6am, the clock is ringing.
I'm content with High School, I like it. And I'm going to miss it when it comes time to leave. But I got to thinking about moving forward with life, and wondered what I could do if I could go back.
The predictable response would be that I would just not return to any point in my past, and rather be content with the present.
However I think that if I did, for whatever reason, I would relive my gradeschool days for the academic aspect of it. Wen I was there, my intelligence was never doubted. Many viewed me as one of the brightest members of our grade, and a humble nerd. I remember resenting this label. I hated it. If I made a mistake, it came as a shock. If I forgot an assignment, it was overlooked. I remember once, in social studies, I had forgotten a graph at home that was for a notebook grade. When my turn came to hold up my page for the teacher to see, and I didn't have it, a boy made a comment in my class. It might have been Nick. He said it in jest, but I knew that he meant it with some level of seriousness. "Even with a missing assignment, I bet you she'll still get a higher score than me, and I have everything. A 104 or something.." It was greeted with laugher, and even the teacher smiled at the joke. To my embarrassment I got a 101.
All I wanted to be was to be accepted. To be seen as a person whose only difference was a higher aptitude for learning and memorization. I've talked to people since graduation, and most, if not all, still recall this picture of me when my name comes up in conversation.
I wanted to show them that I was human. That all of them had potential, it was only a matter of dedication.
If I despised this stereotype so greatly then, why do I wish that I had it now? Because I'm sick of people not taking me seriously. I hate feeling stupid. It hurts when it happens. The cute, innocent, perhaps naive staple that had been attached to me has stayed. Assumption has been a challenge, but I know that honestly, I haven't given it my best these last four years. And I regret that.
My brother told me once that, "I was going to get a B in High School. Just you wait. You won't be so smart anymore."
That scared me. That was so much apart of who I was. It was who I was. That was the only thing other people knew about me, so it was the only thing I knew about myself. Just hearing Brian say that made me think about what I would do if I wasn't so well-known as one of the brighter individuals in my class. Who would I be? So I started to branch out, to put more time into discovering who I was and my potential as a person rather than a student. And my grades have never been horrible; my personality wouldn't allow it regardless of the distractions. And I can't say that I'm displeased with a 3.63.
But I am displeased that it isn't higher. That I didn't push myself more. I study for a test and I see that old potential again. I know that it's there. My memorization skills have gone towards scripts and the stage rather than the classroom. They haven't gone to waste. But I dearly wish I had applied myself more, and realized this sooner.
I'm looking at all that I've gained, the friendships, the personality I have. And it's great. But I would change that. It makes me wonder how many times a day people have a problem, or a question that they don't ask me because they see it as something I just wouldn't know. I miss it. I miss being the one other people could come to with the trust that I knew what I was talking about. That just doesn't happen anymore. Occassionally, yes. But it leaves me feeling unsatisfied, wondering how many more questions I could answer, or ideas I could uncover if people just gave me the chance.
I miss those chances. Not to prove myself, but the comfort in knowing that other people trust in my opinion and don't have to go to someone like Lexi or Bethany for verification. Sometimes I feel bad for them, and othertimes I'm insanely jealous. Because at the same time, I remember life on that pedistool. How it felt whenever I was unprepared, or the one time Amber Kannaple did better on her science test then me. I felt like I had let them down.
But letting them down that one time is nothing compared to the feeling of letting people down consistently. That person, being me letting myself down. I want to have a long, insightive discussion about some sort of philosophical, or academic topic without people feeling like they have to stop halfway to explain. Or just give up because I can't seem to see their point of view. Or because they don't see my topics as valid and simply a result of childish, naive wishes. I want to be pushed mentally. To be forced to look at something differently because the other person knows I have the potential to do so. To have someone completely twist my point of view on things and believe that I will still be able to hold my position. That I am open minded to change. To have a teacher come up to me after class, curious as to my opinion on things.
I want that back. That other people know I can analyze things intelligently. To be honest, I know right now I wouldn't be prepared for it. My skills are a little rusty, so I'd need a bit of patience first. I just need someone to ask me to pursue something to advance my knowledge on a topic, for no other reason because they are curious on how I feel about it. For someone to be concerned with the reason why I came to that answer, rather than just assume the obvious.
I want that back. And I want to be able to be that sweet, funny girl who just so happens to like Shakespeare, and who used to carry around a copy of the Little Princess in her purse. Who calculates the exact price of items every time before she checks out just to see if she has the correct change. Who enjoys science, and loves anatomy. Who can make people laugh, and see that perhaps maybe her random ideas aren't so random at all. That everything she says has a purpose. Who believes in herself. Who wants a challenge. Who wants to be a nerd more than anything in the world again.
Maybe all she's looking for is a chance.
A chance to prove herself again.
Tally ho.
The predictable response would be that I would just not return to any point in my past, and rather be content with the present.
However I think that if I did, for whatever reason, I would relive my gradeschool days for the academic aspect of it. Wen I was there, my intelligence was never doubted. Many viewed me as one of the brightest members of our grade, and a humble nerd. I remember resenting this label. I hated it. If I made a mistake, it came as a shock. If I forgot an assignment, it was overlooked. I remember once, in social studies, I had forgotten a graph at home that was for a notebook grade. When my turn came to hold up my page for the teacher to see, and I didn't have it, a boy made a comment in my class. It might have been Nick. He said it in jest, but I knew that he meant it with some level of seriousness. "Even with a missing assignment, I bet you she'll still get a higher score than me, and I have everything. A 104 or something.." It was greeted with laugher, and even the teacher smiled at the joke. To my embarrassment I got a 101.
All I wanted to be was to be accepted. To be seen as a person whose only difference was a higher aptitude for learning and memorization. I've talked to people since graduation, and most, if not all, still recall this picture of me when my name comes up in conversation.
I wanted to show them that I was human. That all of them had potential, it was only a matter of dedication.
If I despised this stereotype so greatly then, why do I wish that I had it now? Because I'm sick of people not taking me seriously. I hate feeling stupid. It hurts when it happens. The cute, innocent, perhaps naive staple that had been attached to me has stayed. Assumption has been a challenge, but I know that honestly, I haven't given it my best these last four years. And I regret that.
My brother told me once that, "I was going to get a B in High School. Just you wait. You won't be so smart anymore."
That scared me. That was so much apart of who I was. It was who I was. That was the only thing other people knew about me, so it was the only thing I knew about myself. Just hearing Brian say that made me think about what I would do if I wasn't so well-known as one of the brighter individuals in my class. Who would I be? So I started to branch out, to put more time into discovering who I was and my potential as a person rather than a student. And my grades have never been horrible; my personality wouldn't allow it regardless of the distractions. And I can't say that I'm displeased with a 3.63.
But I am displeased that it isn't higher. That I didn't push myself more. I study for a test and I see that old potential again. I know that it's there. My memorization skills have gone towards scripts and the stage rather than the classroom. They haven't gone to waste. But I dearly wish I had applied myself more, and realized this sooner.
I'm looking at all that I've gained, the friendships, the personality I have. And it's great. But I would change that. It makes me wonder how many times a day people have a problem, or a question that they don't ask me because they see it as something I just wouldn't know. I miss it. I miss being the one other people could come to with the trust that I knew what I was talking about. That just doesn't happen anymore. Occassionally, yes. But it leaves me feeling unsatisfied, wondering how many more questions I could answer, or ideas I could uncover if people just gave me the chance.
I miss those chances. Not to prove myself, but the comfort in knowing that other people trust in my opinion and don't have to go to someone like Lexi or Bethany for verification. Sometimes I feel bad for them, and othertimes I'm insanely jealous. Because at the same time, I remember life on that pedistool. How it felt whenever I was unprepared, or the one time Amber Kannaple did better on her science test then me. I felt like I had let them down.
But letting them down that one time is nothing compared to the feeling of letting people down consistently. That person, being me letting myself down. I want to have a long, insightive discussion about some sort of philosophical, or academic topic without people feeling like they have to stop halfway to explain. Or just give up because I can't seem to see their point of view. Or because they don't see my topics as valid and simply a result of childish, naive wishes. I want to be pushed mentally. To be forced to look at something differently because the other person knows I have the potential to do so. To have someone completely twist my point of view on things and believe that I will still be able to hold my position. That I am open minded to change. To have a teacher come up to me after class, curious as to my opinion on things.
I want that back. That other people know I can analyze things intelligently. To be honest, I know right now I wouldn't be prepared for it. My skills are a little rusty, so I'd need a bit of patience first. I just need someone to ask me to pursue something to advance my knowledge on a topic, for no other reason because they are curious on how I feel about it. For someone to be concerned with the reason why I came to that answer, rather than just assume the obvious.
I want that back. And I want to be able to be that sweet, funny girl who just so happens to like Shakespeare, and who used to carry around a copy of the Little Princess in her purse. Who calculates the exact price of items every time before she checks out just to see if she has the correct change. Who enjoys science, and loves anatomy. Who can make people laugh, and see that perhaps maybe her random ideas aren't so random at all. That everything she says has a purpose. Who believes in herself. Who wants a challenge. Who wants to be a nerd more than anything in the world again.
Maybe all she's looking for is a chance.
A chance to prove herself again.
Tally ho.