(no subject)
"The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open."
So this is the quote I fall back on everytime I'm about to jump into something that I know is completely stupid. I try to use it as justification for whatever dumb action I'm doing without thinking about the consequences. Or, in this case, after knowing and acknowledging the consequences. Which is even more stupid - I know what I'm getting myself into, but I'm doing it anyway. The sad thing is, I've done the same thing at least three times, and I'm continuing to delude myself into thinking that maybe this time will be different.
Okay, but here's what I tell myself to make it alright; I'm either going to be sitting here waiting for it to happen while it doesn't, or I can let it happen and it'll probably end. So why wouldn't I let myself be happy, for however brief a time? I got over it once, and the worst that can happen is that I'll have to get over it again. And I'm completely prepared to do that. I'm much more guarded this time, and I'm unsure whether that's helping or hindering me.
So I guess my conclusion is that I'll let it happen. It's up to him to make it happen this time, though, because I'm the vulnerable one here. Which sucks. I hate being vulnerable; I think the ability of someone else to embarrass you and make you ashamed of youself is the worst feeling ever. I want to be in control of my life, I want to be the strong one. And I guess letting this happen is going to take me letting go of my pride, which I've decided I'm going to try to do. Because he's right when he said if it doesn't happen because I'm scared, I'll regret it. And I will, because it would be my fault this time.
I'm really, really happy at this point. I'm really excited. But I'm really scared too. I'm afraid of letting myself go too far with this, and it's gonna be hard to complete open up again and trust him not to hurt me. But I think I've always trusted him more than he's trusted himself. I wish he would just let himself be happy, no matter what that means.
So there's your update. I'm ready if you are. Not for any life-changing, earth-shattering, awe-inspiring love story, but for a great friendship that I know we're capable of. I'm not building it up, because I have no expectations. I just want to spend time with you and get closer to you, and eventually maybe it'll be more. But no matter what it is, I'm excited to spend it with you.