it's been a hard day
i am just so sick of everything, i feel like everything and everyone is trying to stop me from getting anything done. i feel like i haven't finished anything all year, and it makes it really hard to keep on going. and i hate my job, i just want to get to university and get all of my JC stuff taken care of, i can't stand living with my family anymore.
and i just found out that i'm not on my parents' dental insurance somehow, so now i have to pay for all the dental work i just got done that i got done so that i could AVOID having to pay for it. that's gonna pretty much squash any hopes of moving out. dental work is expensive.
i'm just so sick and tired of not liking anything about anything i do anymore. i'm tired of being dissatisfied and lonely all the time. there's so much i want to do, but i feel like i'm just spinning my wheels~ 22 years old, and i'm still sleeping in the same room i've slept in since i was 12, in the house i've lived in since i was 5. i so want to move out and get my adulthood and the family-less portion of my life started...
it's all just so frustrating. every day i feel more and more tired, more and more weighed down by the people and the reality around me. i'm tired of people questioning everything i do, and doubting me, offering suggestion after suggestion, talking without ever listening, and telling me that i'll probably end up dropping out of school. i mean, how awful is that? people, as in multiple people, have said that to me. i just feel like i get no actual encouragement from my family and from most of the people i see. i'm so insecure and so afraid of so many things, and i try so hard not to be and i try to be capable and together and confident, but it's just so damn hard and all i want to hear is, "just try your best, it's all you can do," or "you're smart enough, you can do it," or when all i want is a big hug, and all i get is criticism. and i try to be cheerful, and i try to be positive because i used to be so much the opposite way, and i'm so afraid of getting cynical again. i'm so afraid of becoming like so many adults i know who are so busy discussing politics and mortgages and complaining about all the idiots in the world-- i just don't want to forget that nothing is worth being cynical over, and nothing is so bad that i can't come back from it... but i dunno. it's so hard to stay positive when so few people around you are positive also.
which is why i want to go on drives so often, because it's one of the few things i have going for me that is so good and relaxing and fun and without burden, and Linnet and Steven are so wonderful and accomidating to and accepting of my childishness and insecurities. they're really the best friends a kid could ask for, they're everything to me that i wish my family would be.
it's all just so hard, and i know it's part of growing up, finding out just how hard it is and learning how to deal with it all, and i know it'll all be okay and everything will work out eventually, but right now i don't want to be a big grown up girl who puts on a cheerful face and says something uplifting to show just how brave and mature she is. right now i just feel sad and angry and frustrated and lonely, too worn down to cover it up anymore, and i just want to sit here and cry.
~*~
PS and Mica, i can't tell you how much talking to you helps me~ did you know you happen to spend most of your time on twitter right while i'm at work? it's the best.
and i just found out that i'm not on my parents' dental insurance somehow, so now i have to pay for all the dental work i just got done that i got done so that i could AVOID having to pay for it. that's gonna pretty much squash any hopes of moving out. dental work is expensive.
i'm just so sick and tired of not liking anything about anything i do anymore. i'm tired of being dissatisfied and lonely all the time. there's so much i want to do, but i feel like i'm just spinning my wheels~ 22 years old, and i'm still sleeping in the same room i've slept in since i was 12, in the house i've lived in since i was 5. i so want to move out and get my adulthood and the family-less portion of my life started...
it's all just so frustrating. every day i feel more and more tired, more and more weighed down by the people and the reality around me. i'm tired of people questioning everything i do, and doubting me, offering suggestion after suggestion, talking without ever listening, and telling me that i'll probably end up dropping out of school. i mean, how awful is that? people, as in multiple people, have said that to me. i just feel like i get no actual encouragement from my family and from most of the people i see. i'm so insecure and so afraid of so many things, and i try so hard not to be and i try to be capable and together and confident, but it's just so damn hard and all i want to hear is, "just try your best, it's all you can do," or "you're smart enough, you can do it," or when all i want is a big hug, and all i get is criticism. and i try to be cheerful, and i try to be positive because i used to be so much the opposite way, and i'm so afraid of getting cynical again. i'm so afraid of becoming like so many adults i know who are so busy discussing politics and mortgages and complaining about all the idiots in the world-- i just don't want to forget that nothing is worth being cynical over, and nothing is so bad that i can't come back from it... but i dunno. it's so hard to stay positive when so few people around you are positive also.
which is why i want to go on drives so often, because it's one of the few things i have going for me that is so good and relaxing and fun and without burden, and Linnet and Steven are so wonderful and accomidating to and accepting of my childishness and insecurities. they're really the best friends a kid could ask for, they're everything to me that i wish my family would be.
it's all just so hard, and i know it's part of growing up, finding out just how hard it is and learning how to deal with it all, and i know it'll all be okay and everything will work out eventually, but right now i don't want to be a big grown up girl who puts on a cheerful face and says something uplifting to show just how brave and mature she is. right now i just feel sad and angry and frustrated and lonely, too worn down to cover it up anymore, and i just want to sit here and cry.
~*~
PS and Mica, i can't tell you how much talking to you helps me~ did you know you happen to spend most of your time on twitter right while i'm at work? it's the best.