Jenny The Robot
It never really feels like Christmas until we put the tree up. Currently I'm staring at seven glorious feet of colored lights and ornaments ranging in aesthetic from Chewbacca to a deer in camo to a TY bear, to my brothers 5th grade head on a doily, and hey, Tinkerbelle why not.
I've decided that LJ is really cathartic for me, and that it wouldn't hurt me to write in it more often. I've also realized that my journal from over the summer is missing; and I have no idea where it could have vanished to. It's a real shame because this summer was one of the first substantial blocks of time where I wrote in something everyday. Whereas I'm saddened by the loss of said journal, I also think this might be a really good lesson on the importance of letting go.
Letting go seems to be this re-occurring theme in my life lately. Honestly, I've always been terrible with letting go and change. These days I feel like I've found a place to reside somewhere between total rejection of these concepts and total acceptance. I wouldn't have it any other way. To be completely detached is a terrifying thought, and I'd never want that ability- ever. I can't emphasize that enough. But I've also come to accept that there are some things in life that just aren’t worth holding onto. I've been thinking a lot lately about me. Yep- that's right me. What I want and need. Why I compromise these things to the detriment of my mental and physical health. I'm being ridiculously selfish and you know, I don't even sort of feel bad about it. I'm finally taking care of me. Once I established a good sense of those things, my wants and needs, other things became abundantly clear. Suddenly holding my ground was easy.
I'm striving for balance; that's all. I don't mind sadness as long as there's corresponding happiness. Anger and resolve. Perhaps abandonment but also fulfillment. Life has duality and whereas is it unrealistic to expect a perfect hand dealt to you at all times, it's also irresponsible to accept people treating you like crap as a necessary trade off. A balanced relationship includes both give and take and I'm finally okay with enforcing that. It's wrong of others in my life to take without question, but it's equally wrong of me to allow it. I no longer allow it. As a result I've left behind not only behaviors, but people. I thought I'd be the devastated one, but to my surprise the choice has been so…simple. I believe in me- finally. If you don't why would I want to be around you? It's not a melodramatic thing by any sense. I just taper off talking to you.
In deviance this year we talked a lot of about forms of informal social control that we all use without even realizing it. Maybe it was the class; maybe it was my new realizations, but for some reason I'm unbelievably conscious of being manipulated now. I see it for what it is. It's immature and unnecessary. You cannot guilt me, you cannot shame me, I've reclaimed my agency and now, your methodology of making me feel nuts is just…well…silly looking. I'm not nuts, and I don't miss you. I see through you.
So it's the day before Christmas and I'm basking in the glow of, quite possibly THE ugliest Christmas tree ever. I'm alone, and yet in so many respects feel more whole than ever. Feeling of wholeness always freak me out, mainly because they're always fleeting. This incredible feeling of euphoria followed by emptiness. This isn't like that. I didn't work at any of this. One change led to a total mindset change, led to actions of change. Organic. I love organic.
It's un-nerving to be here, where-ever I am, and as I've mentioned in a previous entry I still don't feel totally balanced, but I'm working on it.
On an unrelated note- I'm a crazy person magnet. I CANNOT wait to see Becca, Emma and Dave. My car is still in the snow and I'm watching cartoons.
Really, my life's pretty bangin' can't lie.