Cool Shootings
We all know school shootings are awesome. I'm not here to argue that. But I think we can all agree that they aren't what they once were. In the glory days of Columbine, school shootings captivated a nation. They even sparked debate among pro and anti-gun activists. People held protests, rallies and marches in an effort to push for legislation.
Flash-forward to the current rash of school-related shootings and the public hardly batted an eye. These stories made headlines for a few days and then quickly vanished. All without the fist-shaking and chest-pounding that greeted the attacks of the late-90's.
Can we rekindle public interest in this increasingly ignored spectacle? I believe the answer is yes. It won't be easy, but with a few key changes we can return school shootings to their former glory. Below are just a few examples of how we can do so.
#1 - Balance the playing field. The main problem with school shootings is the lack of competition. Kid with gun vs. kid with no gun is virtually the definition of one-sided. But if we were to give guns to the cool kids, they would be in a position to retaliate when some angst-ridden Neo-wannabe pulled out his AK-47. Thus giving us a battle instead of a massacre.
#2 - Change up the weapons. Is there some rule that says these kids have to use guns and the occasional bomb? I would be so much more impressed if I heard about a kid wiping out ten of his classmates with a bow and arrow. Or even a crossbow, for that matter. Just imagine turning on the news and hearing "Seven students at Montgomery High School were killed today in a senseless ninja star attack."
#3 - More diversity. It seems like every kid that shoots up a school is a white male in his teens. I appreciate their efforts, but this is supposed to be the melting pot. How about we introduce some different cultures to the world of school slayings? Minorities have more to be upset about than the typical white teenager, yet they never carry out school shootings. They're always complaining about not being respected, but then they sit back and let white kids take all the "pointless killing" glory. So to all you Asians, Latinos and African-Americans: pick up a gun and let your voice be heard.
Along those same lines, we also need some diversity in the fields of gender and age. What's the problem, ladies? Trigger finger doesn't work? As the president of my local female gun club, I can assure you that our bullets kill just as well as any man's, so stop embarrassing us. Go mow down the head cheerleader and the prom queen for the sake of your gender.
And as I hinted at, who says a shooter always has to be a teenager? Elementary students can handle guns just fine. Three of my dead kids can attest to that. And at the other end of the spectrum, who says shootings need to stop in high school? Kids still go to college, right? In fact, college students are old enough to legally obtain guns, making it that much easier to go on a pointless spree.
My fourth and final tip goes to the media. To them I simply say, get more involved. As fascinating as it is to stare at the outside of a school and wonder what's going on inside, I demand more of my journalism. What ever happened to the good old days when reporters got their hands dirty? Do you think Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow would've sat by and simply observed the story? No. They would've gotten into that damn school and blown some fucking kids' heads off.
So those are my ideas on how to improve the state of school shootings. But for those weirdos out there who insist that we should be trying to put an end to gun violence, I have one last tip that will eliminate school shootings. Stop letting losers go to school.
Article compliments of tshirthell.com
Flash-forward to the current rash of school-related shootings and the public hardly batted an eye. These stories made headlines for a few days and then quickly vanished. All without the fist-shaking and chest-pounding that greeted the attacks of the late-90's.
Can we rekindle public interest in this increasingly ignored spectacle? I believe the answer is yes. It won't be easy, but with a few key changes we can return school shootings to their former glory. Below are just a few examples of how we can do so.
#1 - Balance the playing field. The main problem with school shootings is the lack of competition. Kid with gun vs. kid with no gun is virtually the definition of one-sided. But if we were to give guns to the cool kids, they would be in a position to retaliate when some angst-ridden Neo-wannabe pulled out his AK-47. Thus giving us a battle instead of a massacre.
#2 - Change up the weapons. Is there some rule that says these kids have to use guns and the occasional bomb? I would be so much more impressed if I heard about a kid wiping out ten of his classmates with a bow and arrow. Or even a crossbow, for that matter. Just imagine turning on the news and hearing "Seven students at Montgomery High School were killed today in a senseless ninja star attack."
#3 - More diversity. It seems like every kid that shoots up a school is a white male in his teens. I appreciate their efforts, but this is supposed to be the melting pot. How about we introduce some different cultures to the world of school slayings? Minorities have more to be upset about than the typical white teenager, yet they never carry out school shootings. They're always complaining about not being respected, but then they sit back and let white kids take all the "pointless killing" glory. So to all you Asians, Latinos and African-Americans: pick up a gun and let your voice be heard.
Along those same lines, we also need some diversity in the fields of gender and age. What's the problem, ladies? Trigger finger doesn't work? As the president of my local female gun club, I can assure you that our bullets kill just as well as any man's, so stop embarrassing us. Go mow down the head cheerleader and the prom queen for the sake of your gender.
And as I hinted at, who says a shooter always has to be a teenager? Elementary students can handle guns just fine. Three of my dead kids can attest to that. And at the other end of the spectrum, who says shootings need to stop in high school? Kids still go to college, right? In fact, college students are old enough to legally obtain guns, making it that much easier to go on a pointless spree.
My fourth and final tip goes to the media. To them I simply say, get more involved. As fascinating as it is to stare at the outside of a school and wonder what's going on inside, I demand more of my journalism. What ever happened to the good old days when reporters got their hands dirty? Do you think Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow would've sat by and simply observed the story? No. They would've gotten into that damn school and blown some fucking kids' heads off.
So those are my ideas on how to improve the state of school shootings. But for those weirdos out there who insist that we should be trying to put an end to gun violence, I have one last tip that will eliminate school shootings. Stop letting losers go to school.
Article compliments of tshirthell.com