Cleansing
I woke up today and decided it was time for a social media cleanse.
... Is what I want to say but the truth is that I lied in bed for an hour scrolling through instagram and twitter interchangeably until I felt like it was time to start the day because there was still work to get done.
Last night, after a volleyball session, Ting ting, Lars, Cliffton and I had a good talk about our deepest fears and life dreams (my favourite htht topics heuheu). I admit I was envious of how Tingting and Lars could so easily say that they were currently content with their lives and that their 'current goal' was just to maintain that level of happiness.
For the longest time, I've felt like I was searching for something, for answers and methods to reach my end goal. My end goals being: Living in japan and finding a partner to settle down with and achieve my life dream of being a happy mum with cute kids. I guess I didn't realise it but every time I felt like anything I did was a step away from this direction, I beat myself up about how my time is running out and I stress and worry about everything.
Social media definitely made it worse because I couldn't stop myself from admiring my 'friends' who were getting married, already married, or already raising their adorable months-old babies. And so I decided that if I was gonna give myself a break from rushing myself, I needed to separate myself from all that negativity.
I decided on a whim (kind of) that today was the day I start. Read some articles about how some people may find going cold turkey difficult, so I set my goal on tomorrow night. 2 days without social media and if I feel good about it, I may even extend it by a few more days.
And after a successful day of being off the socials, I can say this: I've never felt so much more liberated.
I don't think I realised how easily I let myself fill any bouts of free minutes with mindless scrolling of instagram or twitter before. Today, I picked up my phone multiple times between finishing my curriculum work to just stare at the screen and realise that there was nothing for me to do on my phone (granted, I already finished my check on Pocket Camp). And then I got back to work. Amazingly, I completed the work I had to finish just slightly after dinner and have free time to relax before I turn in early tonight. After posting this, I still have some free time I've reserved for re-reading my favourite book, The Little Prince. I'm even planning to schedule in a run some time this week, which is something I haven't done for the past 2 months!
It's been just one day off the socials but I already feel like I have so much more time on my hands and I don't feel so exhausted physically (my eyes have been so pain and itchy the past few days because of all the screen time on my phone and doing work). I've also found the answers to some questions that I've been thinking about for years:
- Why I don't talk to my 'best friend' on a daily basis through text anymore: If I can broadcast what I'm up to online for everyone to see, it diminishes the need to strike up a personal conversation on "what are you up to today?" "how about you?".
Without my socials, I'm more ready to initiate a conversation with the people I need to talk to through a personal text.
- I usually turn off my socials feeling bad and lousy about my position in life.
Without a platform for me to constantly compare myself to others, I have the time I need to focus on myself and really think about how I want to spend the next few minutes just for myself. Does it really matter what anyone else is doing?
- With the free time I have, I can actually prioritise what I need to get done without getting distracted.
I actually remembered today that I have yet to complete the VLJ online japanese lessons! I even have the capacity to think about when I can schedule it in the coming days.
But of course, I have another set of worries now that I'm off my socials too. Can't help but think about these things, right?
- What if people are reaching out to me through my insta/twitter and asking me something that I'm currently not able to see and it'd seem like I'm ghosting them??
But come on, who even texts/messages me about anything important on my socials nowadays. I'm not gonna kid myself. People don't usually talk to me anyway.
- How am I going to keep in touch with what my favourite celebrities are doing? What's Alex Gaskarth thinking right now? Where's Johnny's West performing this week?
And then I realised... when did my life start to chase after theirs instead of me dedicating my spare time to them? Why are they a priority now instead of my own business?? If I really need or want to find out what they're up to, I will. When I have the time and when I want to.
So this is all I have to report for my first day of my social media cleanse. It does feel great. I mean, I always knew that'd doing a cleanse would 'free up' my time, but I didn't know it'd also free up my head space for me to focus on myself for the first time in a really long while. Looking forward to spending a bit more time with myself and learning more about me in the coming days. :)