I just do not know.
Ahem.
So, I'd like to note, before I say anything else, to those of you who know me 'irl,' this journal is largely used for expressions of frustration with gender identity and things of that nature. Accordingly, it tends to get rather, well, angsty/intense at points, sometimes very much so. Sometimes, honestly, I feel a little ridiculous at how emotional I get, but... this place is my venting space, with people who really get what I'm talking about.
So, that being said, you're probably going to get to know me quite a bit better from these. Sometimes I'm not sure how I feel about that, being so open about stuff and all, people I see so often knowing this much about me and my thoughts, but... ah well. Maybe it's a good thing?
All I ask is that you recognize that this is, largely, my venting space. Please respect it.
Pronouns.
Pronouns, pronouns, pronouns.
There are so many words in my head that I'm struggling to get them all out in an orderly, sensible fashion.
Lately that word, she, it's become different. It's become... sharp, tangible. I've started noticing every time, every time that word comes out of someone's mouth to describe me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking in my own quicksand pit of gender confusion. I have come so far this year... so far in figuring out who I really am, how I feel about myself, finally being able to be proud of that person. But pronouns, those are like the final frontier, the one mystery I have yet to solve.
I have been thinking more and more and more and more about them recently.
I do not identify as 100% male, and I don't think that I ever will. Nor do I identify as 100% female.
However, lately things have shifted... something has changed. I find myself waiting, watching people's mouths as that word spills out. She. And sometimes.. a lot of the time... I find myself wishing the other word would come out for once. He, he, he.
I tell people they can use pronouns interchangeably with me, and I mean it. The only problem is that when I say that, hardly anyone ever calls me he.
But I feel like I have no right to demand otherwise from people, to ask them to literally switch off. I feel like I'm asking for way too much from people with that, like I'm asking for special treatment. And in reality, I think I am...and that's not something I want to be doing. I don't mean to confuse people... I just want to figure out what in the hell feels right to me.
And a lot of the time it makes me feel so ridiculous; shouldn't I know that? Should I be able to tell by now? Shouldn't I be able to choose, one over the other, for good and for sure?
And if I do choose to switch over... god, that's just such a big decision. Am I ready for that? Is that right for me? What if it's wrong and I have to ask people to switch back? I can't help but feel they'd be annoyed with me, and justifiably so. This is something I should know; no one else on earth will ever be able to give me the right answer to this question.
I don't know. Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed by this question.
It seems like every time I feel I've gotten a handle on my gender identity it evolves into something new and just as confusing as it was before.
Eh. I think... I think I am going to ask people at BLGTA to start referring to me exclusively with male pronouns from now on, just for the duration of our meetings. It makes me rather nervous to do that, even though I recognize that if any group of people is going to be okay with it and not really care, it will be them.
But... I guess I just need to suck it up; shut up and put up. No one said this was going to be easy, right?
However, on the considerably brighter side, overall I have become remarkably more comfortable with myself this semester.
It sounds so terribly melodramatic, but honestly, I feel whole for the first time in my life. I don't need someone to complete me; I'm complete by myself.
I am not ashamed of who I am, and fuck you if you try to make me feel that way.
I am comfortable with my sexuality, sexual orientation, and my gender identity. While I may not be able to always give a clear definition of them, I accept them as they are.
I've come to realize my sexual orientation is more fluid than I originally thought. I still can't really see myself 'settling down' in the future with anyone but a girl, but I'm much more open to other possibilities than I have been before. And at the same time... I realize this may result in my getting cut off by the lesbian community. That's a really sad thought for me... it's the safe space I've occupied for so long, it's been my home, my friends, my lovers for all my dating life. But... I am not willing to sacrifice who I am anymore in order to retain those ties. If I find myself with a boy, I find myself with a boy. I'm just plain queer, and you can take that however you want to.
Anyways, really, really glad I got to talk with both Kai and Lawrence last night. Especially Kai, as we haven't talked in agggggggges. GenderNO Ski/board trip 2008 - hell yes! Seriously, though, it's really cool how our development of our gender identities(and our identities in general) winds up being remarkably similar.
Also, I've decided for sure that at some point I am going to legally change my name. Ashton is who I am. It's not a nickname or a fun alternative, it's me.
And I've been thinking of going with James as a middle name. I just love the ring that has to it. Ashton James. Ashton James.
Sounds like... me. :]
Anyways, this is getting terribly long, even though I feel like I have so much more to say. Maybe I'll save that for another entry.
Peace out, mates.
So, I'd like to note, before I say anything else, to those of you who know me 'irl,' this journal is largely used for expressions of frustration with gender identity and things of that nature. Accordingly, it tends to get rather, well, angsty/intense at points, sometimes very much so. Sometimes, honestly, I feel a little ridiculous at how emotional I get, but... this place is my venting space, with people who really get what I'm talking about.
So, that being said, you're probably going to get to know me quite a bit better from these. Sometimes I'm not sure how I feel about that, being so open about stuff and all, people I see so often knowing this much about me and my thoughts, but... ah well. Maybe it's a good thing?
All I ask is that you recognize that this is, largely, my venting space. Please respect it.
Pronouns.
Pronouns, pronouns, pronouns.
There are so many words in my head that I'm struggling to get them all out in an orderly, sensible fashion.
Lately that word, she, it's become different. It's become... sharp, tangible. I've started noticing every time, every time that word comes out of someone's mouth to describe me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking in my own quicksand pit of gender confusion. I have come so far this year... so far in figuring out who I really am, how I feel about myself, finally being able to be proud of that person. But pronouns, those are like the final frontier, the one mystery I have yet to solve.
I have been thinking more and more and more and more about them recently.
I do not identify as 100% male, and I don't think that I ever will. Nor do I identify as 100% female.
However, lately things have shifted... something has changed. I find myself waiting, watching people's mouths as that word spills out. She. And sometimes.. a lot of the time... I find myself wishing the other word would come out for once. He, he, he.
I tell people they can use pronouns interchangeably with me, and I mean it. The only problem is that when I say that, hardly anyone ever calls me he.
But I feel like I have no right to demand otherwise from people, to ask them to literally switch off. I feel like I'm asking for way too much from people with that, like I'm asking for special treatment. And in reality, I think I am...and that's not something I want to be doing. I don't mean to confuse people... I just want to figure out what in the hell feels right to me.
And a lot of the time it makes me feel so ridiculous; shouldn't I know that? Should I be able to tell by now? Shouldn't I be able to choose, one over the other, for good and for sure?
And if I do choose to switch over... god, that's just such a big decision. Am I ready for that? Is that right for me? What if it's wrong and I have to ask people to switch back? I can't help but feel they'd be annoyed with me, and justifiably so. This is something I should know; no one else on earth will ever be able to give me the right answer to this question.
I don't know. Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed by this question.
It seems like every time I feel I've gotten a handle on my gender identity it evolves into something new and just as confusing as it was before.
Eh. I think... I think I am going to ask people at BLGTA to start referring to me exclusively with male pronouns from now on, just for the duration of our meetings. It makes me rather nervous to do that, even though I recognize that if any group of people is going to be okay with it and not really care, it will be them.
But... I guess I just need to suck it up; shut up and put up. No one said this was going to be easy, right?
However, on the considerably brighter side, overall I have become remarkably more comfortable with myself this semester.
It sounds so terribly melodramatic, but honestly, I feel whole for the first time in my life. I don't need someone to complete me; I'm complete by myself.
I am not ashamed of who I am, and fuck you if you try to make me feel that way.
I am comfortable with my sexuality, sexual orientation, and my gender identity. While I may not be able to always give a clear definition of them, I accept them as they are.
I've come to realize my sexual orientation is more fluid than I originally thought. I still can't really see myself 'settling down' in the future with anyone but a girl, but I'm much more open to other possibilities than I have been before. And at the same time... I realize this may result in my getting cut off by the lesbian community. That's a really sad thought for me... it's the safe space I've occupied for so long, it's been my home, my friends, my lovers for all my dating life. But... I am not willing to sacrifice who I am anymore in order to retain those ties. If I find myself with a boy, I find myself with a boy. I'm just plain queer, and you can take that however you want to.
Anyways, really, really glad I got to talk with both Kai and Lawrence last night. Especially Kai, as we haven't talked in agggggggges. GenderNO Ski/board trip 2008 - hell yes! Seriously, though, it's really cool how our development of our gender identities(and our identities in general) winds up being remarkably similar.
Also, I've decided for sure that at some point I am going to legally change my name. Ashton is who I am. It's not a nickname or a fun alternative, it's me.
And I've been thinking of going with James as a middle name. I just love the ring that has to it. Ashton James. Ashton James.
Sounds like... me. :]
Anyways, this is getting terribly long, even though I feel like I have so much more to say. Maybe I'll save that for another entry.
Peace out, mates.