I really want to damage someone today
This trip has actually sucked quite mightily.
Every hope and expectation this week has been pretty well shat upon. The people I was hoping to meet and interact with socially have all been busy or incapable of getting transportation. The interview I had today focused entirely on the one thing that I was hoping would be looked beyond. The other jobs I want just never come into reach.
I know things are okay, but today I feel a general spiraling into hell. And it's really fucking pissing me off. Playing by their rules is going to consume my soul. Not playing by the rules isn't really working either.
Thelemically I believe I'm on the right course. But I also feel like I'm stalled and floating. I want to shine gloriously like the star I am and yet I have these days where I get folded into darkness.
So, the sadistic, vicious side of me wants to damage someone today. I mean really just vent out all my anger and venom into someone and watch them suffer. I can think of at least 3 people I interact with on some level that I actually just want to tear apart and make cry. I want to feast on them and find pleasure in it.
But to be honest, it's all a pipe dream. Even I don't think I have that raw level of hate, anger, and evil to damage someone just for my own pleasure. I suppose maybe if they were some kind of consenting sub. Even then... Just don't think I could go thru with it.
The people I am thinking of... I so feel they deserve it. One in particular. I suppose that's always been the core of my frustrations. I don't like seeing people do well who don't deserve it. Who don't earn it. Who cheat and hurt people to get there. So I guess I want to play their game on them even harder. And it's not to try to teach a lesson. It's basically to revel in them suffering in what they have done.
I have all these dreams of how I want to live my life. I see the picture very clearly. I just don't have much luck getting there. Or at least I don't see the progress if I am. And that makes it so much more difficult. I refuse to believe that I'm supposed to just back off and let this world walk over me. It doesn't fit into my world view. This isn't ego... this is fact. I believe I'm supposed to make a dent in this world. And a positive one at that.
You'd think that in a city of nearly a half million people I could find someone who would enjoy being my victim for the evening.
roar.
Every hope and expectation this week has been pretty well shat upon. The people I was hoping to meet and interact with socially have all been busy or incapable of getting transportation. The interview I had today focused entirely on the one thing that I was hoping would be looked beyond. The other jobs I want just never come into reach.
I know things are okay, but today I feel a general spiraling into hell. And it's really fucking pissing me off. Playing by their rules is going to consume my soul. Not playing by the rules isn't really working either.
Thelemically I believe I'm on the right course. But I also feel like I'm stalled and floating. I want to shine gloriously like the star I am and yet I have these days where I get folded into darkness.
So, the sadistic, vicious side of me wants to damage someone today. I mean really just vent out all my anger and venom into someone and watch them suffer. I can think of at least 3 people I interact with on some level that I actually just want to tear apart and make cry. I want to feast on them and find pleasure in it.
But to be honest, it's all a pipe dream. Even I don't think I have that raw level of hate, anger, and evil to damage someone just for my own pleasure. I suppose maybe if they were some kind of consenting sub. Even then... Just don't think I could go thru with it.
The people I am thinking of... I so feel they deserve it. One in particular. I suppose that's always been the core of my frustrations. I don't like seeing people do well who don't deserve it. Who don't earn it. Who cheat and hurt people to get there. So I guess I want to play their game on them even harder. And it's not to try to teach a lesson. It's basically to revel in them suffering in what they have done.
I have all these dreams of how I want to live my life. I see the picture very clearly. I just don't have much luck getting there. Or at least I don't see the progress if I am. And that makes it so much more difficult. I refuse to believe that I'm supposed to just back off and let this world walk over me. It doesn't fit into my world view. This isn't ego... this is fact. I believe I'm supposed to make a dent in this world. And a positive one at that.
You'd think that in a city of nearly a half million people I could find someone who would enjoy being my victim for the evening.
roar.