being heartbroken and excited at the same time is weird
Sometimes being poly leads to strange things going on in my brain and body. Or maybe it's just the way my brain is wired, how I compartmentalize things? I can laugh and sing while I'm dying inside. I remember that strange duality after my husband ended our relationship. Like flowers growing in the playa: so out of place, so unexpected.
My heart was broken twice in the last month. First, I fell in love with someone I wasn't supposed to. We both made mistakes, we share the blame for what happened. We knew his wife had said no, but sometimes feelings are hard to control. I cried non-stop for two days. I care about them both, I respect her feelings...but I'm aching with sorrow. A small, hurt, angry part of me wants to hurt her, say nasty things, so she feels at least a little of the pain I'm experiencing. I'm holding that tightly in check. The worst part is how much it upsets us both to touch at all right now. I want to hug him, but we are so stiff when we touch. I'm forcing myself to not jerk away, and so is he. It's not because I don't want to touch him, but because I do so much. We want to just melt into each other, and we can't. I'm worried that an amazing friendship might have suffered long-term damage if we can't be comfortable with each other.
Then, just three days later, my boyfriend and dance partner of (four years, depending on how you count it) broke up with me. At least I saw that coming. He'd been avoiding me for over a month. Really, I guess I saw it coming from the moment his girlfriend said "yes." He changed towards me. He shifted into "husband" mode. I didn't expect that of him. The three of us got on fine. Not amazing, but fine. (She's introverted and...odd.) It's not her, it's him. At least I finally managed to pin him down to a time to talk, instead of leaving me in suspense. It was a sweet breakup, really. I was curled up in his lap while we talked it through. Afterwards, we hung out a while, talking, laughing, because we've always been effortless friends. He said part of why he'd been avoiding me was that he was expecting a nasty breakup with a big 'scene.' He's had a few of those, and has come to dread endings. He should have known me better. But...I was a bit wicked. I knew he was going to break up with me, so I wore his favorite short dress and over-the-knee stockings. I asked to kiss him goodbye on my way out, and I left him hard and gasping for breath. *evil smile* I wanted to remind him what he was saying goodbye to.
So...I ache inside, my stomach hurts, my throat is tight, I cry at random times for fleeting thoughts...and in the midst of that, there is happiness and lust. Tonight I told a friend I'd had a crush on him for years, and he said we should go on a date some time. Not soon, maybe, because life is full, but yes, let's do that, spend some time when it's just us and no distractions, talk, see what happens. *bounce*blush*grin* I think I levitated out the door. Last Friday I'd planned a lunch date with an old friend. I'd expected to chat, catch up, be contentedly middle-aged together. We don't see each other much anymore and haven't really talked more than five or ten minutes at a time in a few years. I was looking forward to catching up. I ended up pushed against the driver's seat of my car, concealed between the open car doors, with his hand under my skirt, wishing we had more time and a lot more privacy. Oh, my! We flirted off and on for many years, but it never went further than kisses and nibbles. That was so long ago it seems another lifetime. I didn't expect that much heat to still be there between us. I'm seeing him again on Monday. Maybe...?
I go back and forth between wanting to put my head under the covers and cry, and wanting to masturbate. (And, these days, the third state is mostly dumbfounded rage at our political and cultural catastrophe. Maybe a good protest will clear my head of all these conflicting emotions.) I feel...a little guilty for finding any pleasure or happiness when my heart feels this desolated. I know that's not right, that life goes on, that I need happiness to heal, that neither of the men I'm pining for would wish me anything other than joy. But there it is.
My heart was broken twice in the last month. First, I fell in love with someone I wasn't supposed to. We both made mistakes, we share the blame for what happened. We knew his wife had said no, but sometimes feelings are hard to control. I cried non-stop for two days. I care about them both, I respect her feelings...but I'm aching with sorrow. A small, hurt, angry part of me wants to hurt her, say nasty things, so she feels at least a little of the pain I'm experiencing. I'm holding that tightly in check. The worst part is how much it upsets us both to touch at all right now. I want to hug him, but we are so stiff when we touch. I'm forcing myself to not jerk away, and so is he. It's not because I don't want to touch him, but because I do so much. We want to just melt into each other, and we can't. I'm worried that an amazing friendship might have suffered long-term damage if we can't be comfortable with each other.
Then, just three days later, my boyfriend and dance partner of (four years, depending on how you count it) broke up with me. At least I saw that coming. He'd been avoiding me for over a month. Really, I guess I saw it coming from the moment his girlfriend said "yes." He changed towards me. He shifted into "husband" mode. I didn't expect that of him. The three of us got on fine. Not amazing, but fine. (She's introverted and...odd.) It's not her, it's him. At least I finally managed to pin him down to a time to talk, instead of leaving me in suspense. It was a sweet breakup, really. I was curled up in his lap while we talked it through. Afterwards, we hung out a while, talking, laughing, because we've always been effortless friends. He said part of why he'd been avoiding me was that he was expecting a nasty breakup with a big 'scene.' He's had a few of those, and has come to dread endings. He should have known me better. But...I was a bit wicked. I knew he was going to break up with me, so I wore his favorite short dress and over-the-knee stockings. I asked to kiss him goodbye on my way out, and I left him hard and gasping for breath. *evil smile* I wanted to remind him what he was saying goodbye to.
So...I ache inside, my stomach hurts, my throat is tight, I cry at random times for fleeting thoughts...and in the midst of that, there is happiness and lust. Tonight I told a friend I'd had a crush on him for years, and he said we should go on a date some time. Not soon, maybe, because life is full, but yes, let's do that, spend some time when it's just us and no distractions, talk, see what happens. *bounce*blush*grin* I think I levitated out the door. Last Friday I'd planned a lunch date with an old friend. I'd expected to chat, catch up, be contentedly middle-aged together. We don't see each other much anymore and haven't really talked more than five or ten minutes at a time in a few years. I was looking forward to catching up. I ended up pushed against the driver's seat of my car, concealed between the open car doors, with his hand under my skirt, wishing we had more time and a lot more privacy. Oh, my! We flirted off and on for many years, but it never went further than kisses and nibbles. That was so long ago it seems another lifetime. I didn't expect that much heat to still be there between us. I'm seeing him again on Monday. Maybe...?
I go back and forth between wanting to put my head under the covers and cry, and wanting to masturbate. (And, these days, the third state is mostly dumbfounded rage at our political and cultural catastrophe. Maybe a good protest will clear my head of all these conflicting emotions.) I feel...a little guilty for finding any pleasure or happiness when my heart feels this desolated. I know that's not right, that life goes on, that I need happiness to heal, that neither of the men I'm pining for would wish me anything other than joy. But there it is.