(no subject)
I'm tired of being made to feel only useful and needed when people's lives are falling apart. I'm not just someone to hang out with when youre upset. I'd do anything for my friends, and lately it seems as though I'm not getting much of that back. They all know how miserable I've been over the last few months, but all that anyone ever wants to talk about is "my life this, and my life that"... whens the last time someone asked me how I was doing, how I was holding up. I can't put my feelings aside forever. Eventually I'm going to grow to resent the people I love the most because if I we're to say "Hey look, I'm sorry you're going through a hard time but I really can't help you right now I'm going through alot of my own things.".. they would think I was selfish and we would fight about it... but if I were to call them selfish for the way they've been acting lately then they would fight with me about it anyway. I need a god damn change. I cant take the way people are acting lately. I'm sick of it. I go out of my way all the time to do things to make people feel better. When I was in Florida, I thought of every single one of my friends and brought them all back a little something. Everyone kept saying "I can't wait until you get home, I cant wait until you get home!!" blah blah blah. Cant wait for what? so 3 of my friends/family can ditch me 4 times in the 24 hours I've been back? Fuck that. I shouldnt have to feel this way, after everything I've done for my friends? Yeah, Stef gave me a place to crash when I didn't have anywhere else to go... but at least once or twice a week I was made to feel awkward and she would get all upset because she felt like I was invading her personal space. I gave her space. I keep her secrets. I sat up all night with her when Garrett broke up with her and she was drunk and crying. When's the last time any of my friends stayed up with me while I was drunk and upset? Maybe it's just me.. maybe I'm just better at masking my emotions and I dont feel like everything needs to put me in this big funk and make me upset for days. I dont know. I get upset, I do what I have to do... sometimes it sneaks up and shows a little.. but I don't let it interfere with my friendships. I dont enjoy being lied to, I dont lie to them. I don't enjoy making plans only to have them broken or to be yet again lied to in order to get out of it. I don't enjoy any of that. I shouldn't have to watch what I say because one of my friends might take it offensively when it's the farthest thing from it but they're such a hot head they always just want to get in a fight. It's bullshit. I shouldn't be put on the back burner when one of my friends has a girlfriend/boyfriend... and it's not just one time its EVERYTIME one of them is in a relationship. But who's the first person they call when they break up? Me. And even though I've been lied to, ditched, and shoved aside... whos the first person who will be there to talk them through it or make them feel better? Me. I'm going to start treating them like its no big deal to break plans, and lie. See how much they like that. I'm supposed to have 3 best friends. Not 3 people who want me around when it's convenient for them.