(no subject)
i'm sick of being asked if it's cold outside when i'm on the phone with my mom. i'm also sick of having a bad day, telling my mom about it and her asking me, "well, what's REALLY wrong? is something ELSE bothering you?" i don't know. nothing is really wrong. and for something to truly bother me, an activity of some sort needs to happen. but nothing ever happens. it's whatever. it's always whatever. i'm always just whatever. indifferent. nothing's ever new. "hey molly, how are you?" "i'm fine, it's fine, i don't know. whatever." i'm still the same person, nothing ever changes. but everyone else does. everyone's making progress, moving along. i hate days like these when i feel like the same naive 18-year-old when i came to chicago a year and a half ago. like right now, i'm not making sense. i'm just bitching about nothing, just going about my daily life of class, homework, socialize, work out, repeat repeat repeat. i've always been pretty good at that, repeating. i'm entering a career field that i don't think i'm smart enough to survive in, yet i'm staying in it because i don't want other people to think i failed or i'm (gasp!) stupid. why do i waste so much energy on making sure i don't look dumb? everyone's stupid, i guess. i buy clothes i don't need, i dye my hair, i wear perfume, and i like makeup, but i know very well that 95% of the males in my classes are gay and that these things matter so little in the greater picture of life. that makes me stupid. where are the people that just want to live their damn lives and not force everything? i know they're around. spring just needs to get here fast.