Command Xmas Party
So, last night I went to the command christmas party, which allegedly is a place to get to know people on the ship. Yeah, right. It was actually quite surreal, and very awkward. I found myself sitting next to one of the IT guys that I see everywhere, and small talk ensued. Then silence, because I wasn't exactly in the mood to keep up the 'the weather's cold' type comments, and I felt really detached from my usual self. I got fairly drunk, as was my intention, but the booze let me down as being the usual 'social lubricant' and I ended up smoking an entire pack of cigarettes over talking to strangers. It was weird being there in a social situation where before I'd be the first to introduce myself to everyone in sight and find someone to hang out with. Mostly I just felt tired and like an interloper. I didn't belong there and I don't belong here in general. Again and again I feel the underlying feeling of running away. At the same time I know it's not a logical choice to just get up and leave, but still I can't resist daydreaming of buying a plane ticket and flying back to the states and changing my identity and carrying on a life I wish I'd fought for more when I got out of highschool. Oh well. Well, I'm off to force myself into sleep via benedril. It's become a crutch, and I'm alright with it for now.