Happy Sentiments and Reflections on Love
Ok, so, obviously things never go as planned with me. And this week has been as filled with unplanned crap as is usual in my life. Of the Utmost importance is the fact that I'm back with Sam.
I have to say, I'm pretty happy about how our relationship is progressing. The almost two years apart have given us both time to grow more self-assured in who we are as individuals. And we had both independently decided on certain things we wanted in a relationship, and things that we both found unacceptable about the previous times we'd been together.
When I decided to contact him again, it wasn't even with any intention of resuming our friendship at all. Mostly it was just to gain closure on a tumultuous period that we'd both been experiencing concurrently. A lot of times it seemed like we weren't really gaining anything by being together, other than as he put it "one of us was somehow financially dependent on the other, the roles just switched." Nothing really tied us to the other one except the passage of time and our mutual acquaintance with each other at various different times.
Going from that standpoint, I realized that he was really correct in his take on a lot of things that had transpired between us. His clarity and candor on some of the more unpleasant things that have passed between us was unexpectedly, but happily received. That, and the fact that he has maintained taking his lithium, and is honestly happy about the mood stabilizing effects, and does not want to go back to his former unbalanced self has really said a lot about where he is, within his own self healing. It has actually inspired me to go ahead and start taking The St. John's Wort, experimentally, to alleviate my own swings into depression. That has made some difference for me, along with also trying to be much more mindful of my general nutrition, and water intake, and sleep schedule, and stress level.
We took things very casually at first. Mostly just emailing back and forth, and reestablishing communication, hashing out and discussing issues that we both felt were important, without really passing judgment on each other's opinions, and hastily trying to "beat each other in an arguing match" especially over trivial issues that weren't relevant to our wellbeing in the first place.
I guess the fact that we really didn't have anything to lose, was a really good thing. I was happy with my life as it stood, being single. And he was the same way. So, what changed things this time? I dunno. I'm not trying to dig too deep. I feel like we reconnected to each other on the basic level that we kind of first did, when we were both 18. But this time, we have the added years and experiences, with and without each other to give us a little more wisdom. There are an endless variety of little things that I enjoy about only him, that I don't get from anyone else. And I find myself really enjoying his company, especially when it's just me and him. We really never got to do that before. Circumstances had been against us most of the time. Usually, we were both living amongst other people, or we were surrounded by our respective friends and family, or bogged down by the stresses of school, work and obligations. Everything in the past added up to a very volatile mixture. And neither one of us was in a great mental or emotional position to step up to the plate and "be that better person". Most times we both sunk to our baser natures, saw the other as a hindrance rather than a help, and ended up turning on each other, and wanting to dissolve communication. That seemed like the easiest thing we both could do to alleviate tension and conflict.
This time, I didn't want to do all that. I didn't want a conflicted relationship. And I didn't want to bring all the past baggage along for the ride either. I didn't want to add a level of retribution to that fun "getting to know you" part of the relationship that we had been denied so many times before in the past ten years. I wanted to know all about him again. I started from scratch, and he did the same with me. We basically had to come to terms with each other. To forgive the deep emotional pain we'd both gone through, to the petty slights, hurts and insults that we had both inflicted upon each other.
Approaching a relationship from that standpoint has made all the difference. I really want to help him succeed in life, and he wants to help me. We both want each other to succeed at being the best individual person we both know the other one can be. I really didn't and still don't want to mess this up with him. And I'm taking a lot more care of "our relationship" instead of just leaving it on autopilot. I think people have a tendency to do that. And I don't want to fall prey to that. I think women especially are used to feeling and in turn thinking on a certain frequency that men aren't tuned into. And vice-versa. It takes a certain amount of skill and care to navigate the complex waters of human emotion regarding inter-personal dealings. And I'm finding myself asking questions I never would have thought to ask before, and getting answers and gaining insight into this wonderful other person that I've known for ten years, and have only just begun to understand and appreciate.
It's a strange thing to have known someone on and off for ten years, and to have been deeply attached to someone in so many ways, and then to have passed through long periods of separation and learning independent of one another. A lot of marriages happen, where you go through the years, and you grow up and away from each other. And some people go through everything together and never get to be actualized individuals in a relationship. I feel very lucky to have Sam. And I'm grateful that we've finally achieved peace and serenity within the bounds of our hearts. He makes me profoundly happy to be who I am, in and of myself. And I'm extremely appreciative of the kindness and comfort that I enjoy in his company, and the special little nuances to his unique quirky way of being. I just really really like who he is, and has become. And I like the person that I am when I am with him. And that's just about the best that you could ask from a romantic partner.
I just wanted to get that all down somewhere while I was thinking about it, before I forgot.
I have to say, I'm pretty happy about how our relationship is progressing. The almost two years apart have given us both time to grow more self-assured in who we are as individuals. And we had both independently decided on certain things we wanted in a relationship, and things that we both found unacceptable about the previous times we'd been together.
When I decided to contact him again, it wasn't even with any intention of resuming our friendship at all. Mostly it was just to gain closure on a tumultuous period that we'd both been experiencing concurrently. A lot of times it seemed like we weren't really gaining anything by being together, other than as he put it "one of us was somehow financially dependent on the other, the roles just switched." Nothing really tied us to the other one except the passage of time and our mutual acquaintance with each other at various different times.
Going from that standpoint, I realized that he was really correct in his take on a lot of things that had transpired between us. His clarity and candor on some of the more unpleasant things that have passed between us was unexpectedly, but happily received. That, and the fact that he has maintained taking his lithium, and is honestly happy about the mood stabilizing effects, and does not want to go back to his former unbalanced self has really said a lot about where he is, within his own self healing. It has actually inspired me to go ahead and start taking The St. John's Wort, experimentally, to alleviate my own swings into depression. That has made some difference for me, along with also trying to be much more mindful of my general nutrition, and water intake, and sleep schedule, and stress level.
We took things very casually at first. Mostly just emailing back and forth, and reestablishing communication, hashing out and discussing issues that we both felt were important, without really passing judgment on each other's opinions, and hastily trying to "beat each other in an arguing match" especially over trivial issues that weren't relevant to our wellbeing in the first place.
I guess the fact that we really didn't have anything to lose, was a really good thing. I was happy with my life as it stood, being single. And he was the same way. So, what changed things this time? I dunno. I'm not trying to dig too deep. I feel like we reconnected to each other on the basic level that we kind of first did, when we were both 18. But this time, we have the added years and experiences, with and without each other to give us a little more wisdom. There are an endless variety of little things that I enjoy about only him, that I don't get from anyone else. And I find myself really enjoying his company, especially when it's just me and him. We really never got to do that before. Circumstances had been against us most of the time. Usually, we were both living amongst other people, or we were surrounded by our respective friends and family, or bogged down by the stresses of school, work and obligations. Everything in the past added up to a very volatile mixture. And neither one of us was in a great mental or emotional position to step up to the plate and "be that better person". Most times we both sunk to our baser natures, saw the other as a hindrance rather than a help, and ended up turning on each other, and wanting to dissolve communication. That seemed like the easiest thing we both could do to alleviate tension and conflict.
This time, I didn't want to do all that. I didn't want a conflicted relationship. And I didn't want to bring all the past baggage along for the ride either. I didn't want to add a level of retribution to that fun "getting to know you" part of the relationship that we had been denied so many times before in the past ten years. I wanted to know all about him again. I started from scratch, and he did the same with me. We basically had to come to terms with each other. To forgive the deep emotional pain we'd both gone through, to the petty slights, hurts and insults that we had both inflicted upon each other.
Approaching a relationship from that standpoint has made all the difference. I really want to help him succeed in life, and he wants to help me. We both want each other to succeed at being the best individual person we both know the other one can be. I really didn't and still don't want to mess this up with him. And I'm taking a lot more care of "our relationship" instead of just leaving it on autopilot. I think people have a tendency to do that. And I don't want to fall prey to that. I think women especially are used to feeling and in turn thinking on a certain frequency that men aren't tuned into. And vice-versa. It takes a certain amount of skill and care to navigate the complex waters of human emotion regarding inter-personal dealings. And I'm finding myself asking questions I never would have thought to ask before, and getting answers and gaining insight into this wonderful other person that I've known for ten years, and have only just begun to understand and appreciate.
It's a strange thing to have known someone on and off for ten years, and to have been deeply attached to someone in so many ways, and then to have passed through long periods of separation and learning independent of one another. A lot of marriages happen, where you go through the years, and you grow up and away from each other. And some people go through everything together and never get to be actualized individuals in a relationship. I feel very lucky to have Sam. And I'm grateful that we've finally achieved peace and serenity within the bounds of our hearts. He makes me profoundly happy to be who I am, in and of myself. And I'm extremely appreciative of the kindness and comfort that I enjoy in his company, and the special little nuances to his unique quirky way of being. I just really really like who he is, and has become. And I like the person that I am when I am with him. And that's just about the best that you could ask from a romantic partner.
I just wanted to get that all down somewhere while I was thinking about it, before I forgot.