dani Santino, Terrence “TK” King; totally Careles/Santino
Summary: And you told me once that he never lies, so it has to be true.
Author's note: Thanks to ET,
bets_cyn for the beta and
brokenroots for the encouragement.
The title is a line from Sara Bareilles’ “Breathe Again”. The chorus goes All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe, holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something. Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again.
Honestly, I hate titles… they are the hardest thing for me to settle on 95% of the time. And so, most times, it’s lyrics that strike a chord. Too many lines catch my fancy and sometimes it’s a forced fit, but usually the lines find a fic home, many times on a story I wasn’t expecting it to fit with. But music is a huge part of my life. I would go insane with silence. And I am getting way distracted!
This is a short reaction to the finale. Nothing gets “fixed” (i.e. technically Matt still is in the picture) but it sets in motion what could fix things for those of us who feel Matt just isn’t right for her.
Nico watched her talk to and comfort every man on the team and then the staff. She held them, cried with them, smiled at them - reassured them all. He knew she would disagree with his assessment, but he was certain of it: she was the heart of this team. He couldn’t explain how it happened, other than to state it was just Doctor Santino. But it was crystal clear in this time of crisis and he would challenge anyone - even her - to deny the facts he could provide if pressed.
He wouldn’t let himself think about earlier, when Matt had come down her stairs. He only allowed himself to frown when he first realized Matt wasn’t even sitting near her, offering her silent support. Instead he kept his focus on observing everyone, keeping the press at bay and supporting her silently with coffee and then after six cups, water, as she helped them all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dani sat back in her horribly uncomfortable hospital chair and closed her eyes as she leaned her head against the wall, completely spent. She have never thought about the meaning of that phrase before, but tonight, tonight she understood completely what it meant. Now that she’d comforted every player, coach, staff there was on the Hawks. She frowned; everyone but one. She knew Nico was around; the endless supply of coffee - just the way she preferred it - and then later endless bottles of water to combat dehydration testified to that.
She opened her eyes and sat up straight again, eyes going around the room - taking in each person. She frowned again; Matt wasn’t there, and some of the lower level staff were gone. Had Matt left when the doctor told them to go home? She had no idea and honestly didn’t - couldn’t - bring herself to care. She continued her scan of the room, finally finding Nico off to her side, close enough to be near if she needed him, yet far enough away for the wall always there.
For a brief moment she recalled the look on his face when Matt came down her stairs - he’d been hurt and surprised. Dani had recognized the power play Matt was making - she was inexperienced but neither stupid nor naïve. She didn’t understand why Matt had felt it necessary but she knew she hadn’t liked it at all. Dani sighed, even if Matt had been here, this was not the time or place to have the conversation she was going to have with him about it.
She needed space; she needed time to handle this crisis herself. She knew she’d splinter into a thousand pieces soon if she didn’t and then she wouldn’t be there for the team again later when they’d need her again. But first, she knew she had to make sure one last person was okay - he was the glue that held this team, this organization, together and if he broke, she knew they were all doomed. They were all lost without him - even her. Maybe especially her.
He straightened as she approached. “Nico,” she spoke softly - not wanting to disturb the others and just not having the energy to be louder. She stumbled into leaning against the wall - needing something to help keep her upright.
“Doctor Santino, you should really sit down.” He spoke quietly, a hand going to her elbow to help steady her.
She shook her head, closed her eyes and took a deep breath - reaching for strength she wasn’t sure she possessed. Then she opened her eyes and looked directly into his and asked, “How are you doing, Nico? Thank you for the coffee and then later the water.”
Nico blinked at her, seeing the new strength in her that hadn’t been in her tired eyes a moment ago. Where did she find her strength? She’d been ready to collapse a moment ago and now she was concerned about him. She was constantly amazing him.
“I am fine, Doctor Santino. It is you who need to rest. You’ve seen to the team and the staff. Now you need to see to yourself.”
Dani caught herself as she felt her body sway towards him. I just want to lay my head on his chest and drink in his strength. God, she was more exhausted than she had thought! Those thoughts were dangerous. She could not lean on him like that - or anyone at all. It was a luxury she no longer had.
“Let me find Donnally for you.” Nico spoke, releasing her arm. He couldn’t stop his next words - which told him just how tired he was. “I don’t know what possessed him to leave you.”
“No!” She spoke too loudly, too sharply and reached out to grab Nico’s arm to stop him. “I am fine,” she insisted. “I don’t care where Matt disappeared to. I just need a few minutes to myself. If anyone needs me, I’ll just be…” She looked around, unsure where she could go.
“The nurse’s lounge is around the corner, third door on the left.” Nico told her. He debated a half a second. “I will take you.”
“I am sure I can find it, Nico,” Dani gave a token protest and pushed herself off the wall.
“Doctor Santino, you look ready to fall over if one of the nurses looked at you cross-eyed.” Nico gave her what Dani privately called the Patent Nico Stare - one eyebrow raised as if daring someone to contradict him. She found it annoying he was always right. He watched her a moment then added quietly, “You don’t need to be strong every second.”
“Yes, I do. The team depends on me; my kids depend on me.” Dani argued, but rested her head against his arm as he guided her to the nurse’s lounge. Leaning on him wasn’t exactly the same as falling into his arms. She half lied to herself.
“Not twenty-four hours, seven days a week. Whether you admit it or not, Doctor, you are the heart of this team and even you need to lean on someone once in a while. I will not let you break - even if that means protecting you from yourself,” Nico spoke quietly once they were in the lounge, alone.
Dani’s mind slowly processed her own words. “Nico! My kids! They can’t find out… This will kill Ray Jay.” Dani panicked, fear giving her energy to pace.
“You are in no condition to drive. I will have Xeno go pick them up and bring them here, on one condition.” Nico grabbed her arms to force her to stop pacing, to calm her. He smiled as she looked up at him suspiciously. “You rest until they get here.”
“I don’t know if I can, Nico. I know my body needs to; I am exhausted. But there is so much going through my mind, there is no way I can. I need…” Dani sighed. Her mind recalled her words to him - was that only a night ago? “A friend,” she whispered.
Nico looked down at his watch. It was three am here in New York, which put it nine am in Barcelona. He was fairly certain she meant she wished she could talk to the blonde - Jeanette.
“Stay here. Sit. Try to rest. Let me take care of this.” Nico ordered.
“You always do, Nico. You are the glue that holds us, this team, this organization, together,” she whispered and curled up on the loveseat as he walked out of the door.
Fifteen minutes later he returned to the nurse’s lounge to find her still curled up, eyes closed.
“Nico?” she spoke softly.
“Here. I have someone who would like to speak to you.” Nico passed her his iPad.
“Danielle Santino! You look like hell!” Jeanette’s voice sounded throughout the room. Nico reached over and turned down the volume.
“Jeanette, what?! How?!” Dani looked from the iPad screen to Nico and back.
“Tall, dark and scary there must have made some phone calls and someone knocked on my door five minutes ago with this iPad thingie and then he was on the screen telling me you needed a friend, and here we are.” Jeanette shrugged.
Dani looked over to where Nico had been only a second ago, but all she found was the door closing slowly.
Dani sighed. “He always knows what I need. Oh, Jeanette, everything is crazy! TK’s been shot and I did something stupid and I think I totally messed up something I didn’t know I wanted until right this second and….” Dani let it all pour out of her.
“Oh sweetie, I…” Jeanette sighed.
“Don’t you DARE say you shouldn’t have left! Or that you are coming back!” Dani quickly cut in, fiercely stopping her friend’s words. “You needed to do this! It’s time for your dreams, Jeanette.”
“We should have made tall, dark and scary do this sooner!” Jeanette giggled. But a moment later she was serious again. “You’ve done all you can for the Hawks and TK, Dani. You are their rock - actually, more like their heart. But you need to grieve, too, and now is that time so you can be there for them again later.”
“Nico said that to me earlier - that I am the heart of the team,” Dani spoke softly.
“He’s a smart, all knowing, scary man, but definitely smart. And you told me once that he never lies, so it has to be true.” Jeanette tilted her head, hands on her hips.
“True. He’s the glue, though, Jeanette, that holds this team together. I worry about him.”
“Let’s deal with Matt next, Dan.” Jeanette switched to the easier topic. “It got all messed up with the job thing, but you know as well as I do, Dan, that he was just a one nightstand. A really hot one, but still a one nightstand. He was to get you over Ray and see yourself as the hot, sexy woman we both know you are. He’s not a keeper, though, sweetie, not for you. And Margo is an idiot! What possessed you to listen to her?! You know she just wants to live vicariously through us for crazy hot sex!”
Dani laughed. “Jeanette, I’ve missed you so much. And you are right - I should have found a way to set this video chat stuff up earlier!” She sighed. “Sometimes I feel fifty years older than him.”
“Because he’s not for you, Dan. You never were the party-girl clubber that fits him right now. You are a fantastic mother of two who has always fought to be the responsible, steady one.” Jeanette told her friend honestly. Then she grinned. “Now, tall, dark and hunky is a whole other matter, Dani! He’s there for the long haul. He’s gorgeous in that whole dark mysterious thing, steady as a rock, and strong enough to let you be you. He doesn’t fear strong, independent women like Ray did. He’s always there to support you in ways Matt can’t even see.”
“I think I messed that up with this evening and Matt.” Dani hung her head; her back was to the door and she’d shifted enough so that Jeanette had a partial view of the doorway.
“Oh, honey, that may have surprised and disappointed him, but I am positive that it means nothing in the long haul.” Jeanette was smiling, but Dani wasn’t looking at the screen and missed it.
“Jeanette, what am I even doing? The ink on my divorce papers is barely dry, I didn’t even think about him as more than a friend - at least consciously - until tonight, and that was because I saw how hurt he was because I was with another man. How can he even trust me now?”
“I think that’s a question best answered by tall, dark and scary.”
Dani could hear the laughter in her friend’s voice and lifted her head to look at Jeanette on the small screen. “What are you talking about, Jeanette?”
“Look behind you, sweetie. I’ll catch you later.”
Jeanette signed off and the screen in her hands went blank. Dani put the thing down in her lap and buried her head in her hands, refusing to look behind her. “How long were you there?” she mumbled softly.
“Neither of us are ready or in any shape for that conversation, Danielle,” he answered quietly, walking over to her. He rested a hand on her shoulder and she lifted her head to look up at him. “I won’t let you shatter.”
She knew he was right - they weren’t ready and this was not the time or place. She stood up, his hand sliding down her arm to her elbow to stead her. This time, she gave in and rested her head against his chest. His arms slid around her, anchoring her to him, and she finally let her tears and fears free.
He held her silently, giving her silent strength, knowing she was crying for TK, scared to death she was losing one of her own.
“The doctor was telling the truth, wasn’t he, Nico? TK is going to be okay? Vivica, too?” she raised her head long moments later, looking him in the eyes.
“Yes. Vivica will be okay. As will Terrence. They both will need rehab. I am afraid you have a lot of work ahead of you again with him, Doctor Santino.” He smiled down at her.
She took a deep breath and then a step back from him. “Thank you, Nico.”
“Anytime, Danielle.”
She just smiled at him, and then walked over to the small kitchenette sink and washed her face.
“Your kids are in with Terrence now. They’d already heard about the shooting and TK was awake for a bit.”
Dani slipped her hand into his, tangling her fingers with his. “You really are scary, Nico. You always know what I need.” She smiled as they headed out of the lounge to see her kids.
“But not tall and dark?” He quirked an eyebrow up when she spun to look at him.
Dani laughed softly and shook her head. She was so not answering that!
Author:
goodisrelative
Rating: PG
Spoilers: through S1 Ep 12
Character/Pairing: Nico Careles, Dani Santino, Terrence “TK” King; totally Careles/Santino
Summary: And you told me once that he never lies, so it has to be true.
Author's note: Thanks to ET,
bets_cyn for the beta and
brokenroots for the encouragement.
The title is a line from Sara Bareilles’ “Breathe Again”. The chorus goes All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe, holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something. Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again.
Honestly, I hate titles… they are the hardest thing for me to settle on 95% of the time. And so, most times, it’s lyrics that strike a chord. Too many lines catch my fancy and sometimes it’s a forced fit, but usually the lines find a fic home, many times on a story I wasn’t expecting it to fit with. But music is a huge part of my life. I would go insane with silence. And I am getting way distracted!
This is a short reaction to the finale. Nothing gets “fixed” (i.e. technically Matt still is in the picture) but it sets in motion what could fix things for those of us who feel Matt just isn’t right for her.
Nico watched her talk to and comfort every man on the team and then the staff. She held them, cried with them, smiled at them - reassured them all. He knew she would disagree with his assessment, but he was certain of it: she was the heart of this team. He couldn’t explain how it happened, other than to state it was just Doctor Santino. But it was crystal clear in this time of crisis and he would challenge anyone - even her - to deny the facts he could provide if pressed.
He wouldn’t let himself think about earlier, when Matt had come down her stairs. He only allowed himself to frown when he first realized Matt wasn’t even sitting near her, offering her silent support. Instead he kept his focus on observing everyone, keeping the press at bay and supporting her silently with coffee and then after six cups, water, as she helped them all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dani sat back in her horribly uncomfortable hospital chair and closed her eyes as she leaned her head against the wall, completely spent. She have never thought about the meaning of that phrase before, but tonight, tonight she understood completely what it meant. Now that she’d comforted every player, coach, staff there was on the Hawks. She frowned; everyone but one. She knew Nico was around; the endless supply of coffee - just the way she preferred it - and then later endless bottles of water to combat dehydration testified to that.
She opened her eyes and sat up straight again, eyes going around the room - taking in each person. She frowned again; Matt wasn’t there, and some of the lower level staff were gone. Had Matt left when the doctor told them to go home? She had no idea and honestly didn’t - couldn’t - bring herself to care. She continued her scan of the room, finally finding Nico off to her side, close enough to be near if she needed him, yet far enough away for the wall always there.
For a brief moment she recalled the look on his face when Matt came down her stairs - he’d been hurt and surprised. Dani had recognized the power play Matt was making - she was inexperienced but neither stupid nor naïve. She didn’t understand why Matt had felt it necessary but she knew she hadn’t liked it at all. Dani sighed, even if Matt had been here, this was not the time or place to have the conversation she was going to have with him about it.
She needed space; she needed time to handle this crisis herself. She knew she’d splinter into a thousand pieces soon if she didn’t and then she wouldn’t be there for the team again later when they’d need her again. But first, she knew she had to make sure one last person was okay - he was the glue that held this team, this organization, together and if he broke, she knew they were all doomed. They were all lost without him - even her. Maybe especially her.
He straightened as she approached. “Nico,” she spoke softly - not wanting to disturb the others and just not having the energy to be louder. She stumbled into leaning against the wall - needing something to help keep her upright.
“Doctor Santino, you should really sit down.” He spoke quietly, a hand going to her elbow to help steady her.
She shook her head, closed her eyes and took a deep breath - reaching for strength she wasn’t sure she possessed. Then she opened her eyes and looked directly into his and asked, “How are you doing, Nico? Thank you for the coffee and then later the water.”
Nico blinked at her, seeing the new strength in her that hadn’t been in her tired eyes a moment ago. Where did she find her strength? She’d been ready to collapse a moment ago and now she was concerned about him. She was constantly amazing him.
“I am fine, Doctor Santino. It is you who need to rest. You’ve seen to the team and the staff. Now you need to see to yourself.”
Dani caught herself as she felt her body sway towards him. I just want to lay my head on his chest and drink in his strength. God, she was more exhausted than she had thought! Those thoughts were dangerous. She could not lean on him like that - or anyone at all. It was a luxury she no longer had.
“Let me find Donnally for you.” Nico spoke, releasing her arm. He couldn’t stop his next words - which told him just how tired he was. “I don’t know what possessed him to leave you.”
“No!” She spoke too loudly, too sharply and reached out to grab Nico’s arm to stop him. “I am fine,” she insisted. “I don’t care where Matt disappeared to. I just need a few minutes to myself. If anyone needs me, I’ll just be…” She looked around, unsure where she could go.
“The nurse’s lounge is around the corner, third door on the left.” Nico told her. He debated a half a second. “I will take you.”
“I am sure I can find it, Nico,” Dani gave a token protest and pushed herself off the wall.
“Doctor Santino, you look ready to fall over if one of the nurses looked at you cross-eyed.” Nico gave her what Dani privately called the Patent Nico Stare - one eyebrow raised as if daring someone to contradict him. She found it annoying he was always right. He watched her a moment then added quietly, “You don’t need to be strong every second.”
“Yes, I do. The team depends on me; my kids depend on me.” Dani argued, but rested her head against his arm as he guided her to the nurse’s lounge. Leaning on him wasn’t exactly the same as falling into his arms. She half lied to herself.
“Not twenty-four hours, seven days a week. Whether you admit it or not, Doctor, you are the heart of this team and even you need to lean on someone once in a while. I will not let you break - even if that means protecting you from yourself,” Nico spoke quietly once they were in the lounge, alone.
Dani’s mind slowly processed her own words. “Nico! My kids! They can’t find out… This will kill Ray Jay.” Dani panicked, fear giving her energy to pace.
“You are in no condition to drive. I will have Xeno go pick them up and bring them here, on one condition.” Nico grabbed her arms to force her to stop pacing, to calm her. He smiled as she looked up at him suspiciously. “You rest until they get here.”
“I don’t know if I can, Nico. I know my body needs to; I am exhausted. But there is so much going through my mind, there is no way I can. I need…” Dani sighed. Her mind recalled her words to him - was that only a night ago? “A friend,” she whispered.
Nico looked down at his watch. It was three am here in New York, which put it nine am in Barcelona. He was fairly certain she meant she wished she could talk to the blonde - Jeanette.
“Stay here. Sit. Try to rest. Let me take care of this.” Nico ordered.
“You always do, Nico. You are the glue that holds us, this team, this organization, together,” she whispered and curled up on the loveseat as he walked out of the door.
Fifteen minutes later he returned to the nurse’s lounge to find her still curled up, eyes closed.
“Nico?” she spoke softly.
“Here. I have someone who would like to speak to you.” Nico passed her his iPad.
“Danielle Santino! You look like hell!” Jeanette’s voice sounded throughout the room. Nico reached over and turned down the volume.
“Jeanette, what?! How?!” Dani looked from the iPad screen to Nico and back.
“Tall, dark and scary there must have made some phone calls and someone knocked on my door five minutes ago with this iPad thingie and then he was on the screen telling me you needed a friend, and here we are.” Jeanette shrugged.
Dani looked over to where Nico had been only a second ago, but all she found was the door closing slowly.
Dani sighed. “He always knows what I need. Oh, Jeanette, everything is crazy! TK’s been shot and I did something stupid and I think I totally messed up something I didn’t know I wanted until right this second and….” Dani let it all pour out of her.
“Oh sweetie, I…” Jeanette sighed.
“Don’t you DARE say you shouldn’t have left! Or that you are coming back!” Dani quickly cut in, fiercely stopping her friend’s words. “You needed to do this! It’s time for your dreams, Jeanette.”
“We should have made tall, dark and scary do this sooner!” Jeanette giggled. But a moment later she was serious again. “You’ve done all you can for the Hawks and TK, Dani. You are their rock - actually, more like their heart. But you need to grieve, too, and now is that time so you can be there for them again later.”
“Nico said that to me earlier - that I am the heart of the team,” Dani spoke softly.
“He’s a smart, all knowing, scary man, but definitely smart. And you told me once that he never lies, so it has to be true.” Jeanette tilted her head, hands on her hips.
“True. He’s the glue, though, Jeanette, that holds this team together. I worry about him.”
“Let’s deal with Matt next, Dan.” Jeanette switched to the easier topic. “It got all messed up with the job thing, but you know as well as I do, Dan, that he was just a one nightstand. A really hot one, but still a one nightstand. He was to get you over Ray and see yourself as the hot, sexy woman we both know you are. He’s not a keeper, though, sweetie, not for you. And Margo is an idiot! What possessed you to listen to her?! You know she just wants to live vicariously through us for crazy hot sex!”
Dani laughed. “Jeanette, I’ve missed you so much. And you are right - I should have found a way to set this video chat stuff up earlier!” She sighed. “Sometimes I feel fifty years older than him.”
“Because he’s not for you, Dan. You never were the party-girl clubber that fits him right now. You are a fantastic mother of two who has always fought to be the responsible, steady one.” Jeanette told her friend honestly. Then she grinned. “Now, tall, dark and hunky is a whole other matter, Dani! He’s there for the long haul. He’s gorgeous in that whole dark mysterious thing, steady as a rock, and strong enough to let you be you. He doesn’t fear strong, independent women like Ray did. He’s always there to support you in ways Matt can’t even see.”
“I think I messed that up with this evening and Matt.” Dani hung her head; her back was to the door and she’d shifted enough so that Jeanette had a partial view of the doorway.
“Oh, honey, that may have surprised and disappointed him, but I am positive that it means nothing in the long haul.” Jeanette was smiling, but Dani wasn’t looking at the screen and missed it.
“Jeanette, what am I even doing? The ink on my divorce papers is barely dry, I didn’t even think about him as more than a friend - at least consciously - until tonight, and that was because I saw how hurt he was because I was with another man. How can he even trust me now?”
“I think that’s a question best answered by tall, dark and scary.”
Dani could hear the laughter in her friend’s voice and lifted her head to look at Jeanette on the small screen. “What are you talking about, Jeanette?”
“Look behind you, sweetie. I’ll catch you later.”
Jeanette signed off and the screen in her hands went blank. Dani put the thing down in her lap and buried her head in her hands, refusing to look behind her. “How long were you there?” she mumbled softly.
“Neither of us are ready or in any shape for that conversation, Danielle,” he answered quietly, walking over to her. He rested a hand on her shoulder and she lifted her head to look up at him. “I won’t let you shatter.”
She knew he was right - they weren’t ready and this was not the time or place. She stood up, his hand sliding down her arm to her elbow to stead her. This time, she gave in and rested her head against his chest. His arms slid around her, anchoring her to him, and she finally let her tears and fears free.
He held her silently, giving her silent strength, knowing she was crying for TK, scared to death she was losing one of her own.
“The doctor was telling the truth, wasn’t he, Nico? TK is going to be okay? Vivica, too?” she raised her head long moments later, looking him in the eyes.
“Yes. Vivica will be okay. As will Terrence. They both will need rehab. I am afraid you have a lot of work ahead of you again with him, Doctor Santino.” He smiled down at her.
She took a deep breath and then a step back from him. “Thank you, Nico.”
“Anytime, Danielle.”
She just smiled at him, and then walked over to the small kitchenette sink and washed her face.
“Your kids are in with Terrence now. They’d already heard about the shooting and TK was awake for a bit.”
Dani slipped her hand into his, tangling her fingers with his. “You really are scary, Nico. You always know what I need.” She smiled as they headed out of the lounge to see her kids.
“But not tall and dark?” He quirked an eyebrow up when she spun to look at him.
Dani laughed softly and shook her head. She was so not answering that!