2020 update
Rude awakening today.
Opened up my lj to realise my layout was all screwed up because photobucket has been vapourised or something (turns out all my images were from there. If you ask me now, I won't even remember what my background image was to be very honest.). Before I knew anything, I switched away from the Flexible Squares theme, which was apparently a grave mistake because now I'll never be able to customise my theme again. Boo. I've settled for this harmless looking one because I don't want 14 year old me to be channeled into 25 year old me and obsess over how I should make this journal look as special as it can with subtle hints of my favourite things slipped into the theme. Reminder: NOBODY CARES.
But the rude awakening wasn't just from the watermarked images filling my vision, but the fact that the first post glaring back at me was one from January 2019. That was one year and almost four months ago!!! I can't believe it's been so long since my last post. It didn't feel like it. Anyway, it made me want to post something for the first time in 2020.
A lot of things have changed since my last post in 2019 (most of which revolved around my messy feelings over a friend, which I think I've become numb to rather than accept, but that's another story for another time). So many things have progressed, but I'm always grateful to have this space for my thoughts. I've always looked at livejournal with fondness because it's a safe space I've had to pin down all my feelings for the past 12-13 years. Whenever I'm down, not gonna lie, it still passes my mind, "I can pen these down in a livejournal post." In reality, that has never materialised, apparently, for the past 16 months, but hey I'm back again.
I've always been more of a dreamer than anything. A realistic dreamer, I'd say. I enjoy looking introspectively at what I've done, where I've been, and how far I've come. I think it helps me to stay sane and grounds me to realise how much I've grown. As much as I like watching Juniors grow up in Johnny's, I like to watch myself grow too. Livejournal is special to me because this journal has seen me through my adolescence and been with me as I've grown. From 2008 to 2010, I filled this space with daily updates, sometimes posting multiple times a day, and posts were so focused on just my Johnny's obsession. It's a shameful past, but I'm not ashamed of it, actually. I like to look back and remember that ahh, I was that kind of fangirl then. I also shared my raw feelings and insecurities of my secondary school life, centered around friends and volleyball trainings. Those were my favourite years of schooling and I'm glad I penned them down somewhere to revisit. Somehow, just thinking of how I posted those entries is enough to recall memories and emotions of those days itself. Memory is a strange thing.
From 2010 to 2011, my life was filled with U-Kiss and my increasing interest in kpop. After U-Kiss changed members in 2011, 2012 to mid 2014 was a life revolving around Infinite (still my only and favourite kpop group now). 2013 to 2016, my life was less of Johnny's and more of the best times of my university years. I know I posted frequently of my mental breakdowns from feeling so different from the rest of my coursemates, and I remember those feelings of inferiority too; that I worked so hard but things just didn't seem to work out. I wasn't fit for Accounting. I also went to Korea for an exchange programme in the second half of 2015, where my love for Johnny's was rekindled (strangely enough, while my interest in kpop dwindled the more I lived in the country). And then started my passion for Johnny's West. 2016 to 2017, I started my first job as an auditor after graduating and filled this space with negativity because those insecurities in uni surfaced again at work--I always felt like I didn't belong in the industry, even though I made some of the best friends and had an amazing group of friends to eat and work with every day. Then finally, the final leg linking up to today, I changed jobs in end 2017 and have been working at my current tuition centre since then.
It's crazy to reminisce on the past 10 years like this. It's crazy to think how far I've come. Some days, most days, I still feel myself dragging a heavy weight to work and earn the salary I do every month. In all honesty, I am exactly the type of person who is ready to marry a rich man and I aspire to do nothing every day except watch dramas, play games and fill the hours with my hobbies. But I'm still too young and poor for that, so I crawl from day to day. But that friend reminded me recently that I've gone from dreading my every days as an auditor, to slightly enjoying working as a teacher, and now I've worked my way to lend myself a job as an English teacher in Japan. Yes, I haven't mentioned that part yet. I qualified for the JET Program this year!
While we're at it, I must mention the true push factor to apply for JET last year, because up till last year I never felt ready to live in Japan on my own. But yes, it was a pure and simple reason. I wanted to be able to buy tickets and attend a Johnny's WEST concert without feeling like I was doing something illegal. 4 years ago, I foraged all communities available for anyone to help me get a concert ticket for West's 2016 Luckyyyyyyy7 Concert. A very kind soul on a johnny's west lj community came to my rescue, balloted, failed, and still bought tickets from an online resale site for me, mailed it to a friend's friend living in Japan so that when I went to visit Japan in January of 2016, I'd meet that friend's friend and miraculously, get my Johnny's West concert ticket. Again, livejournal has been an amazing companion and connecting instrument. But back to my main point (as I digress, what's new, I've been at it for 13 years now) -- I cried in January 2019 because I was so in love with Johnny's West (Kotaki Nozomu especially) and I literally cried at how I wasn't able to watch their WesTV concert live. I was frustrated. I was at a loss. I was helpless. And those feelings were really what drove me to not only apply for JET, but to sit for JLPT N2 last year (which I passed too, hooray!).
It's been an amazing year, really. Since 2020 began, I told myself that only two things could make or break my 2020: passing JLPT N2 and being accepted into the JET program. BOTH happened. It's unbelievable.
But alas, COVID-19 has befallen the world. So much uncertainty in the now, cases are shooting up like crazy around the globe and this global pandemic has put the world at a standstill. I don't even know if I'll be able to depart to Japan on the program as planned in September. And if it gets delayed, I don't know if tendering from my job in mid May (next month) would be wise. So many worries.
I've exhausted more or less evertything I've wanted to say. (I lie, I always want to say more. The 14 year old in me wants to tell this journal about the recent dramas I've been watching and my new interest in Sato Takeru, to catch my journal up on my past loves and obsessions with other actors like Yokohama Ryusei, Takeuchi Ryoma and Mackenyu, but I will leave these in parentheses before it becomes another monster of a paragraph on its own). (It's Koi wa Tsudukuyo, Doko Made mo. It's amazing and my current obsession, still, a month after finishing it.) But maybe that's why I haven't posted in so long -- I know that i'd end up penning down all my current thoughts, frivolous as they are. But I secretly enjoy looking back on these things so I'll write them down anyway. I don't know when's the next time I'll come back for another post. Till then, I hope this post will suffice for a while.