(no subject)
i want it to be tuesday so i can start my class and tune out all this bullshit a little. I know it won't make it go away but if even for 4 hours a day. 16 hours a week i can not think about it, i may just feel better again. i want it to be july. i want this trip so bad. i need it. i need you. i understand my dependency on you in unhealthy but i'm not ready to let you go. you're my best friend. no, more than that. you're my family. i love you so much and it kills me to have such a divide between us. the distance and silence are almost unbearable at times. i feel a lot right now and i want drugs but i feel weak taking them. like i was unable to deal. unable to cope on my own. alas these are the choices we make. i was a fool and i will live with my consequences. this is very much so not the most desirable situation but i'll be okay. i won't give myself false hopes of future scenarios. that would be even more foolish. but my feelings will never change. i doubt i'll ever tell you exactly what i feel now that this has happened but somehow i think you know..i certainly underestimated you. you understood me when i didn't understand myself. you challenged me. made me think. made me try. made me WANT to try. but never left me feeling exhausted. just intrigued, inspired, thrilled. i always wanted more. i make it sound like a drug but maybe that's what you are. you gave me a high i had not experienced before and it felt amazing. and like a drug you came with side-effects... i won't have fear this time. i won't try and run away. i will not lose you again.