No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
I truly feel like an Elphaba right now. No matter what I do for people I go unappreciated. I don't ask for anything in return except for respect, but all I get is animosity, complaints and arguments. It especially hurts when it comes from people that I care so much about (even though it seems that maybe this person doesn't care as much about me as they lead on). I have bent over backwards for the gospel choir and yet all I get at every rehearsal is complaints and I'm lucky if they pay attention to me. How am I supposed to teach children when I can't even get the attention of supposedly "mature" adults?? I feel like an asshole every time I get up there in front of them. I let them go crazy at reherasal but God forbid I get upset about it and say something, because then they get mad and I'm afraid of making them mad because then I might lose them and i need every person that I've got. I'm at the point where I don't care anymore, if they leave, they leave and the gospel choir is no more, so I think next time we get together and it gets out of hand, I give them the ultimatum. After yesterday's mess at the ceremony rehearsal I felt so bad about them having these extra rehearsals during crane chorus week, but there's nothing I cna do about it. It's out of our hands. I went to almost every single member of the choir later on in the evening and personally apologized for what went on even thought it wasn't my fault in addition to sending out an apologetic email, but one personout of all that I talked to had a problem with it and proceded to lay all of the blame on me telling me I should have done this and so on. I had nothing to do with what went on. NOTHING. Neither did Amina as far as I know. I had to go on the information that I was given and that's the end of the story. He is trying his hardest to make me feel like I'm wrong and should do what he says, but thats not hapenning. For all of you that know me you know that I hate drama and I hate conflict, but when I get dragged into it I don't know what to do. I tried last night not to hurt his feelings so he wouldn't quit and I wouldn't lose his friendship because it is still valuable to me, but now he is probably sitting around trash talking me, thinking that he's won this and that I gave up. He's wrong if he thinks I'm done with it. So now I need to find him and let him know what the real deal is befre he starts getting people to defend him. What the fuck? Am I a bad person? The people that I think are closest to me seem to think that I'm a piece of shit. I lost my best friend at home, and I'm losing one of the best here. I don't know where to go. i just want to move away somewhere and start over. Sometimes I just wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning. That'd show 'em.