It's time to just be.
I'm not sure why I even bothered starting up a new journal. I thought it would allow me to release all these emotions that I have pent up but I'm not really using it for that at all. So, here I am, once again. I've neglected this journal for months now. I miss just writing in it. It was such a very special and dear gift from one of my dearest and closest friends. I can't let it go that easily. There's too much history here... good and bad.
It's been a long year. And yet in the last month or so, I feel as if it's flashed before my eyes and I've become acquainted with myself again. It's been a journey. So much change has occurred. More than I truly care to deal with but it was necessary. I've lost so much... so much that my heart aches at the thought of it. With a second glance, I instantly see all that I've gained. It's bittersweet and yet I feel caught, at least momentarily, in the crossroads. Well, that's not really the term that I want to use. It's hesitation. Keep moving forward and truly let go or hold on... hold on to that shred of hope. Hope for change elsewhere. Change that I cannot control, create, or even influence.
It's a lost cause. If it didn't change in the years of involvement, why the fuck would it change now? And yet, my heart only yearns for one person. How fucking stupid is that? (Not any more.)
I have good friends here. For so long, I felt alone across the hundreds and thousands of miles that separate my dearest beloveds from me. I've come to realize that they're a lot closer to me than I had ever conceived. And along with that, I have people here who have given their hearts and friendship to me. They've been there the countless times Dad was hospitalized. Gotten together to help us financially, been there to hold my hand or hug my mom when we lost him, and just smiled at me when I was feeling so damn low and I felt like the world was collapsing all around me.
It's amazing what a smile does. I do my best to share that with others because it was shared with me. It's been good therapy. There have been days where I just wanted to fade away. Then I see these beautiful people. I get a smile and I give one back. And I'll keep giving it to every soul that crosses my path. Compliment them. Thank them. Wish them well. And before I know it, that weight that was holding me down is lifted. And the days are bright and beautiful. Things have been getting better. Every day is another opportunity. And every day, I try.
So, I have lost and I have gained. Life is changing and evolving. I'm not sure where I'm going any more. And I don't have any hopes or expectations other than just trying to make the best of what I have and what I've been dealt. And I'm letting go of the one thing I always wanted for myself... a loving spouse and a family of my own. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being all pessimistic or anything. Just realizing that sometimes, the things we want so badly come don't necessarily come into our lives the way we've hoped. I have love. I have a family that consists of my mother and my friends. They have my heart. And I can enjoy their beautiful children even though I'll never have my own.
I know this is vague in a lot of ways. And I've left out a lot of detail. I guess this was mainly for me. A reminder of sorts.
With the utmost sincerity, I wish you all the very best. Happiness, love, peace of mind, laughter, and fun. If I could hug you, I would.
It's been a long year. And yet in the last month or so, I feel as if it's flashed before my eyes and I've become acquainted with myself again. It's been a journey. So much change has occurred. More than I truly care to deal with but it was necessary. I've lost so much... so much that my heart aches at the thought of it. With a second glance, I instantly see all that I've gained. It's bittersweet and yet I feel caught, at least momentarily, in the crossroads. Well, that's not really the term that I want to use. It's hesitation. Keep moving forward and truly let go or hold on... hold on to that shred of hope. Hope for change elsewhere. Change that I cannot control, create, or even influence.
It's a lost cause. If it didn't change in the years of involvement, why the fuck would it change now? And yet, my heart only yearns for one person. How fucking stupid is that? (Not any more.)
I have good friends here. For so long, I felt alone across the hundreds and thousands of miles that separate my dearest beloveds from me. I've come to realize that they're a lot closer to me than I had ever conceived. And along with that, I have people here who have given their hearts and friendship to me. They've been there the countless times Dad was hospitalized. Gotten together to help us financially, been there to hold my hand or hug my mom when we lost him, and just smiled at me when I was feeling so damn low and I felt like the world was collapsing all around me.
It's amazing what a smile does. I do my best to share that with others because it was shared with me. It's been good therapy. There have been days where I just wanted to fade away. Then I see these beautiful people. I get a smile and I give one back. And I'll keep giving it to every soul that crosses my path. Compliment them. Thank them. Wish them well. And before I know it, that weight that was holding me down is lifted. And the days are bright and beautiful. Things have been getting better. Every day is another opportunity. And every day, I try.
So, I have lost and I have gained. Life is changing and evolving. I'm not sure where I'm going any more. And I don't have any hopes or expectations other than just trying to make the best of what I have and what I've been dealt. And I'm letting go of the one thing I always wanted for myself... a loving spouse and a family of my own. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being all pessimistic or anything. Just realizing that sometimes, the things we want so badly come don't necessarily come into our lives the way we've hoped. I have love. I have a family that consists of my mother and my friends. They have my heart. And I can enjoy their beautiful children even though I'll never have my own.
I know this is vague in a lot of ways. And I've left out a lot of detail. I guess this was mainly for me. A reminder of sorts.
With the utmost sincerity, I wish you all the very best. Happiness, love, peace of mind, laughter, and fun. If I could hug you, I would.