(no subject)
"Everything changes eventually. That's just the way life is. And you have no control over it. Suddenly people you thought would always be there disappear. People die, they move away, and they grow up."
There comes a time [actually, many times], when you realize that the people in your life are not permanent. As much as you try to hold on to them and keep things from changing, it will never work. Things are constantly in motion, good and bad. It's impossible to hold onto someone tightly enough to keep them close to you. All you can do is pray to God that they love you enough to put up with all the bullshit you bring. Which is a lot; no one can say that they don't have a ton of emotional baggage or that they don't bring any complications to a friendship.
I've figured out that I've had it a little bit backwards. In spite of everything, may it be because they're forced to or not, my family will always be there. My friends have come and gone, and they will continue to do so, but Collette and my parents have stuck it out. They are unconditionally patient with me, and when no one else believes in me or believes I can change, they do. I've always thought that I would have those few couple friends who would always support me, but now I know that I really can't count on a few of them. There are still those I can trust to believe in me, but they're not really who I thought.
I'm thankful for those few people. Our pasts have been rocky and I'm sure our futures won't be perfect, but I feel closer to them than ever, and I will be forever grateful for their love and faith in me. I'm always going to fear change and the future, but knowing who I want to spend it with helps me decide things that I know will change my life forever.
I'm not going to be ashamed or embarrassed by anything I love to do, or what I want to do with my life. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm insecure about myself - anyone who says something mean about something I'm already sensitive about should realize how much it hurts me. But I'm not going to let them change my mind about this, because I will regret not knowing if I could do it. It hurts that they don't support me, but at least I know who I want to be friends with in the future.
I know that I have two very different paths I could take at this point. One is what I've been planning my entire life. It's what I've always known, with people I used to really care about, and some I still do. And the other one is so unsure and breakable that I'm afraid to talk about it because there are few people who actually think it's a good idea. And it would mean being pretty alone. But I think about what I want; not what other people want for me or tell me to do, and I know that I want the unsure plan. I know it means leaving important people behind, and that scares me a lot, but in reality, they don't care about me. And I want to be happy, I don't want to just try to please other people when it will never get me anywhere.
At this point I can't even imagine not going to UofM with Memer and Josh. I'm so afraid that if I don't go, I'm going to lose her forever, and it really breaks my heart to think about it. She has helped make me into a good person, and I love her so much, more than almost anyone. The biggest thing stopping me from completely changing my life plan is her, because I don't want to leave her. But if I don't go to UofM, she still has Josh, and she won't need me anymore.
I just don't know anymore. I know what I want to do, but I don't think I'm strong enough. It scares me to think that I would change what I want to do with my life just to stay with a few people I really care about, and it scares me to leave them.
" 'Time changes everything'. That's what people say. It's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were."