A thought. A long thought.

Jul 02, 2020 14:40

I planned to write this on a twitter thread but as I write on I suddenly ended up with long paragraphs. So, I'm just going to dump this here since I'm in this lengthy meeting half-eared and here all day for housekeeping and reposting anyway.

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First, I have one more Nino fic to update--hopefully I can post that this weekend, and with it I'm hoping to wrap the writing nino tradition nicely. It's been years, I've been having fun every year since 2011 (or was it 2012?) battling words and ideas, working on different Nino pairs, and receiving even more beautiful gifts during the exchange. However, I made my promise back in new year. I tried my best to keep it simple this June but I still ended up writing one last one, revisiting old universes and writing more. No regrets, but that's done, I'd poured it all out of my system, and now is the time to let go.

Regardless, I'm excited to write Nino in a different setting--together with Arashi--for more fun stories.

Second, a much more complicated matters. I am fully aware that two of my WIP fic are featuring topic and theme that have been in the global spotlight in the recent months. And I want to write down some of my thoughts about it.

About my detective yama fic.

I set away my draft a few months ago to write another story. I finally got the chance to return to it. However, I couldn’t shake the inexplicable uneasiness I had after rereading my draft. It just read…differently. It naturally involves plot in a universe largely based by their location (Japan) and about a certain work field (law enforcement), I feel a bit unsettled. Some jokes I considered could be good ones before were no longer funny. Work requires me to follow the news about # BLM and it hasn't been an easy feat; I'm learning new things everyday, sometimes I had to sit back to digest newfound facts or even go as far as perusing certain topics.

It makes me sad. I feel helpless, I can only do as much, and there were times when I have to step away because of the overload information.

Some scenes I wrote back in my draft then now make me frown. They made me question myself, my belief, my stance, and where I want to stand during these trying times and beyond. No definite answers yet; I have a feeling it would take more time and some space for me to come to a new understanding. So, if I have to step away again, if I have to rewrote a large chunk of my draft, for me to be comfortable with my story again, then I’ll take more time and some space for me to do what it takes. I'm returning to this yama story this month, and while it is disheartening to scrap few things, I am trying to hold on to my belief: I write because I want to read stories I’m comfortable with.

About, the most problematic for me, my SJ wizard fic.

Back in March, I was excited to finally work on a larger universe, trying out new story points, working on some actual SJ development--gosh, I really miss them, and JKR just had to keep on trying to be that bitch.

Her latest vile tweets were that one last push I need to ‘disown’ her’. Her words in the recent years have made me uncomfortable; she was, and yes past tense, my favorite. I survived one of the most difficult years of my life because of her books and words. Her words no longer offer comfort, hasn't been for years if I want to be honest. Her words were meant to hurt, and to what extent? I believe in being kind to others, and that goes no different with writing. I believe I always tried to be in my stories and it should at the very least showed. There should not be joy in being unkind to others.

I was shocked and downright angry to see her abusing her power, one she gained from her words now that she’s up there in the ‘ivory tower’ on so many occasions. She could’ve chose differently. She could’ve said nothing, but she made her choice. I am extremely disappointed.

And, in extension with heavy heart, I have to say her stories no longer the same appeal it had years ago. The thought and memory of all the creative decisions I did on my own stories embarrass me. All the direct HP universe references, the intentional mimicry, and the love of magick I’d tried to include in my stories. All of those were written with joy and for fun. Somehow along the way, it stopped being a joy, and it was no longer fun.

Well, this does get lengthy. And while I am not usually talking about my writing process out here, but this has been in my mind for a while and I figure I need to let this out. Or else it will just set me in a terrible mindset without an outlet.

Lastly, at the end of the day I don't think I've reached any peace with these problems yet. I do want to continue writing--I have plans and was excited to go through them. But at the same time, I don't think there's an easy way to reach understanding especially with these deep-rooted problems we are facing right now. However, at the end of the same day, I think I still want to try. True that these thoughts shook in me, perspective are shifted if not a completely changed, but also with truth also comes awareness. I'm not good with sudden change but at least if it is for the better, I believe it's worth a try.

So, I'll just keep trying.

I cannot do this alone, though.

I'm writing all this here to give myself some reminder. I'm also asking for help from those who happen to read this. I’m bound to make mistakes or project unintentional unawareness at some point. Do call me out if I ever do anything in my story that brings discomfort. Do call me out if my ignorance gets the better of me.

I’m open to discussions, especially if it is connected directly with narrative and story telling. I like to believe that I would have tried my best to educate myself before anything else. I try to listen as I keep on learning and doing better every day.

It's the least that I could do.

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randomness is not overrated

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