ADDerall... i get it
Adderall is an interesting drug. I went off it for 3 or 4 months and just started it again yesterday, at my full dose, and it was like I had never been on it before. The effects, both the intended ones and the side effects, seem to be particularly exagerated at the very beginning. I didn't notice this as much two years ago for two reasons: 1) I had never been on it or anything like it previously, and 2) I was on a smaller dose back then.
Anyway, here's what I've noticed about the first two days of my adderall use. Basically, it's a restatement of things I sort of already knew, but now am actually observing and trying to document.
First of all, my validation of the claim that adderall makes people with ADD pay attention and focus better is contingent on a few things. First, I am still not entirely convinced that I have ADD, and not having it would make the medication effectively useless. However, the reason I am still skeptical of my condition is because the adderall has not seemed to noticeably heighten my focusing abilities. However, and this is the second contingency, I need more information about my focusing abilities in my college classes. So far all I have for observations are high school classes I didn't really care about. Perhaps if I really want to be in the classes and I'm not fighting them, the adderall will actually help me.
So what has the adderall done (or appeared to have done) so far? Well, it does some interesting things to my personality for one. It definitely evens out my emotions. Off of the adderall, I tend to be very emotional, often extreme in my feelings (which may explain the exaggerated depression of my first week). So I feel less extreme, and this seems to have allowed me to open up a bit, at least to my room mates. Not as though I am telling them my deepest secrets, but I'm holding conversations and being more... myself I guess. However, it also has given me this internal edginess, which has not evened me out, but instead has made me somewhat hyper-aware of my faults, increasing my self-doubt and paranoia. Not to the point where I think people are out to get me, but I seem to feel a lack of assurance more strongly even than usual.
As far as physically.... this is where the adderall's effects are really noticable. It does help me wake up in the morning; after all, it is an amphetamine. But it also has been affecting my heart and possibly my breathing. The effects on my heart are difficult to explain. It's sort of like the beat is irregular now, but not exactly, and also like it's more intense, but not exactly. Either way, it has me feeling very uncomfortable, like I'm going to swallow my heart if i'm not careful, or like it's going to slip out of my chest and make a break for it.
I've had a problem with my breathing for a long time, about a year. Fairly often I'll have the feeling that I'm not getting enough air in my lungs. The first time it happened, after about a whole day of watching it, I ended up going to the hospital to get checked out. The doctor told me there was nothing at all wrong with me, so since then I just try to remind myself that it's probably a psychosomatic condition and I just need to relax to get through it. It feels more prominent the last two days, though, which makes me wonder if the adderall has a hand in it? Although, my heart could simply be exasperating the feeling on my lungs and making me focus more on it. It's difficult to pinpoint.
And also, my good friend the appetite suppression has made a pretty hardcore comeback. I had breakfast yesterday, but no lunch or dinner (I was distracted by the computer and my packages arriving) and I didn't miss them. I had a smoothie in the evening, but not because I was particularly hungry, I was just very hot and tired and wanted something cold and tasty. It was a different sensation than hunger. Today I had breakfast, but have yet to get lunch (probably just won't at this point). By the time I went off the adderall over the summer, the appetite thing had relaxed a little, but I could still go for a day or two without eating if I wanted to, so in reality what I thought was a more normal appetite was probably just me forcing myself to eat on a more regular schedule. When I did drop the adderall, almost immediately my appetite came back with a vengeance and didn't get under control for a month or two. I gained a fair bit of weight in the meantime. Part of the reason I've been hesitant about trying the adderall again is because I don't want to use it as a crutch to get back in shape. I don't want to have to rely on it to lose the extra weight I've put on. But the experiment must go on.
So anyway, this is just an on-going thing for me. I don't know if I'll post anymore of my observations, but today I just felt like having a record of what it's been like so far so that I could compare better in the future.
If anyone read this and has a comment, that's fine. If anyone else is using this stuff and has something to say about it, that would be especially interesting.