So....yeah. Let's start from the beginning. Last night's dream.
I find a baby, this part is early in the dream and fuzzy. I raise the baby. The whole time, I know the baby is demonic, but dream!me doesn't. Like a horror movie where you're constantly screaming "DON'T FUCKING OPEN THE DOOR". Anyway, I raise this child to about toddler age. Where you can still carry it, but play and talk to it, y'know? And this child is the definition of gifted. But of course dream!me thinks this is just cute. So I'm walking around a neighborhood at night in the snow, presumably dream!me's neighborhood, and the child starts doing the evil eyes thing, evil grin, pyrokinesis, etc, basically showing me it's demonic. And I fucking KILL the kid. Like...I strangle the kid (you know how dreams are so realistic you can feel it? Yes. I felt the kid's throat.) and then I STAB it to death! Mutilate it! There's blood everywhere, in the snow, my hands, my clothes, and...it just grins at me the whole time while I kill it. I...I seriously think I might be insane or something okay. I was crying while I did it and when I woke up my cheeks were wet so I think I actually cried in my sleep. So..I bury him. I put what's left of him in a shoebox and I dig up a space in the graveyard and I bury him. I'm still crying. And then, as I walk away, the kid is standing there, behind me, about kindergarten age, just grinning. I never see him. Oh yeah, and his name is Jude. Now, that image of him just grinning? I see pictures. Starting in black and white but slowly getting more modern. Each kindergarten class picture, he's standing there, obviously never growing up. And we zoom forward years and years, and I'm about 14, but we're in elementary, so maybe 13, and my name is Jude. I join the cheerleading squad (yes, in elementary) , 'cause everyone else sucks. Anyway, at my tryouts, I look, and there he is. And even though I'm a completely different person, I know. And he sees me, and FREAKS. Flame, everywhere, melting snow, burning people and killing them and...I just stand there, tears going down my cheeks. And all I can think is..my baby. My baby. And then I wake up, shaking, sweating, half crying, blankets kicked off so I'm freezing.
For those of you who didn't read: VERY VERY DISTURBING BAD DREAM.
So...yeah. I wake up at 7:30. Everyone's gone, thankfully, so they don't see my shaking. I take the dog out, check my email, go back to bed. Then comes 9:00. Dog is barking, needs to go out. I get up, I find I feel awful, like sick awful, and take the dog out, get the boys breakfast, and because I feel awful, go back to bed. Then, I fucking wake up at 1:00 going SHIT. Since then, I have broken a glass, not been able to find my wi-fi connector, freaked and stressed at basically every little thing, been disconcertingly hungry, yet not wanted to eat, and felt terribly depressed and lonely, and still not been able to get those disturbing images from my mind. I turned off my music, 'cause Hey Jude decided to come on and that was enough to make me cry (dream), so now it's quiet. It feels like it's raining, but it's not. I'm cold, sneezy, I need to clean my room, and I found out I'm gonna start getting homework next week. Usually, this would be good. Today, it just makes me feel worse.
I want tea.