Curse of the Deployed Soldier
Why must life for those sent to war be so drastically changed that everything they once knew is no more? I find myself never sleeping, always wondering, always thinking about what could have been had I never come to this shithole of a country? What would have happened with my life had the army never chosen me and I just lived my life as a normal civilian?
Then I think some more....and i can't picture myself without serving my country, without being able to accomplish something worthwhile. Normal jobs are cool, you make money, you file paperwork, you sell something, and you get to build up a savings. But who in the long run, did you help? Yourself? Your family, friends who you party with? Your significant other?
I joined the military to help those who couldn't help themselves. To do so by force if necessary.... Seeing as how i am currently deployed, i guess force was necessary.
But now that I am deployed, i have become cursed. No longer do i look back to the states and think of how good i had it there. I just think about trivial things. I wonder how and why the world turns their back on people who are currently at war. Now, you may say "oh but we support you guys full heartedly." That's fine and dandy, thanks for saying you support us. How do you...really support us? Far too often I see soldiers, including myself, come out here, and get abandoned. Whether it be by someone who supposedly loves them, or by people in general.
We are the forgotten citizens. I guess....it comes with the job. I aspired for greater things than what i'm doing now. I imagined myself doing anything on a front line, roving patrols, interacting with citizens, leading my platoon into a heated situation and getting them home safely. Now as I sit here in this beurocratic nightmare, I still wish i was doing those things. I now do the same thing i did back in the rear, support aviation, support their mission and sit around and wait till i'm needed to fix something, help out with something, or give out parts.
I guess the part where the curse comes in, is people forget about us. Sure, you might sit back and drink to a friend, drop him a line here and there. Your significant other might tell you she loves you, send you a cute letter, pick up the phone and be excited to hear your voice.
But....
you're not there to feel that love, to feel that voice and drink that beer with a friend. You're over there...stuck in a place that you didn't necessarily think you'd have to be. I mean...as time passes by, being deployed and being away just becomes a novelty for the people back home. "yah my friend is in iraq" "yah my boyfriend is in iraq" "my brother is in iraq"
But...i don't know....I guess what i'm getting at is
Why are deployed soldiers abandoned? Why do you forget what they are doing? Letters are nice, communication is nice, feeling loved is nice....
but why are so many soldiers abandoned? WHy do so many people go through divorce because their wives couldn't go the entire year without having to have someone be there for them physically? Why are so many engagements broken off...and hearts broken just because you can't wait a fucking year? Why does everyone take it for granted, that if your'e not married with kids, you won't come back to the woman you left. Even then..if they are married with kids...they come back to an empty home.
its already difficult enough to live out here, emotionally empty. All of your emotions being bottled up, no release, no partying, no going out and driving your car to blow off some steam. Its like a big pressure cooker, we sit here simmering inside waiting for that release.
I cannot find that release, and neither can many other men around me.
I guess....since we're in the home stretch, and i've been so far removed from reality for such along time...I don't know what to expect.
I left the united states happily engaged, in love like i had never felt before in my life. Bills paid up, truck payment a month early, enough money to party on the weekends with friends living comfortably.
I sit here today in iraq, single, constantly thinking of the woman who i once loved, and how she just abandoned me. My truck is almost paid off, i have enough money to party for a month straight. But i am not living comfortably. I do not know what lies ahead. I am finished with the US army on january 31st. TO me...that could be tomorrow...then....i definately won't be living comfortably, i'll still have tha tlingering curse, of the country that smells like god shat on it. I won't be able to think back without seeing iraq in my rear view. I won't ever look up at the stars and enjoy them as i once used to...becuse the starry nights over here are far more impressive...but then i make the mistake of looking back at the horizon, and i see all the concrete barriers, the floodlights so people don't fall into our little ditches, i smell the dust again, and i taste the filth that is all around me.
Everytime a door slams from now on...i'll think "is that incoming our outgoing fire" instead of just looking at the door and cursing it.
I will never be the same, and i wish i could have just frozen time back in the states while i did this, i'm sure every soldier wishes he would have. I wish i could've frozen time all the way back to june 23rd at the nashville airport.
I'm sure other soldiers look back and wish they could restart from some point before we left, but here we sit, laying in our bunks at night, cursing ourselves for being out here, cursing the army for sending us here, and cursing the politicians, who think we should still be out here.
I wish i could end this curse for everyone, but unfortunately, we have to live with it.