The birthday gift for Sho. Oh, why so much angst!
Title: Of His Convoluted Reasoning
Pairing: Sho/Jun, Arashi
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1492
Summary: Sho just needs to sort his thoughts and make peace with the whole disaster (by starting on not calling it one in the first place).
Notes: Written for [contest] oh you perfect body, originally posted here in sakumoto. Without great help from r_1_ss_a, this would never ever see the lights of day. Thank you for helping sorting this out <3! Those noted with italics and asterisks are not my words; they are either Nino’s or Arashi’s.
When you have one too many stubborn people on one ship, you might start to wonder who is in charge. Yes, he is always the one in charge of many aspects and everyone regards and respects him for it. If you go down below the surface a little bit, it is only because we allow him full control.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re the Press Conference
Could you at least hear my take on it?When you have one too many short-tempered people on one ship one might think that I have it checked and tucked properly underneath my calm and composed demeanor; it doesn't mean that it has disappeared to oblivion and settled there.
I may be compliant, prone to questions of life and teasing. I can stand my ground, never had any trouble to wade through the teasing but I am the proud owner of the harshest temper. Pride comes out of knowing; matter-of-fact consciousness that such temper is amazingly potent it should not be lashed out at will.
I do prefer to keep it deep down inside; it has never been an easy task and it will never be. Yet, as long as I keep trying and take the time I need (the utmost pitfall since time doesn’t side well with me generally), I shall be able to, at least, not lose to it.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: (no subject)
This cold treatment is not rubbing me the right way. Just so you know.
Should I continue to do nothing and just stare at the dark of the night? Isn’t it ironic? I had many things to get done by this weekend. And look, what am I doing? Trying to sort out my, what, brain? Or perhaps my heart? This is getting nowhere. You know it, I know it, we both know it.
Perhaps I am feeling guilty for snapping at him earlier. Perhaps I am feeling guilty for everything. For now, I trust them to understand me my way and my being just who I am or help each other understand just like what we used to do for each other every time.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Really?
You were being unfair to Aiba.
He’s not even taking anyone’s side on this ridiculous thing you've been so upset about.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: no love for you :(((((
sho-chan, should i suggest where you should shove up that attitude of yours?
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: Re: no love for you
Nino, give Jun’s phone back and stay out of our conversation.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re: Re: no love for you
Aiba took care of Nino. Expect no more mail from me tonight.---
I have such great anger inside I have to deal with right now because I’m going to see him again soon enough.
While I’m tempted to shout at the top of my lungs, throwing harsh words and everything that he so damn deserves, it is not the right thing to do. I am not a horrible person, not that horrible. I am just a person.
I never wanted to be angry. I never wanted to not forgive him. He was already forgiven two seconds after the fact. I still have to work my mad off. It’s as simple as that. I was just so fucking livid. I don’t think I’ve been this furious in a long time (ever since the same incident to be precise, how many years was that, 10 years ago?) and it hurts. It hurts to be angry. It really does.
---
From: SS
To: Ninomi
Subject: Why?
You wrote a wicked song.
We’re not that weak yet we’re not that strong either.* He deserves a chance. Everyone deserves a chance. Who am I to try to limit the chance one is supposed to have?
From: Ninomi
To: SS
Subject: because!
perfect for wallowing, you mean? glad to help. sorted it all out yet, smarty pants?
From: SS
To: Ninomi
Subject: Re: because!
Shut up.
I want to be the forgiving person yet I’m not. I know I shouldn’t aim for something I’m not because I am just what I am. This is so hard. I feel like I really should have not considered this painstakingly. Then again it was very difficult to just let go. I can’t just simply do so because it wasn’t even the fucking point.
I’m finding it hard to focus on the fucking point any longer.
From: SS
To: Ohno
Subject: Apology
Satoshi, I'm sorry for causing such trouble.
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: (no subject)
I just need more time. Don't take this the wrong way.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re: (no subject)
I don't even know what 'way' we are talking about here. You and that complicated brain of yours. I don't know why I put up with you all the time.
From: Ohno
To: SS
Subject: Re: Apology
sho-kun, i'm not the one you should be saying ‘sorry’ to.
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: Re: Re: (no subject)
Jun, I'm sorry for causing such trouble.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re: Re: Re: (no subject)
Just make it fast!
---
People are people, you are you.* I know I should accept him, his options, his way of living, and his choices. As much as I know he accepts me, my options, my ways of living, and my choices. As much as I know they accept us, our options, our ways of living and our choices. This is extremely hard.
I had come to realize that as much as my own self is actually okay, what's harder is to support the people around me, especially those who matter the most.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: At the very least
Just tell me that you're still in town and eating properly.
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: Re: At the very least
I'm still in town.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re: Re: At the very least
Sho.
You do not want me to start nagging.
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: Re: Re: Re: At the very least
I'll try my best.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: At the very least
Good. That's all I ask in return of your time-out shit.
Knowing yourself and the temper you have, you should probably also have taken a step back, refusing to get baited and explode in public. Retreating, going away for a while, getting your ground back, and getting your hold on things once more with a steadier perspective seemed like the best things; obligations be damned.
It strikes me odd that I haven’t even considered any of those steps. I am planning to stick my ass here and handle it my way even if obligations ran a tight ship.
Having said that what dawned next is the fact that this is not my own problem. We are in this together, either it’s the two of us or the five of us. Perspective aside, I have no interest whatsoever to abandon the ship. Never did and never will.
---
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: (no subject)
Can you come over?---
My anger does not stem from the nature of the path we chose; it is the manner in how the path was chosen. Instead of trying proactively, opting for a better solution (here I'm not saying which is right and which is wrong because that's something that I couldn't care about), we did this. It was sloppy, stupid, and destructive.
Yet, I can finally make peace with the whole disaster (by starting on not calling it one in the first place). After just letting this whole muck sink in, letting it all settle, letting myself see how we choose to handle the whole muck, and reminding myself that I do love them, I love him, this will not be a short lived battle. It certainly will not.
We are going to keep on fighting; perhaps to no end.
----
I drew him in and felt his body relaxed against mine. He was warm, comforting, and all mine tonight. It had been too long. "You came," I whispered on his ear.
"I did, didn't I?" he replied, looping his arms around me, ensconcing all the warmth and comfort. "What do you say to a meal? I'll cook something up, we'll have some wine, and you can do all the talking."
I kissed him softly, lingered over his taste and prolonged the moment; that was my answer.
---
Better paths, easier paths, favorable paths exist. It probably will serve us better. It will be nicer for them who deserve to be respected in such a way even with the price of our inconvenience. We deserve more but they deserve better, so much better.
They have been doing nothing but amazing things for me, for us, for all of us to be able to be standing here today.
--
Pairing: Sho/Jun, Arashi
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1492
Summary: Sho just needs to sort his thoughts and make peace with the whole disaster (by starting on not calling it one in the first place).
Notes: Written for [contest] oh you perfect body, originally posted here in sakumoto. Without great help from r_1_ss_a, this would never ever see the lights of day. Thank you for helping sorting this out <3! Those noted with italics and asterisks are not my words; they are either Nino’s or Arashi’s.
When you have one too many stubborn people on one ship, you might start to wonder who is in charge. Yes, he is always the one in charge of many aspects and everyone regards and respects him for it. If you go down below the surface a little bit, it is only because we allow him full control.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re the Press Conference
Could you at least hear my take on it?When you have one too many short-tempered people on one ship one might think that I have it checked and tucked properly underneath my calm and composed demeanor; it doesn't mean that it has disappeared to oblivion and settled there.
I may be compliant, prone to questions of life and teasing. I can stand my ground, never had any trouble to wade through the teasing but I am the proud owner of the harshest temper. Pride comes out of knowing; matter-of-fact consciousness that such temper is amazingly potent it should not be lashed out at will.
I do prefer to keep it deep down inside; it has never been an easy task and it will never be. Yet, as long as I keep trying and take the time I need (the utmost pitfall since time doesn’t side well with me generally), I shall be able to, at least, not lose to it.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: (no subject)
This cold treatment is not rubbing me the right way. Just so you know.
Should I continue to do nothing and just stare at the dark of the night? Isn’t it ironic? I had many things to get done by this weekend. And look, what am I doing? Trying to sort out my, what, brain? Or perhaps my heart? This is getting nowhere. You know it, I know it, we both know it.
Perhaps I am feeling guilty for snapping at him earlier. Perhaps I am feeling guilty for everything. For now, I trust them to understand me my way and my being just who I am or help each other understand just like what we used to do for each other every time.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Really?
You were being unfair to Aiba.
He’s not even taking anyone’s side on this ridiculous thing you've been so upset about.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: no love for you :(((((
sho-chan, should i suggest where you should shove up that attitude of yours?
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: Re: no love for you
Nino, give Jun’s phone back and stay out of our conversation.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re: Re: no love for you
Aiba took care of Nino. Expect no more mail from me tonight.---
I have such great anger inside I have to deal with right now because I’m going to see him again soon enough.
While I’m tempted to shout at the top of my lungs, throwing harsh words and everything that he so damn deserves, it is not the right thing to do. I am not a horrible person, not that horrible. I am just a person.
I never wanted to be angry. I never wanted to not forgive him. He was already forgiven two seconds after the fact. I still have to work my mad off. It’s as simple as that. I was just so fucking livid. I don’t think I’ve been this furious in a long time (ever since the same incident to be precise, how many years was that, 10 years ago?) and it hurts. It hurts to be angry. It really does.
---
From: SS
To: Ninomi
Subject: Why?
You wrote a wicked song.
We’re not that weak yet we’re not that strong either.* He deserves a chance. Everyone deserves a chance. Who am I to try to limit the chance one is supposed to have?
From: Ninomi
To: SS
Subject: because!
perfect for wallowing, you mean? glad to help. sorted it all out yet, smarty pants?
From: SS
To: Ninomi
Subject: Re: because!
Shut up.
I want to be the forgiving person yet I’m not. I know I shouldn’t aim for something I’m not because I am just what I am. This is so hard. I feel like I really should have not considered this painstakingly. Then again it was very difficult to just let go. I can’t just simply do so because it wasn’t even the fucking point.
I’m finding it hard to focus on the fucking point any longer.
From: SS
To: Ohno
Subject: Apology
Satoshi, I'm sorry for causing such trouble.
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: (no subject)
I just need more time. Don't take this the wrong way.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re: (no subject)
I don't even know what 'way' we are talking about here. You and that complicated brain of yours. I don't know why I put up with you all the time.
From: Ohno
To: SS
Subject: Re: Apology
sho-kun, i'm not the one you should be saying ‘sorry’ to.
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: Re: Re: (no subject)
Jun, I'm sorry for causing such trouble.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re: Re: Re: (no subject)
Just make it fast!
---
People are people, you are you.* I know I should accept him, his options, his way of living, and his choices. As much as I know he accepts me, my options, my ways of living, and my choices. As much as I know they accept us, our options, our ways of living and our choices. This is extremely hard.
I had come to realize that as much as my own self is actually okay, what's harder is to support the people around me, especially those who matter the most.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: At the very least
Just tell me that you're still in town and eating properly.
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: Re: At the very least
I'm still in town.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re: Re: At the very least
Sho.
You do not want me to start nagging.
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: Re: Re: Re: At the very least
I'll try my best.
From: MatsuJun
To: SS
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: At the very least
Good. That's all I ask in return of your time-out shit.
Knowing yourself and the temper you have, you should probably also have taken a step back, refusing to get baited and explode in public. Retreating, going away for a while, getting your ground back, and getting your hold on things once more with a steadier perspective seemed like the best things; obligations be damned.
It strikes me odd that I haven’t even considered any of those steps. I am planning to stick my ass here and handle it my way even if obligations ran a tight ship.
Having said that what dawned next is the fact that this is not my own problem. We are in this together, either it’s the two of us or the five of us. Perspective aside, I have no interest whatsoever to abandon the ship. Never did and never will.
---
From: SS
To: MatsuJun
Subject: (no subject)
Can you come over?---
My anger does not stem from the nature of the path we chose; it is the manner in how the path was chosen. Instead of trying proactively, opting for a better solution (here I'm not saying which is right and which is wrong because that's something that I couldn't care about), we did this. It was sloppy, stupid, and destructive.
Yet, I can finally make peace with the whole disaster (by starting on not calling it one in the first place). After just letting this whole muck sink in, letting it all settle, letting myself see how we choose to handle the whole muck, and reminding myself that I do love them, I love him, this will not be a short lived battle. It certainly will not.
We are going to keep on fighting; perhaps to no end.
----
I drew him in and felt his body relaxed against mine. He was warm, comforting, and all mine tonight. It had been too long. "You came," I whispered on his ear.
"I did, didn't I?" he replied, looping his arms around me, ensconcing all the warmth and comfort. "What do you say to a meal? I'll cook something up, we'll have some wine, and you can do all the talking."
I kissed him softly, lingered over his taste and prolonged the moment; that was my answer.
---
Better paths, easier paths, favorable paths exist. It probably will serve us better. It will be nicer for them who deserve to be respected in such a way even with the price of our inconvenience. We deserve more but they deserve better, so much better.
They have been doing nothing but amazing things for me, for us, for all of us to be able to be standing here today.
--