And then suddenly the world turns upside down
You can live your life quite normally and then find something out. Perhaps even something that happened years ago, and you never knew about it, and it never affected you and your life. And yet, when you find out, your perspective suddenly changes and your life will never be the same. Most of us were not touched personally by September 11, and yet we all felt its impact, shaking us to our cores. I have a story that's almost ironically funny, a story about my father's brother.
My uncle Charlie left his family when he was 18, and never looked back. He reminds me a lot of Maggie, actually. He was very talented, a musician and an artist and a writer. He was gay, and his family was, to say the least, intolerant. I mean, just look at my father. He went to New York City and met Thomas M. Disch, a relatively famous science fiction author and poet. The two fell in love and lived and wrote together for over 30 years. They came up with such works as "Neighboring Lives" or, perhaps more well-known, "The Brave Little Toaster". He worked at Tiffany's for a while, and sent me a silver baby spoon when I was born. I still have it. And that's about all I know about my Uncle Charlie. Although he was a brilliantly creative man, he never did very much with his life-- just keep house for his partner and write a little on the side. I never met my Uncle Charlie, unless you want to count the time my mom met him while she was pregnant with me. In fact, no one in my family saw him after that meeting. I always dreamed about maybe someday making contact with him, becoming friends with him. I felt like I had a friend in my mystery uncle, when I was sad and lonely. I tried to find more information about him, but it was hard, and I was discouraged from trying to contact him after my parents tried unsuccessfully to call him. When my father, his brother, was dying of Aplastic Anemia a few years ago and they thought that a bone marrow transplant from an immediate family member might be his only chance, my mother left a desperate message on Charlie's answering machine. No response. When my paternal grandparents died and we had the funeral in New York, Charlie didn't respond again. It seemed that he had no interest in his family at all. We gave up and never really talked about him again. I still dreamed about him though.
In July, a friend of my parents who happens to live in New York City came down to visit my parents. She had a NYC newspaper with her, so the three of them looked through it and found an interesting article-- it was on the suicide of Thomas M. Disch. He killed himself on July 4, 2008, and the article discussed the reasons for his depression. The last reason stated was the loss of his partner of over 30 years, Charles Naylor, in 2005 to cancer.
I found out about it yesterday. I never knew my uncle, and I never knew his partner, but I still feel an overwhelming sense of loss.
When I tried to find more information on the pair, I found Thomas Disch's livejournal. It's really hard to read, but I can't tear myself away. I find myself wishing that I had found the livejournal a few months ago, wishing that I could have talked to Thomas Disch. He and Charlie always seemed so unreachable, so far away, and the idea that they were as close as a livejournal comment away makes me so, so sad, because now I'll never have the chance to know either of them. Maybe I flatter myself too much, but I wonder if I could have had any effect on Thomas Disch. How would he have reacted to meeting his dead partner's niece? I wish I could still talk to them.
The Tragedy of Life
When a person dies who loved a teddy bear,
and don't fool yourself, that can happen,
the teddy bear dies too, maybe not right then
but what happens is the teddy bear
is forgotten, and a teddy bear can't go on
if no one remembers his name.
What if no one knew *your* name
or called you on the phone or made the meals
you specially like? How long could you
go on in those circumstances? A person,
or a teddy bear, can only go on being
brave for so long, and then they die.
Tom Disch
He wrote that a year after Charlie died. Two years before he finally took his own life.
In other news, Maggie might be adopted by Kris and Mark. I'm happy for her. I'm so, so jealous. She'll be moving to England. She'll get to live with Kris and Mark. I love Kris and Mark. They're coming to visit in October. Can't wait.
I've been so scared lately, so sad and depressed and scared. I think that reading the journal entries of a dead depressed person about my dead uncle isn't helping.
Also, I have doctors appointments every Thursday for the next six or seven weeks. The way it used to be, I had resigned myself to being sick. Now, I'm afraid of it. I'm being tested and treated for three different problems, none of which involves lupus, which was previously the main problem. I'm being tested for cancer. The odds are in my favor, but finding out about Charlie's death due to cancer makes me so much more scared.
I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything about the world anymore.
I have lots of homework to do for next week. I'm doing well in my classes so far, but unless I get a grip soon, that's going to start going downhill.
For anyone who's interested, here's what I'm taking this semester:
Math410- Advanced Calculus (basically going back and proving everything from calculus)
Compsci132H- Java II
German301- Advanced Conversation and Composition
Persian211- Intermediate Conversation
Honors Seminar- Mozart (everything about Mozart)
I'm thinking about adding a CompSci major. Dunno.
I guess I'm out. Sorry for making this entry so long, I don't feel up to all the effort of adding a lj cut.
Oh, but, something happy.. Jonathan and I are doing really well. We're so close. I'm so happy that I have such a wonderful relationship.
My uncle Charlie left his family when he was 18, and never looked back. He reminds me a lot of Maggie, actually. He was very talented, a musician and an artist and a writer. He was gay, and his family was, to say the least, intolerant. I mean, just look at my father. He went to New York City and met Thomas M. Disch, a relatively famous science fiction author and poet. The two fell in love and lived and wrote together for over 30 years. They came up with such works as "Neighboring Lives" or, perhaps more well-known, "The Brave Little Toaster". He worked at Tiffany's for a while, and sent me a silver baby spoon when I was born. I still have it. And that's about all I know about my Uncle Charlie. Although he was a brilliantly creative man, he never did very much with his life-- just keep house for his partner and write a little on the side. I never met my Uncle Charlie, unless you want to count the time my mom met him while she was pregnant with me. In fact, no one in my family saw him after that meeting. I always dreamed about maybe someday making contact with him, becoming friends with him. I felt like I had a friend in my mystery uncle, when I was sad and lonely. I tried to find more information about him, but it was hard, and I was discouraged from trying to contact him after my parents tried unsuccessfully to call him. When my father, his brother, was dying of Aplastic Anemia a few years ago and they thought that a bone marrow transplant from an immediate family member might be his only chance, my mother left a desperate message on Charlie's answering machine. No response. When my paternal grandparents died and we had the funeral in New York, Charlie didn't respond again. It seemed that he had no interest in his family at all. We gave up and never really talked about him again. I still dreamed about him though.
In July, a friend of my parents who happens to live in New York City came down to visit my parents. She had a NYC newspaper with her, so the three of them looked through it and found an interesting article-- it was on the suicide of Thomas M. Disch. He killed himself on July 4, 2008, and the article discussed the reasons for his depression. The last reason stated was the loss of his partner of over 30 years, Charles Naylor, in 2005 to cancer.
I found out about it yesterday. I never knew my uncle, and I never knew his partner, but I still feel an overwhelming sense of loss.
When I tried to find more information on the pair, I found Thomas Disch's livejournal. It's really hard to read, but I can't tear myself away. I find myself wishing that I had found the livejournal a few months ago, wishing that I could have talked to Thomas Disch. He and Charlie always seemed so unreachable, so far away, and the idea that they were as close as a livejournal comment away makes me so, so sad, because now I'll never have the chance to know either of them. Maybe I flatter myself too much, but I wonder if I could have had any effect on Thomas Disch. How would he have reacted to meeting his dead partner's niece? I wish I could still talk to them.
The Tragedy of Life
When a person dies who loved a teddy bear,
and don't fool yourself, that can happen,
the teddy bear dies too, maybe not right then
but what happens is the teddy bear
is forgotten, and a teddy bear can't go on
if no one remembers his name.
What if no one knew *your* name
or called you on the phone or made the meals
you specially like? How long could you
go on in those circumstances? A person,
or a teddy bear, can only go on being
brave for so long, and then they die.
Tom Disch
He wrote that a year after Charlie died. Two years before he finally took his own life.
In other news, Maggie might be adopted by Kris and Mark. I'm happy for her. I'm so, so jealous. She'll be moving to England. She'll get to live with Kris and Mark. I love Kris and Mark. They're coming to visit in October. Can't wait.
I've been so scared lately, so sad and depressed and scared. I think that reading the journal entries of a dead depressed person about my dead uncle isn't helping.
Also, I have doctors appointments every Thursday for the next six or seven weeks. The way it used to be, I had resigned myself to being sick. Now, I'm afraid of it. I'm being tested and treated for three different problems, none of which involves lupus, which was previously the main problem. I'm being tested for cancer. The odds are in my favor, but finding out about Charlie's death due to cancer makes me so much more scared.
I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything about the world anymore.
I have lots of homework to do for next week. I'm doing well in my classes so far, but unless I get a grip soon, that's going to start going downhill.
For anyone who's interested, here's what I'm taking this semester:
Math410- Advanced Calculus (basically going back and proving everything from calculus)
Compsci132H- Java II
German301- Advanced Conversation and Composition
Persian211- Intermediate Conversation
Honors Seminar- Mozart (everything about Mozart)
I'm thinking about adding a CompSci major. Dunno.
I guess I'm out. Sorry for making this entry so long, I don't feel up to all the effort of adding a lj cut.
Oh, but, something happy.. Jonathan and I are doing really well. We're so close. I'm so happy that I have such a wonderful relationship.